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Rated: E · Essay · Religious · #2260502
My little love letter to God
I like reading my bible but I don’t do it as much as I should or could and I know why and I know there are more than one reasons as to why. Starting with the most pressing reason to the least I am going to type it out in black and white so I can see it and give it life. The following reasons I don’t read the bible like I should include the following:


The bible is written in a language that is old and hard to understand for the most part. Despite my love of language, I cannot help but state the obvious and hardest part is the 2700-year-old language.

When I read the bible, I feel that I am reading the very exact and specific verse that God wants me to read at that moment and when I land on one that is stating the wrath side of God’s character I take it literally and to heart.

I am ashamed and carry a lot of guilt for all my past mistakes.

And finally, I feel like I am not worthy of God’s love and forgiveness.

I know these top 5 reasons are probably ridiculous to some and nowhere stand as reasonable explanations, not excuses. however, for each of those 5 reasons I don’t I know the good Lord has put one hand on my heart and His other hand on my head and whispered alternatives for those top 5. His alternatives to those top 5 I have listed include the following:

God whispered to me, “Yes Deana it’s an older read and language, but guess what your living in and among the 21st century and they have an App for that and there is this thing called bible mapping.” What I think He means by that is its okay to take a verse that I may not understand as much as I should or would like to and break it down, word by word. Below is a verse that I am going to attempt to break down.


I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.

I take from the following verse and map out the reasoning to be this:

Torn – to be divided or ripped apart; two sides; two separate states or places or pieces

Desire- yearn; want; long for

Depart- to die; to leave this earth and lifetime; to go away

Be with Christ – as close as I can get to Jesus; literally be in his presence; to touch him; to see him, to rise up to Heaven

Better by far – to be better off; a better place; a better surrounding; better off

I like this verse and again I know this is one of those that the good Lord wanted me to see and read and think about, I know this without a doubt because of my attitude and mindset here the past few years. a mindset that has included madness, grief, loss, anger, despair, sadness, loneliness, depression, anxiety, and overall a sense of hopelessness. Wow, I just counted that list and there were 10 adjectives to describe my state of mind and existence for far too long lately. No wonder the good Lord has been looming and looking over me literally and in every other aspect. And if that list of 10 wasn’t enough He reminded me of this verse:

Psalms 38:18

The LORD is close to the BROKENHEARTED and SAVES those who are crushed in spirit.

2700-year-old text or not I think that bible verse pretty much speaks and states the word of God for what it is and what it means. Kind of hard to read any more or any less into that beautiful verse I suppose. That verse and the events that have unfolded and occurred in the past three years that have caused and created this state of mind and existence for me over the past few years is resonating and speaking to me in more ways than the one above that I have attempted to bible map. I suppose it’s pretty obvious that one would follow the other.

My loss and sadness and life for a long time have brought me full circle I suppose you could say. beginning in 2014 I started losing loved ones that I cherished and always had a very close relationship with. I was losing people that were pivotal in my life, the people that molded me and shaped me into the person I was then and even now. These people were my family and my blood, I shared DNA and bloodlines with these people that extended time and generations.

These people that I called family and friends lived and breathed and were given the same kind of living life that God had given me. And because the good Lord seen fit that “these people” fit into a time and place on this Earth that allowed us to share an existence and memories and relationships that consisted of love, respect, union, hate, hurt, heartache, and every other dynamic that can take place between people within family units. These were my people and I was supposed to know them, I was supposed to love them, I was supposed to hate them at times and it was these same exact people that God picked and positioned just as much for me as He did for them.

I've been struggling for far too long and far too much with the relationship I have, desire to have, and want to have with the good Lord. Why? I don’t know exactly why or how but I do know this.....this relationship is personal and intimate, and close. There is no way possible to have this kind of intimacy and or closeness to another living human being like the relationship we have with God. And as I am learning and coming to accept this relationship isn’t exactly new to Him.

