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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #2260754
Older silliness returned.
This story was inspired by a news article I read about a man on a remote island who had an awful lot of jobs. This is NOT about that man, it is far too silly for that, but it does owe its existence to him. Now pay attention, this gets complicated very, very quickly. It is important to remember that there is only one man called Bob on the island, and that he has many roles to play.


One day on the small island of Seagulls Rest, Dan and Tom were walking to work when they came across the body of Bob the Milkman, lying unconscious next to his float.

“Should we call an ambulance?” Dan asked.

“There's no point,” said Tom, “Bob's the ambulance driver.

“Surely he needs a doctor?” Dan was worried about how Bob looked.

“Bob's the doctor.” Tom reminded him.

Then Tom noticed a large stick lying next to Bob the Milkman.

“I don't think this was an accident.” He opined.

“If he's been attacked we should get a policeman.” Dan said nervously. He didn't like policemen, having been more than once arrested for being drunk after a lock in at the island's only public house, 'The Split Personality.'

“That could be difficult,” Tom told him, “Bob is the policeman.”

“Oh yeah!” said Dan, who as you may have gathered was a bit slow sometimes.

Bob was coming around and the two men quickly helped him to his feet. Rubbing his head, Bob told them he had just been about to deliver a couple of pints of fresh milk, (delivered daily from Bob's Farm), when he had been struck from behind.

Tom and Dan helped him into the nearby library, where there was a very small queue of people waiting for Bob the Librarian to stamp their books out for them.

After sitting for a while and having a cup of tea, Bob said he was well enough to carry on his rounds. He promised Dan that he would have a word with Bob the Policeman about the incident.

Later that day Bob the Policeman did investigate and a very convoluted tale unfolded. Bob discovered that Bob the Bricklayer's wife was expecting their first child. They were very happy about this until Bob heard an ugly rumour that Bob the Milkman was delivering more than one sort of fresh cream to his lovely wife.

Bob the Postman had seen Bob the Milkman going into Bob the Bricklayers House. He had mentioned this is confidence to Bob, who was the Landlord of The Split Personality. Bob being the very soul of discretion had not told above the five or six regulars that normally drank in his establishment. None of these fancied telling Bob the Bricklayer that his pregnant wife was having an affair with Bob the Milkman. However Tom, who worked on the fishing boat, the SS Schizophrenic, and who frequently enjoyed a pint with Dan and Bob, told Captain Bob the story.

Captain Bob was, when not fishing, sometimes to be found in Bob's Gym, where he worked out with his friend Bob the Bricklayer. He did tell Bob the Bricklayer the story, and it seemed that having gotten rather angry and rather drunk at the Split Personality, Bob the Bricklayer had followed Bob the Milkman on his rounds and struck him with the large stick.

Bob the Milkman did not want to press charges, but there was a further problem. Bob the Bricklayer now began to wonder about the parenthood of the forthcoming baby. In fact so worried was he about this that, once the little boy, (they named him Bob), had been skilfully delivered by Bob the Midwife, Bob the Bricklayer arranged for his DNA to be sent off to the mainland to be tested.

Fortunately for all the results showed conclusively that Bob was the father. The incident was largely forgotten, but Bob the Bricklayer never spoke to Bob the Milkman again.

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