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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2255170
The final judgement wasn't what was expected.
495 wc entry into the "The Dialogue 500 July contest. Prompt: You are accused of a crime and argue your case to the judge and jury.

Pardon me. Are you the judge?

Traffic court judge, yes. Overload. People are dying to get in here.

Good Heavens, I thought God woulda’ knocked the kinks out.

Well, son. Something small as this, God likes to let the kinks work themselves out. No need to polish my halo over this. We got a jury of your peers and trying your case on whether you're a do gooder or not. Result might be heavenly or could be a hell of a deal you didn’t bargain for.

Wait a second. Isn’t that my x-wife? What’s she doing there? Don’t I have a say as my own defense attorney, on who’s on and who’s off the jury?

No-one harps on as good as she does, son. Best we got. You want to choose from our alternate juror’s, take your pick.

Thelma practiced harping on me enough. I guess it did her good. I’ll take that one at the end. He looks like he didn't have a prayer of chance making it here. Oughta' go easy on me.

Good choice. Never told one lie in his life. Made his time on earth living hell so bad he likes going there for vacations. O.K. who’s your first witness?

I call Samuel Snead, my neighbor. He owes me favors for all the times he borrowed my lawnmower and forgot to bring it back. Tell the judge what a nice fellow I am, Sam.

I would. You are the cause for me being here. Must have forgot the shock it was, using your lawnmower. Reason I never brought it back was cause the dern thing kilt me. Never mind, judge, I forgive him. I wouldn’t a’ met Thelma up here and made music together, otherwise. I guess, you could call that a good turn if you twist it right.

Right on. Sorry, son. Accidental good deeds don’t count. Call your next one and it better be good. Hate to rain on your parade, but I want to get back to enjoying my cloud nine. Nothing like inspiring good works on earth as throwing lightning bolts aimed at someone planning evil. Gets ‘em all fired up about changing their sorry lives.

Shocking, judge. Static aside, I call you as my next and only other witness. Isn’t it true I never needed that kind of prodding? Makes me better than most of humanity, be my guess. I rest my case. May I enter the pearly gates, now? Haven’t I earned my wings?

Two things wrong with your defense son. You can’t call the judge to be a witness and secondly, we retired using the pearly gates when those waiting in line kept stealing it’s pearls of wisdom as substitutes for not having any sense of their own. Too much temptation. Kid. You're in.

Well, how do I get into heaven, then, judge?

You’ll have to wing it, like the rest of us did, son.

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