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Rated: 18+ · Editorial · Adult · #2258252
Living life as a stroke survivor
Cussing At God Doesn't Help
By Dave Finkelstein
Being a stroke survivor will change everything you have known about life and living it. It becomes very apparent that you can't do anything with the same ease that you have done things before your stroke. What's worse is that every waking moment of your life your reminded of that fact from merely waking up in the morning and trying to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. It's not easy. Just basic movements are now a real challenge from trying to get your foot into a shoe when you can't seem to be able to guide your foot and leg. Putting your clothes on now becomes a thirty minute ordeal and forget about socks unless you like endless swearing at the top of your lungs. I learned to try and manage my life but now in a completely different manner than what it was before my stroke. It's the little things that I took for granted that now take up the majority of my daily life. Everyday seems to be figuring out how I'm going to do some simple task just get along with my life.
After two years from having my stroke and lots of rehab it has become apparent that my physical condition isn't improving. The life I'm living is hell. I have a mental outlook that I'm still an athlete and failure at any task is unacceptable to me. Perhaps this is a bizarre form of mentally challenging myself to continue living life. It's now my normal reality and without the challenges of trying to just stay alive I have little reason to go on living. It's a sorry state that you just don't want people to hear about how are you doing these days. Now you know my reality and mental picture so when you ask me how I'm I doing these days you'd be smart to not ask.
I use to think that I was a spiritual person believing in a higher power and had someone guiding me through the bumps in the road of life. These days I no longer have the same reverence towards my higher power. Simply stated, how could my higher power allow me to suffer the life I'm living. I swear at God a lot these days. I don't like doing it because it just doesn't feel right doing so but I have to vent. They tell me my blood pressure is really high and I'm going to have another stroke if I don't control my feelings and find a healthy way to vent my frustrations.
I write about feelings of frustration and try to temper myself. Writing gives me a creative way to release my pent-up anger but sometimes reading what I have written is a horrible reminder of what I'm trying to forget. Maybe I swear at God as a way to blame somebody for my current state of affairs. Perhaps by swearing at God, I'm just asking for some of proof of the existence there is a God and seeing if I'm going to be punished for my foul words to the everlasting? I just want some answers but more so I want some higher power to cure me and go back to the physical wellbeing I previously had complete with my family's high cholesterol problems and eventual death by heart failure but not living with stroke conditions.
Having so many friends and family members passed on I'm getting to the point in my life where things just don't amount to a hill of beans anymore and money is no longer something important in life. They say having all the money in the world isn't worth a damn without good health to enjoy it. Whoever came up with that line was someone dying or really in bad health because it's a true fact. Just for the record, I found it doesn't help you much cussing at God ...... He ain't listening to me.

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