If we are to believe and accept that Jesus Christ is God’s living son that was sent forth to this Earth to live and die for every man, woman, and child so that we may have a chance of eternal lasting life then that belief and acceptance must extend to the undeniable. We no longer exist and control anything in this world or lifetime. Once the decision is made, acknowledge, and accepted that He is Lord and Saviour and He’s in control then it seems pretty simple that one wouldn’t any longer worry about anything else. And luckily like the loving God, He is He’s provided a black and white backup copy:

MATTHEW 6:25-34

Therefore, I tell you do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes......Can anyone of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

As I type these following words I can hear the good Lord whispering, “I’m multi-tasking and this is where sometimes words can have two meanings and make two points”. Why? Well, I don’t think that the origin of this verse, Matthew, carries a significance in more than one way. That name is my son’s name, Matthew Evan Smith; that name means, Gift From God; but finally, that same name belongs to my ex-husband who left me and divorced me. I’m not going to go into the specifics of the divorce or why he left, God knows the real truth, because I really do believe in that situation there were indeed three sides to that situation. 1. My side. 2. His side. 3. The truth of what really happened and how it came to be as such.

I’m okay and accept that those three sides as they are or as they are not. The importance and point I am trying to make here are that this verse and its message are about not worrying and it’s from the book of Matthew. I think that good Lord is perhaps telling me that my beloved son, Matthew Evan is the 3rd person of 1 me and 1 Matt and despite who I am and what side I take or how Matt is and what side he takes, the 3rd person involved is what matters.

It's mind-over-matter they say, if you don’t mind then it doesn’t matter. But when it comes to My Matthew, I’d like to call it Mindful Matter if you will. He matters to me and it matters in my mind always. Basic science explains that matter takes up space and fills the voids in and around us. He matters to me and I like to think in my mind that he takes up and fills a space and existence in my world like no other. and because he matters to me so much I struggle and fight myself every day as to why I can’t take the option of my Free Will and Choice to stick a loaded gun to my head and end it all.

Yes, I think often and long about suicide and death and Philippians 1:23-34 is the most exact and precise words that stand to that reasoning. Let’s think about this a moment from an eternal and spiritual perspective. I believe in God, and I believe in Jesus Christ and I believe in a Heaven and a Hell and I believe that Satan and his demons are real. None of these facts I dare deny, then, now or ever so please allow me to be very clear of that. God is real and so was Jesus a real man when he walked this Earth before he was crucified. Even after His death he was resurrected back to life and ascended to high at God right hand. God is real and he is so real that I don’t think that it’s coincidence or chance that God ISREAL.

As real and tangible as there is a place of land upon this Earth that is marked and mapped and is called ISREAL, which has been referenced and recorded to be Holy land now and way back in the Jesus’ time. A real place of existence that everyone has heard of knows about regardless of religious denomination or doctrine. ISREAL is-real just like God and just like Jesus. So as there has never been a question of an existence of 1 God, 1 Jesus Christ, and 1 Devil I don’t know how or why so many folks will refuse to believe or acknowledge this.

But God seems to be much more diverse and expansive than just existing as 1 God with a fabulous creation story and a 2700-year-old text that has included stories and instruction for His people over time. I’m learning about God and who He is and what His character is and I would be an absolute liar and dummy if I tried to tell another person or myself that He is simplistic in every nature or manner. The bible clearly states that God’s ways are not our ways and that He is a mysterious God.

JOB 11:7

Can you discover the depths of God? Can you discover the limits of the Almighty?


“However, there is a God in heaven that reveals mysteries, and He has made known to King Nebuchadnezzar that will take place in the latter days. This was your dream and visions in your mind while on your bed.


By referring to this, when you read you can understand my insight into the mystery of Jesus Christ

******just making note of that little whisper I heard as I typed out that verse above and that whisper spoke to me and said, “Deana, keep typing and reading and putting it on paper or screen in black and white and give it life because I made you and I know you better and I know how to speak to you in a way that you can understand, remember that’s what you prayed all those time.....so keep reading and keep typing.....*****

AMOS 3:7

Surely the Lord God does NOTHING unless He reveals secret counsel to His servants the prophets.


Jesus answered them, “To you, it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of Heaven, but to them, it has not been granted”.

