Your birthday soon goes to the dogs.
|It was your birthday. You were having a small party at your house, with a rather large buffet available. You hoped that the guests would leave some leftovers, the thing cost you a fortune.
Speaking of guests, they hadn’t arrived yet. You had another 15 minutes wait. You also fancied a drink. However, you were now comfy in your chair and did not want to make the trek all the way to the fridge, that was just far too much to ask. Thankfully though, you had trained your border collie to fetch you a glass. You called for him and gave the command, he went off to execute it. He took a little longer than normal, but he came back with it in the end. He quickly went back and grabbed a can of beer for you. You cracked it open, poured it into your glass and took a sip. It tasted odd. You looked down at your dog, who was watching you expectantly.
You started to shrink. The glass fell from your hand and shattered on the floor. You tried to scream but couldn’t. You glanced up at your dog, you were smaller than him now. He looked down at you with a devilish smile. Then did something you never expected. He spoke. “You fool. You make me do the simplest tasks for you, just so you can laze about on your ass? You expect me to just do it? Of course not. Now you’ll pay the price for your laziness”. You had no time to think what the price was, as your dog picked you up by your shirt collar and threw you into a bowl of coleslaw. Was coleslaw the price you had to pay? You were now stuck in it.
Your dog went back into the kitchen, bouncing along happily. He had got what he wanted. Now for phase two.
He returned with a small vial of clear liquid. You assumed this is what made you now 2 inches tall. He poured the entire lot into the punch bowl. He was going to poison your guests as well. The more the merrier.
When the guests arrived 10 minutes later, the dog had become a bit bored and was now sitting curled up in your chair, asleep. However, when the door opened, he was at full alert. He wanted to see the massacre. Sure enough, when your guests appeared to all help themselves to the punch bowl. Once they had all taken a drink, they all began to shrink to a size of 2 inches, just like you. Your dog picked them up, one by one and put them onto the table. They, just like you, were stuck up there. Maybe not in coleslaw, but still stuck nonetheless. Your dog then jumped up onto the table with all of you, walked over to you and pulled you out of the coleslaw. He then walked back to the end, dumped you in the crowd of your guests and sat in front of you. One of your guests, John, had made a break for it. His attempts were foiled, however, as the dog sat right on top of him, flattening him beneath his ass. John was dead.
This sent all of you into a panic. Everyone ran around screaming, until your dog said, “stand the fuck still and you won’t get crushed.” Everyone stopped and stared up at the dog. He looked down at all of you and said, “we’re going to play a little game now. Hide and seek. If i find you, you will be destroyed. You have about 10 seconds to hide. Go.”
Everyone ran. You yourself hid behind a profiterole, terrified for your life. Your dog was now setting out to kill anyone he saw. This was not your best birthday.
You heard the sounds of your dog’s paws along the table. Then they stopped. Then you heard a woman’s scream, then a sickening crunch. Then the sounds of paws walking again, this time mixed in with the odd squelching noise. You daren’t look round, if fear that the dog may see you. However, guest after guest was found and you witnessed them all get crushed beneath your dog. First, your best friend Kyle was standing just behind the dog, thinking he hadn’t been seen. Until the dog lay down, crushing Kyle beneath his scrotum. Another person was flattened beneath the dog’s chest, and when the dog stood up, you could see a red smear in both places.
This dog was merciless, stomping, sitting on, eating your guests and friends one at a time. You were distraught. Then it dawned on you. Was your dog letting you see your friends die, but saving you for later? That seemed to be the case. The final person came running towards you, however not quick enough. Your dog pounced, landing a bit in front of them. Then lay down. You watched as they snapped in half, then were flattened beneath the belly of your dog. Now you could see him clearly. His white legs were spattered with blood and human remains, anything on his black body was almost invisible. He was looking straight at you, a menacing smile across his face. “I’ve killed off all your little friends,” He said. “Now time to waste your money.”
With that, he stood up, turned around and sat down. The pyramid of profiteroles you had been hiding behind was flattened into a mess of cream beneath your dog’s ass. You were between his front legs, all you could see was your dog’s balls sitting in cream. He noticed you looking. “Like what you see? They’re much bigger than yours now. To be honest, they’re bigger than you.” It was true. His testicles were what seemed a foot taller than you, however was probably just millimetres. The dog then stood up and told you to follow. When you didn’t, his back leg kicked you quite hard. You had no choice but to follow. The dog stopped and told you to step back a bit. You wondered what he was doing, then looked down. Your car, normal size to you but a toy to anyone else, was between your dog’s hind legs. “Since you loved my balls so much, you can watch them join something else you love.” With that, he lay down and sure enough, his balls landed squarely on top of your car. It stood no chance. Your dog’s balls crushed it with ease. He laughed, then shook from side to side, driving his balls deeper onto your car. By the time he stood up, it was sheet metal.
Next was a muffin. Flattened beneath his belly. A plate of brownies stomped down into mush. A bowl of cocktail sausages eaten. An intricately designed cupcake ruined when he rolled over top of it. Tunnock’s teacakes crumbled beneath his paws. Your dog laid siege to your birthday buffet, making sure nothing was left edible. It was definitely wasting money, just like he said.
Lastly was your birthday cake. It wasn’t big, just a simple circular job with nice colourful icing. Your dog walked up to it and sat right behind it, flattening a small wafer biscuit under his ass. “It’s all gone.” He said, “all your friends, your food, your car, all destroyed by your dog. Does he care? No. Now you’ll see your pretty little birthday cake meet the same fate.”
With that, he lay down, clean on top of the cake. It billowed out beneath him, the colourful icing smooshed together. The bits that oozed out the sides weren’t spared, as the dog rolled around on top of it. Your birthday cake was now more of a birthday pancake. All the colours were gone.
Then the dog stood up. Walked over to you and sat down. You looked up at him, on the verge of tears. He looked down at you and said, “don’t you give me puppy eyes. They ain’t gonna do shit on me.” He then stood up and stretched forward, the front of his chest almost hitting the ground. You were between his hind legs now. You looked up at his scrotum, hovering above you. “Goodbye” the dog said, before slamming down his hind. You were crushed and killed beneath your dog’s penis. Once again he rocked from side to side, grinding you down further into a paste that could be easily licked off. He stood up, looked down at the smear you had become, then walked off with a spring in his step.