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Rated: E · Essay · Friendship · #2245442
When everything you thought was true turns out to be one big act.
Like in every teen movie we have ever seen, everyone has someone in their life, maybe even multiple people, who they consider family without any kind of blood relation. Someone who has proven worthy of a part of your journey by caring for you or helping you out in a way where they didn't get anything in return. Someone who makes you feel safe, who you can count on no matter what situation you might find yourself in, because when you start to see each other as family, along comes a strong feeling of responsibility towards that person.

Like everyone else, I have that. I have a whole other family that I consider my own. Because of my strong friendship with a girl, her whole family has accepted me as one of their own, always expecting to see me at birthdays or parties.
I know all of them personally, I have had personal conversations with every one of them.
All of this I have had for years, without knowing how quickly it could all go wrong.

Like I said, I have always felt welcome in this family because of how much they made me feel normal. Even though I was not that at all, I was always happy to be myself around these people, I felt accepted in a way that I had never felt anywhere, I felt comfortable in my own skin, which I did not anywhere else.

Which is why it hurts like a bitch when something suddenly makes me doubt the fact, that none of these people would ever judge me by anything. My actions, my looks, my personality has always been welcomed as far as I know of.
But I am not so sure of this anymore.

Not long ago I met this girl's boyfriend, the first serious one, the first 'meet the parents' one, so of course I had to meet him too. I went as me, I came as me, I acted like I always do around them to make him feel comfortable being there, so he felt as if it was a normal thing for him to be there.

Everything seemed well, everyone looked happy, smiles was exchanged, the usual picks at each other for fun was shared. Seemed like any other family night.

And so, it did until weeks later, I was visited by my friend after a long time apart. We ate dinner, talked most of the day and night, like two sisters who hadn't had a good talk in a long time.

And then it happened. The sentence I still can't make sense of, because it was something, I had never imagined to hear from her. From someone I thought loved me for who I am.

'I almost panicked when you walked in dressed like that, I mean, what would they think of me when they saw you.'
I was kind of shocked. I have heard that sentence a million times from people like my mother, who takes a great deal in making other people think highly of her as a woman and as a mother. So it would make sense for who to worry about what others think of her daughter because that might affect their view on her as well.

But my best friend?

A best friend is not supposed to be embarrassed about you. They are not supposed to care what other people think of them because they are friends with you. They are not supposed to judge you because of what kind of clothes you wear, that is probably the most irrelevant thing in a friendship.

A best friend is supposed to stand up for the other when other people think or talk badly about them. They should give advice to each other and help each other find themselves. Make each other feel comfortable with being themselves in each other's company.
She did not that day. She made me feel as thought the thoughts and judgement of everyone else was more important to her than her friendship with me.

She shouldn't care what it makes other people think of her if she is proud to be my friend. And that is what a best friend, a sister, is supposed to feel. I am proud to have her in my life, I am proud to call her my non biological sister, my one friend I would never trade for anyone, who I will always be there for.

I would proudly take a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of people and scream that at the top of my lungs, to make my words travel around the world until it reached her, because I want her to know that she can always count on me.
But that day she proved to me, that she would not do the same.

How can I call someone my best friend, my partner in crime, if I must dress a different way than I usually would just to make sure I won't embarrass her in front of the people she cares about? I am not her cringy little sister who tells gossip about her just to be annoying, I am supposed to be the one person she can confide in about every problem or achievement she might have.
I don't want to make her feel bad, but if I can't be myself anymore around her family and friends, if I can't dress or act the way I do normally, am I really still that important to her?

Because I would never try to change anything about her, unless she askes me herself to do so.

If she came to me and said, I need your help with my social skills, I need to be more open and straight forward with people, then I would happily give her any advice I could.

I guess I just didn't expect her to feel that way about me. It hurt me in a way I can't really talk to anyone about because I don't know anyone with such a strong bond to someone, that they would possibly understand the way it affects me.

I am not sure how to talk to her about this. I mean it might not have been her intention to hurt me with her words, but that is usually never anyone's intention. It just happens sometimes when we say what we think.

I just wish she didn't think that way.

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