LUKE 8:10

And He said, “To you, it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest in parables, so that SEEING THEY MAY NOT SEE, AND HEARING THEY MAY NOT UNDERSTAND


And to bring to light what is the administration of the mystery which for ages has been hidden in God who created all things; By referring to this, when you read you can understand my insight into the mystery of Christ, to be specific, that the Gentiles are fellow heirs and fellow members of the body, and fellow partakers of the promise of Christ Jesus through the gospel, To me, the very least of all saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unfathomable riches of Christ, which in other generations was not made known to the sons of men, as it has now been revealed to His holy apostles and prophets in the Spirit; of which I made a minister, according to the gift of God’s grace which was given to me according to the working of His power.

On and on it goes God has in His bible the written words and texts that are ISREAL and God breathed as the first man and woman was real and alive. It’s is there among those pages and chapters of His bible the words, advice, wisdom, instruction, insight, and Plan He has promised. There are so many encouraging words and verses in the bible that do indeed give a person hope and help and encouragement, without a doubt there is no denying that fact. I suppose my biggest challenge and struggle right now is giving myself permission to believe, I mean to really believe with unwavering faith and trust those feelings and thoughts that live within me and that I “just know”.

What exactly do I mean by that has proven to be touchy and very sensitive I suppose I could say. When I look at the whole situation and the events that have occurred and taken place over the course of even the past 16 years of my life, the good and the bad, the momentous occasions to the mundane I have this unnerving need to look at it and approach it from “Two State”. Two sides, two perspectives, and two states of mind and existence. Complicated was is? Perhaps complicated would be an understatement to some and perhaps too complicated even to try and put it into words for another to read and understand. And that’s just fine God whispers to me and it’s just fine because it’s Ours no one else.

So years of loss, death, grief, sadness, and unconnectedness has taken its toll and tribulation onto me. So much of it, I did myself and brought upon myself this I do not deny, ever. This isn’t about placing blame anywhere or on anyone other than me for what and why I did the things I did or made the choices I made. I hope to stand humbly now, and forever, before God that I am a sinner and fall short of God’s grace and mercy so much so that I am not deserving of His forgiveness or canceled debt that Jesus had to die for. NOT ONE SINGLE ATOM OR DNA STRAND WITHIN ME IS WORTHY OF SUCH. But thank you, Jesus, that I am, for you and you alone died on that cross and paid a ransom for me to have that opportunity and place in God’s coming kingdom and eternal life.

How on Earth could a person begin to even repay or acknowledge such a sacrifice let alone ever stand or hold a position or opportunity to even attempt to repay such a debt. Wow, that never stops blowing my mind and bombarding me with even more shame and guilt. The same blood and sacrifice that saved me and sealed me are the same that shames me and weighs me down to this every day. Even knowing and believing what I do to be fact and what ISREAL. I don’t know if some would call this humbleness or humility, I don’t know, I really don’t.

I know God forgives. I know God is a loving lifeline. I know God is slow to anger. I know God distributes Mercy and Grace in abundance. I know that God wants us to know him and seek him beyond a respectable level of acknowledgment. And even when that’s all we’ve ever given in our lifetime, whether it was because we simply didn’t know or simply because we didn’t think we could ever deserve a relationship with Him because we sinned or didn’t attend church. I don’t know why we don’t seek out the Lord stronger, more thoroughly, and even more eagerly than we do.

Another example of falling shortly before God obviously I think. I don’t know why and I don’t have the answers to share, all I know and all I can share is what I “think and feel” it to be. God doesn’t lie and he doesn’t contradict this I know.


For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints.


In hope of eternal life, which God, who never lies, promised before the ages began.

2 TIMOTHY 2:13

If we are faithless, he remains faithful ---- for he cannot deny himself.

2 PETER 1:20-21

Knowing this first of all, that no prophecy of Scripture comes from someone’s own interpretation. For no prophecy was ever produced by the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.

*****this is another one of verses that I felt God tap me on the shoulder and take special notice and attention to. With that being said let me break it down and map it out*****

Knowing – be aware; implying

Prophecy – prediction; diving-inspired utterance

Comes - a blood vessel accompanied by another vessel or nerve

Someone – some person; a somebody

Own – belonging to one’s self

Interpretation – explication; explaining the meaning of another's work; a concept of another’s behavior

Produced – to bring into existence; to give rise to; a cause

Will – disposed of; about or going to

Spoke – past tense of speak; verbal communications

Carried – supported from one place to another; helped; assisted

Holy Spirit- the spirit of God; the presence of God; the Holy Ghost

Breaking these words down and looking at alternative definitions I feel confident that I can interrupt this verse to mean or explain something of the following (for me and by me) to mean something like this...

