“Where’d she go? I know she was there, I could smell her perfume.”
I’ve been thinking about my mother a lot recently. I call images back and try to step into them and live the moment again, I’m good at it and can relive huge parts of my past. But I think it’s getting out of hand. I’ve started seeing images of my mother in my house. Yesterday I walked into the bathroom and she was in the tub bathing.
She appeared to adjust the water temp and it struck me as odd that she knew how, single handle valves weren’t around when she was alive. She seemed to notice me and was turning to look when she disappeared. I looked again, and nobody was there. I was dumbstruck because I have no memories of walking in on her bathing. This is a new thing.
When I got up this morning I could smell bacon and pancakes, my favorite as a child. Entering the kitchen she was turning from a stove with a griddle and pancakes and a fry pan with crispy, almost black bacon just like I love. Before I could stop myself I said, “I love you mom.”
Her smile was exactly as I remembered with little kinked wrinkles that tipped up the ends so it looked like an airplane wing with canards, the flipped up wing-tips. I always loved it. She raised her hand and blew a kiss, then disappeared with all of the food, but The smell lingered and I wondered if it was just a memory I was preserving.
I don’t understand, but I like it. I’m just not sure if I’m losing my mind. I can’t decide if I want her to stay or leave.
I’ve fixed the guest room for her.