by Dameon Ray
idk venting through fictional characters
|Atlas decided that they were not going to sleep. It was 6:16 AM. It was futile, at that point. It was highly likely that they were simply going to pass out at around 8 am, sleep until the sun was beating down the horizon, and then drag themself out of bed to slug down a water bottle, then move into university.
Boy if that didn’t sound like the intro to a shitty Wattpad story thrown together by a teenager, thought Atlas.
“Take Me Down Easy” looped again. Third or four times, by that point. They checked their battery. Nine percent. Figures.
Atlas took a swig of his water bottle by his bed. He looked at his phone, and tried to imagine what his sophomore year would be like. It was almost impossible. He was too miserable over Sasha.
Sasha was a Russian boy who had reached out to Atlas a few weeks prior. They had quickly developed crushes on each other, but Sasha did not have great communication. Besides the fact that both lived in different time zones, Atlas frequently worried over Sasha’s long periods of inactivity. Often, he wouldn’t respond to them until very late at night, and that was it.
Atlas was one of those people who obsessed over romance, and all of its essence. She knew it was terrible, being so focused on a factor out of her control, but her annoyingly obsessive nature usually found a way to bypass her logical rationale and clench onto the thought of a boy kissing her softly, holding her hand, wanting, wishing, loving, CHERISHING being with her. It seemed as that was never going to happen. But, even if it did happen, Atlas reminded herself, she would then transition to the mindset of wondering over whether or not she was really happy with them, and if she would be happier with someone else. This was a cycle that repeated itself over and over, and she was tired of it. She was exhausted over her uncontrollable obsessions that left her teary and second-guessing every interaction she had. She was exhausted over her brain forcibly wondering if every boy she met liked her, and whether or not they would end up dating, and how they were going to date, and when their marriage would be, and how many kids they would have. She was tired of her mental illness damaging her outward perceptions of others. But most of all, Atlas was tired of being alone.
Which is how he was on his bed at 6:32 in the morning, wondering why Sasha wasn’t talking to him more, if he even liked Atlas, if Atlas wouldn’t want to be in a relationship if given the chance. If, if, if, if. Atlas was beyond sick of ifs. He wanted a boyfriend who gave him Whens, not Ifs. He wanted some sort of stability, rather than guessing if his crush was ever going to message him back.
Atlas yawned, worn out by the constant cyclical patterns of yearning in his stupid brain. Focusing on boys was stupid, anyway. University was starting in three days. Friends. He had to get a job. The newspaper was starting up again. His crayon business was going live in a week. Volleyball. He still had to work out. Sophomore year was purportedly the most clusterfuck of a year in college. Atlas knew his A-game was going to be the only thing standing in his way.
Maybe if I get my meds pumped high enough, I’ll be too fucked to worry about being alone, Atlas scoffed to themself.
Mentally, they rover over the tasks for when they woke up. Shower, get dressed, do their hair, pack up their shit, drive to their campus, check in, unload, and hang out with their friends as they move in. Things were going to be incredibly busy that day. There was something to be said for distractions. Less time to worry about Sasha, or what Sasha was doing, or why Sasha hadn’t really been talking to them much at all recently.
Groaning, Atlas pulled himself up and started to do some push-ups—-or so he planned.
In actuality, he crashed quickly after pondering much on Earth, peacefully sleeping while James Henry Jr. serenaded him to sleep.
“Take me down easy
Take me down easy
Let me land softly
Back in your arms.
Cause I can sing sad songs
It’s easy to find them
The worst kind of heartbreak
Won’t leave you alone
So take me down easy
Take me down easy
Let me land softly
Back in your arms.”