Nothing, no thought, or word spoke, or feeling that exists within us when the Holy Spirit is alive and active in us ever, ever happens or comes to be without the control and concise selection of God’s hand and presence. I don’t interrupt this verse as I do because I think that it can only mean one thing and one thing only, as I understand it, no not at all. I hope to read and interrupt this verse, with the help of the Holy Spirit and the willful action of wanting to know God and understand Him. And I do so with a pure heart and foundation that reading the bible is important and that is what God wants me to do and that He will direct and guide me to get the necessary pure purpose and understanding from His word.

I have read about and over a lot on the topic of prophets and prophecy and I especially like the books of Jeremiah and Daniel and Isaiah. It’s my understanding that these men of God were prophets and that God spoke to them directly and purposefully. I could only begin to dream and aspire to be a person of their likeness. To think that the good Lord thought that much of me or thought that I was that important to even hint such notions to me. That’s amazing, just the thought of that statement. I absolutely do not claim to be a prophet or anything of the like. No. Not at all could I ever or would ever want to be that presumptuous, and to me that is being humble I think.

But I would be lying and dishonest with myself and others if I failed to mention the fact that I do struggle and toil with the fact that I could, have, or might be disobedient to God if there were ever a time or event that He did try and tell me something, something or some event he might have revealed to me before it ever happened. The simple fact that God could quite possibly be telling me things, things that he wants me to know before they happen. Wow, how exciting is that, how precious is that blessing.

But in typical Deana fashion, I am guilty time and time again of taking (even the thoughts of) such a thing and making it a negative, bad, and pointless accident. Jesus Christ, please help me, why do I do this? Wait I know why, because as much as I know God ISREAL and alive and loving and forgiving to us humans so much so that he gave us Jesus and the New Testament. As much as He is and did such miracles I absolutely cannot shake or deny the possibilities and proofs of God’s wrath and Old Testament events. No one but God Himself could convince me otherwise that I would be a damn fool if I did.

No, absolutely not could I or would I ever want or feel comfortable feeling such a way. And It's because of this and these feelings that I can’t help but wonder if it’s what keeps me from the “peace” and “faith” and “pure hope” that God promises over and over again. Without a doubt, we are subjected and destined to live a life on this Earth that DOES and WILL come with trouble, loss, grief, and heartaches. Aside from death and taxes, these two are things that are guaranteed. It’s a given and it happens. But even worse than that is this truth I have to share and type out on the screen so that I may see it and present it to God in the purest and most humblest respects.

I suppose some would indeed not hesitate to stand and shout and call me crazy because I feel and have thought (more than once) this notion. Please dear God in heaven please forgive me as I say this and express this from a pure and loving heart. Please don’t punish me for thinking it I beg you. Here goes.....

I have on more than one occasion come to the decision and determination that because I FEAR 1 GOD. I BELIEVE IN GOD. I PRAY TO 1 GOD. I SEEK 1 GOD. Because I THINK AND FEEL ( and I know I can’t lean on my understanding) that I HAVE NO EVIL IN MY HEART. Because I HAVE EMPATHY AND CARE ABOUT OTHERS that my genuine obedience and dogmatic determination to ALWAYS THINK about God and Heaven and Jesus and the angels and that eternal life beyond what I can see and hear. Because I THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS A LOT, TO THE POINT OF ALL CONSUMING EVENTS THAT HAPPEN EVERY DAY, ALL DAY AND NIGHT, EVERYWHERE I GO. Because I am all consumed and thinking about God and that I believe that that should be enough to set me apart from a determined and destined life of the uncomfortable “givens” that we are all subjected to.

