Maybe

Being old for me is this

Probably because I'm in that final stretch, old age, I find myself constantly looking over my past
All the many moments and memories, and it grieves me because I see so many sad and unhappy ones
There are more than I thought there were, or would like
It's like looking at an hour glass, my body is the glass vessel, and the sand is all my memories
Only I can see the bottom of my hour glass is cracked
And I wonder, when did it crack? Why did it crack?

I look closer and see the crack is slowly, yet continually, widening
I'm then aware that the amount of sand leaving is also increasing
Again I wonder, Why?
Is it because I'm getting older? Is that what makes the crack widen?
Or, were there just one to many difficult moments, and it broke because my body could take no more?
I lower my head, I can no longer watch, this is almost to much to bear

Seeing this is hard for me because I am a fixer
I am a fixer of so many things, other people, difficult situations, everything around me
My first thought is, how can I fix this? Can I fix this? No, I know I can't
I have to grasp this reality that I cannot fix my hour glass, my body
The glass, my body, is far to broken and so there is no way to stop, or slow down the sand that is leaving
My heart aches, and so I cry

I think of all that sand that has gone forever and I'm left with a feeling of wanting it all back
I want to replace every one of those bad grains that have left, with good
But no, they are all gone, and I know I can never get a redo, a retake, or get a second chance
Because once my grain of sand has passed through that crack, it is no longer mine
I am trying to come to terms with this and it is so hard

My hour glass is my old and tired body. How could it not crack?
It has been a body which has to endure a life of so much abuse, neglect, being over worked, not enough rest
A body which has had patiently watched me put anything, and everything before it
A body that was never put first, never properly cared for
Now it is a body that is paying me back with the only thing it knows, pain
A pain that is given to me with every movement, every action, every thought, every feeling
Just endless pain

This constant pain has left me feeling so very tired of living
I often wonder, will this be the day my broken hour glass will finally empty?
Will I then no longer have pain, or remember all those many sad moments from my past
No more having so many regrets
In those moments when I feel like this, I want the sand to leave quicker, and relieve me of it all
But then I think, maybe not

Maybe, I think, just maybe, being old is for me to find better ways of living with my pain and sadness
Maybe I need to find a way of living with my life as it has become
Maybe I just need to remind myself more often of how I always tried to do the best I could and forgive myself
Maybe, I wonder, if I take better care of my body now, could it, would it, show me less pain?
Maybe it is time to appreciate all of what I have now and be thankful, because I know in my heart it could be so much worse
Maybe it is time to focus on, and cherish, all the sand that is still left within my broken hour glass
Maybe, I think, it is time to just stop watching that sand