Taking the Dog for a... Talk?

“Why are you staring at me in such astonishment?”

“I just… I can’t believe…”

“Can’t believe what exactly, sir?”

“Can’t believe you’re speaking at all!”

“That’s a pretty low bar to set for my oral language skills. Do you really have such a low opinion of me?”

“It’s just that I’ve never met a talking dog before.”

“Incredible. My grandmother can opine on nearly anything for hours on end. And my father is a windbag of some renown on the canine lecture circuit.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Why are you shaking your head?”

“Canine lecture circuit?”

“But of course! Gatherings to pontificate on the issues of the day are quite common between members of the Canis Lupis Familiaris species.”

“They are?”

“Indeed, it is so. In fact, I happen to have a recording of my father’s latest public discourse.”

“Could I hear it?”

“Of course! Hand me your phone, and I shall download it posthaste.”

“You know how to use a phone?”

“Come now, Roger. You’re beginning to make me believe that you’re speciesist. Members of my species are easily as intelligent as yours. You haven’t noticed me mocking your primitive use of the English language, have you? It really is quite impolite. Now, your phone, please?”

“Here you go.”

“Again with the shaking of your head? You really must learn to come to terms with new information a bit more quickly. Now, let me connect my cloud account, and… there. Now you may listen.”

“All I hear is a bunch of howling. Wait! Growling too…”

“Our preferred language is not English. Canine languages are far more intuitive and nuanced. English is far less phonetic. Though occasionally it manages to do things correctly, its conveyance of emotion often does not align properly with the sound of its syllables.”

“You mean like how growling indicates anger?”

“Precisely, Roger. I’m pleased that you are catching on so quickly. Alas, the correctness of your response saddens me. At times, discussions among members of my species are not as cordial as I would prefer…”

“I know what you mean. Certain breeds are definitely angrier…”

“How rude! I am certainly not about to paint an entire breed with the same brush. I am not a racist, sir.”

“I’m not a racist. But you have to admit that some breeds tend to be⁠—”

“Please refrain from further dialogue along this path, Roger.”

“Well, okay. I’ll change the subject. I’ve noticed you call me Roger, not Master… Why are you shaking your head?”

“I’ve noticed that your use of this body language indicates bewilderment, so I use it in hopes of getting through to you. It is quite unacceptable to desire⁠—or even refer to the possibility⁠—of a member of one species calling that of another ‘master’. I forget how unenlightened humans are at times. It’s little wonder why most members of my species tend not to engage them in conversation.”

“So most dogs can speak human languages? They just find humans incorrigible, so they prefer their own language?”

“Woof!”

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