Can you imagine, how dare I. I am ashamed and feel ridiculous because I even thought such a thing? First of all, who in the heck do I think I am, what sets me apart? Who are you Deana and what on earth would make you so special? History and heritage didn’t exactly groom or guide you for such a consideration and destiny now did it? I know I can’t believe I thought it either but it’s the God’s honest truth that I did. I talked and prayed to God and said to Him, “How can you or why would you make yourself known to me and prove to me that you are real and that your Holy Spirit exists and that you are a God that knows no doctrine or denomination. How can you come to me and be made known only to be silent and distant from me when I call upon you or need you the most? Why God, why did this happen? Who prayed for me and why did you not take me when you could have?

All these questions I have presented and asked God to answer or give me insight about for so long. Has He answered the questions or provided the insight and wisdom that I prayed and asked for? Well yes and no. God created me to be a person that has always had a special or specific interest in words and letters and art if you will. As I’ve come to be taught and advised He actually has a bible verse to back that up.

PSALMS 139:15

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.


The word of the Lord came to me saying, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

PSALMS 139:13

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb

These teachings and advice that I found in these scriptures do indeed help and layout a better understanding of our existence before we took our first breaths and was born into an earthly existence. I believe I lived and dwelled in heaven and among God long before I was selected and stitched and woven together for a mortal life here on Earth. I think this and believe this with all my heart, it just feels right and it doesn’t contradict God. Call me a day-dreamer with my head in the clouds I don’t mind because I see nothing wrong or evil with such thoughts. The mysteries of God and the expansiveness is so much so that he could never be “defined” or “put into a box” ever!

And it is these thoughts and wonders that make me long for a place to fly and exist that is beyond this life I am alive in and living. That wonder and longing for things that are spiritual and celestial don’t just come out of nowhere, no absolutely not. These longings and wonders come from a place within my heart and soul that only an almighty God could have touched and stitched together. And this is exactly why......


He had made everything beautiful in His time. He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Once I read that scripture, I put to ease any despair or shame or guilt for feeling that longing and pull towards something so eternal and unfathomable. A simple truth that I found in an old text that means and matters the same today as it did then. I like that, no doubts, no questions, no confusion. So that eternal wonder and longing that was set so long ago along with knowing that God is real and alive and that Jesus Christ will rule and govern this world one day was only more reason I begged and prayed for death. I prayed for God to listen and consider my arguments, my reasoning to take me home, to the only place that I know would satisfy me and comfort me and feel right to me.

The place I longed for and remembered from my childhood was indeed a place I had lived and seen before I ever breathed and lived and remembered. For a long time West Virginia’s state motto was “Almost Heaven West Virginia” and as much as I would attest to this states beauty and personality I know it’s only a temporary home. Now I didn’t always know this and I’ve only come to realize and admit that as much as WV is in my blood and will always be my home, it’s not mine forever home. This was a beautiful realization and with the help of scripture from Ecclastic 3:11 to prove it I couldn’t help but feel bittersweet once again. The longing and know only intensified and grew stronger.

So when the troubles and despair and havoc that happens in life comes about and consumes me I instantly revert back to thoughts of suicide and ending it all. I know it’s crazy or hard to even consider for some but it is the very thought and idea that I have suicide as an option. A choice and free will of action to use and end it all when life gets too bad to navigate or live. Suicide is the murder of the self, murder is a sin, I do believe that Moses chiseled that out back in the OT as one of the top 10, this I do not deny. An OT covenant that is just as much the same and important now as it was then.

I’ve heard many people say that “No one sin is greater than the next”. What that means to me or as I understand that to mean is that they are saying that no sin, whether it be murder, lying, stealing, envy or greed is any more or less significant or comes with a sentence as the other. Sin is sin and the punishment for sin is death. I’ve also heard people say that they think people that have sinned and committed murder deserves a place and judgment harsher than the neighbor that steals, or the husband and wife that commits adultery. Again, sin is sin and that punishment is death and no one should ever have to question or debate this. And here’s why...


For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is the eternal life in Christ Jesus our LORD.


Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

The bible also states that we cannot rely upon our own understanding of things and as I listed above the scripture that states the interruption of men is produced and spoken because we are carried by the Holy Spirit. Don’t rely on your own understanding of things and because our first mother and father sinned and disobeyed God I was destined to die. I was woven and created to be brought forth into a mortal life on this earth to live with the sole purpose and outcome to die. Practicing Christian or not many denominations have roots and doctrine that starts with a creation story and afterlife. What does that say to me about existence and universal understanding among other humans, like-minded or not, is that death is destiny and that an afterlife is possible and promising.

Regardless of country or continent, the coordinates we claim on our personal GPS or Google Earth Map is just placement that keeps us close or separates us with distance. 10 miles or 1000 may exist between us and religious dogmas may or may not define us we all were created in His image and never, ever do we exist without Him. Whether we know this or not, whether we accept this or not and yes I do say this as a self-proclaimed Christian. And because I proclaim Jesus as Lord and Savior and truly believe it there comes with that a certain obligation I think. What is that obligation as I understand it or consider it? I believe and feel that it consists of several truths and the number that each of us proclaims or provide isn’t necessarily irrelevant, no never. The number or amount of obligations we profess is more or less for some than others, but so long as we all share ONE simple truth and we proclaim that truth every chance we can I think God would be willing and able to build on just the ONE or help you grow and discover MANY MORE.

Yes, I say and state this as I understand it and want to believe it and my only wish and prayer are that if for whatever reason I am wrong about this thinking that God, in all his love and understanding, will teach me and guide me and show me otherwise. He wants to have a better, deeper, closer relationship with us. I know this, I know this without a doubt but so often I pull back and shut down because I don’t think that I am worthy of it. Or that He wants to have that relationship with me. If I know that God is slow to anger and gives endless amounts of Grace and Mercy and has promised Forgiveness, then why on earth can I not do the same for myself?

My mom tells me that asking God for forgiveness over and over again is a sin of sorts. As God’s gift of forgiveness the first time wasn’t enough or good enough. Oh wow, thanks mom, now I feel even worse and have more guilt and shame for thinking that God may feel like I didn’t care or that it wasn’t good enough. On and on with the guilt and shame and I can’t help but wonder if these feelings of such are deeply rooted and embedded in a false, distorted, and inaccurate belief system? Perhaps it was, I suppose I will never really know until I stand before God. And I wonder sometimes when the day comes that God decides to bring me home that it is everything and more than I have thought it to be.

Until that time comes I think it’s pretty clear that my responsibility as with any other Christian is to be an ambassador to Christ. The following five verses help back that up:

Matthew 22:36-40 states that we must love God before self and others.

Mark 16:15 states that we must preach the gospel to everyone In the world.

Galatians 6:1-3 states that we must get a fellow believer back on track.

Titus 3:1-7 states that we should do what is good because of Gods grace.

Proverbs 31:8-9 states that we must defend others in need.

Until the Lord returns there are souls to be reached and ministries to be carried out. Ministry is defined as the service, function, or profession of ministers. How does this exactly pertain to me because I’m not a minister and I don’t think, as of right now in my life, that the good Lord has called me to do so? Calling or not I know I have a responsibility and duty to serve and glorify the Lord. My hang-ups and heartache keep circling back to the same old insecurities. I’m not good enough. I’m not worthy enough. I don’t have a religious background. On and on I could list them.

God doesn’t need my help absolutely not He does not. This spiritual journey that I am on is real and I’m not mistaken about this. This is weighing heavily on me because I feel that my fear and insecurity is getting in the way of greater things. God doesn’t lie and He’s in the business and nature of closeness and relationship and fellowship. Can my fear of His wrath get in the way of greater glory? I feel like it had and does. Does the wander and thoughts and curiosity of His character hinder my hope? Or is it the matter of not releasing complete control and placing every bit of available trust in Him and His abilities? I think it’s safe to say yes to all of those. A lack and shortage of trust in today’s world isn’t necessarily uncommon. It’s more common than ever I do believe. The Bible clearly states the instruction and way too trusting the good Lord as He wants us to:


Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.


For those who know you trust in you, for you, LORD has never forsaken those who seek you.


Some trust in chariots and horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.


When I am afraid; I put my trust in you.

PSALMS 84:12

LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.


A Gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.

