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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/2248612-To-All-the-Boys
Rated: 13+ · Monologue · Relationship · #2248612
4th Sam Hall
You were definitely one that I was not expecting at all.

We both remember it so well, how we first 'met'. Which was, me sending you a 'shitty email' at work. This email was something I was quite proud of, I felt like I was getting somewhere with this job, taking on the responsibility of the job, being able to take control and get the Sales team to listen to me.

Who know that the 'shitty email' I sent you would've turned into a phone call at work which turned into messages onto google chat at work. Who know that the casual chat would've turned into swapping phone numbers and sending whatsapp messages which in turn turned into something more.

when we first started talking our of work hours, I was sceptical of the whole thing. I really didn't think too much of it. It was probably the first time in my life that I felt strong and didn't need a man in my life. I was fully focused with my job, found something I loved and felt passionate about, and then you came along. I remember you told me that when you first heard my voice on the phone, it sounded really hot so I must've been ugly or fat. Which would make sense you thought that as I remember it said you viewed my LinkedIn profile shortly after we got off the phone.

For someone who wasn't in my life for very long, you definitely have done some damage.

I always said that I wasn't going shit where I eat. I felt so strongly about that statement and then you came along. Although we worked in different offices and different cities, working for the same companies and same team definitely wasn't something I thought I'd ever do.

From the get go there were red flags.
1) you were 7 years older than me.
2) You had a 5 year old daughter.
3) We lived 4 hours apart.


Everything happened so quick. I was messaging you for about a week or 2, then I met up with you as you had to do a stopover in Bristol. I remember you were quite late and so I was walking laps waiting for you. You had such a chatty, friendly vibe that it was all so easy, just chatting and joking around. I remember the next morning walking to work I was thinking 'what am I doing?'.

Another week goes by and then I saw you again, at one of the work events. I remember whatever it was we had was a secret. So we would walk past each other smiling and talk to each other in a work manner, but we were messaging the whole time telling when and where to meet. I remember you asked me if I had ate yet, and when I told you I hadn't you would go out your way to buy me lunch and snacks to keep me going for the day.

Some people were starting to suspect something but we denied it when people asked us. That night after work, all going our separate ways, we were messaging and then you phoned me, telling me how you felt about me. I remember feeling the same way. It had been a very long time since I felt that way about someone. It was as if i had been with you for a long time, everything felt so right despite how far we lived apart. Both of us genuinely thought we would make this work.

We had our own work do the next day. And in the night you stopped replying to my messages. I didn't think much of it at first, as I was hungover and also had my birthday party to go to so I wouldn't have had time to reply like we normally did anyway. Another day goes by, and nothing still. I got worried about you as I heard nothing back, You haven't even read my messages at that point. It didn't feel right, I didn't feel right. Despite having been through breakups, this was something else, this genuinely hurt. You knew I struggled with my anxiety, and when you disappeared out of the blue, without telling me a single word it made it worst for me. Frequent visits to the doctors to find out if it was anxiety or if i had heart problems. Affecting my work also. I remember I would cry in my car on the way to work, and on the way back too. I'd pull up in front of the house and sit in my car and cry and cry until i felt a tiny little bit better. Ready to face an empty house, where I would then cry some more again. My head just couldn't gather why this has happened.
What hurt me even more was the fact that I still had to be in touch with you regarding work, I would see your name pop up in emails, or I would have to email you as if none of this was happening. It really did hurt my heart, every time I had to send you an email I tried so hard not to cry. Constantly wanting to ask you why you're acting that way.

I took some time off to visit my friend in Plymouth, and that morning I was about to set off to get a coach there you sent me a text. My heart dropped, the nerves and butterflies all came back. You messaged to ask if I was at work. To me, that was better than nothing even though it was work related. I remember I replied telling you that I had just left the doctors, hoping that you would reply to me, so that I could keep talking to you. Which did work. You asked me why, and I told you striaght up, partly it was because of you. You apologised, and told me you haven't stopped thinking about me, but you had to because you didn't think you were good for me. I read the messaged and didn't know what to do. Did I want to forgive you and hope we could move on, or did I want you out my life considering the pain and ache i went through in the 2 weeks you didn't respond to me?



To make up for it, you said that you'd come to see me, you'd book a hotel and we'd spend a weekend together, go on a date etc. At that point, you were the only person who i felt really cared for me, who really calmed my anxiety and knew what to say to me when i started to stress, and the only one who knew when I was starting to get stressed. And this was all through messaging.

Come that weekend you came to visit me. We



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