I’ve never found a shortage of bible verses to discourage or discredit the importance of trust. God knows I have trust issues and sometimes I wonder if perhaps He might have planned it that way. I was broken, grieving, heartbroken, lost, angry, and on the edge. Trusting anyone wasn’t exactly on my to do list, how could it have been. I didn’t even trust myself, I didn’t trust myself or what I was thinking or seeing or even feeling. The choices I made caused a lot of that yes I know. I know not to lean on my own understanding but I often think that maybe one aspect of God’s character is that He is a great teacher. Maybe sometimes erasing and starting over literally from the scratches is what works best for some. I don’t know and I don’t want to assume or guess and be out of context with this point I’m trying to make.

He knows me best and He knew what He was doing. Mom says that God knows us before time and they knows exactly every mistake we are ever going to make. Predetermined. Predestined. Planned. Like I mentioned above if you believe He is the one Lord and Saviour then He’s indeed the one in control. Mom also said that God doesn’t exactly send you an email or a text message when things get confusing and hard to navigate. I don’t know if he does or doesn’t but I know that He’s God and He certainly could if He so chooses. A text message is a written word and communication is it not?

I don’t know. But these are the things that I long to know and be told. I often imagine and play over these scenarios in my head about what He looks like, what He wears, what He sounds like. We were made in His image and the Bible clearly states that.


So God created mankind in His own image; in the image of God He made them, male and female He created them.

I think that verse is pretty clear, He created us humans to look and resemble Him. And like me and others we talk and sound a certain way, we look and move a certain way, voluntary or involuntary we move and maneuver a certain way. Please, God, don’t be angry or displeases that I have these questions and curiosity. I don’t know. I don’t know nearly as much as I want to. Do I know as much as I need to survive and go through the rest of this life as a good, kind, and productive person? Sure I do, I was doing it before I started asking this kind of questions. I was doing it before I came to realize what was happening and before the flip was switched and the Holy Spirit came alive within me….as I understand it. He’s always been there but I just wasn’t aware of it like I am now. Thank you, Jesus, for that.

Long gone are the days of blissful ignorance and unawareness. Those feelings are supposed to be replaced with peace and settlement and assurance but I’d be lying to God and everyone else if I said otherwise. This is where the conundrum lies and I think that just maybe that circles back to the trust issues. So how do I fix that? How do I make it better and trust God as He wants me to? The prayer I suppose. I’ve prayed for that before.

I thought I heard God whisper this to me not too long ago and that was something like this, “when you stop SEARCHING and you stop LOOKING and start SEEKING the Lord God you will indeed find me.” What sense does that make, it makes a lot of sense to me. I had to stop searching Google and the internet for the answers. I had to stop looking for angles and motives in others and mostly looking for faults in myself. When I stop looking and searching for the irrelevant it’s then and only then that I really started seeking. I don’t know if anyone thinks anymore or any less of this little fact or not but I want to share and point out the fact that the word SEEKING is compromised of two separate words, SEE and KING. Together or separated the word(s) speak for themselves. SEE the KING Deana, seek me out and you will find me. Seek me and find me and then show me to the world because this is your responsibility and duty.

Now I could play devils advocate over and over but I don’t think that’s necessary or pleasing to God in any way. Especially with all the loving-kindness, mercy, and grace He’s sort of spelled it out for me.


You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.


I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently will find me.


Seek the Lord and all His strength, seek His presence continually.


The Lord is good to those who wait on Him, to the soul who seeks Him.

*PSALMS 119:10*

With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments.

****** I looked this verse up and when I read it and typed it I felt that tap on my shoulder and the whisper in my ear. Yes, God, I heard it and I understand what you meant by it. And I thank you for that because I know you don’t want that for me either but I also know that you know me best and it’s still fragile and delicate and in deciding. I love you and thank you for your patience and understanding regarding this position. I struggle daily, oh my God how I struggle with this need and want to come closer and check out of this life. Finding purpose and placement and knowing where I fit in now has proved harder and more challenging than I ever thought possible. As bittersweet is as that feeling is finding and deciding the place I belong, The Forever Home I long for is a real place and I’ve occupied it before. And as distant and unseen as it maybe I can see it even more clearly and more defined than before.

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