|I had left home for my Uni the next day, no one has ever told me this was what heartbreak felt like. I couldn't eat, cried myself to sleep, who could have thought that this would ever happen? Me? Megan? Sob over a guy? Never would I have thought. I believed all ladies who cry over guys and heartbreaks were foolish. Take note of the 'very'
Guess who just got added to the list... yes, you're correct. Megan!
Pulling through twenty-one years of your life without a single heartbreak could lead you to make some conclusions. I know better now.
At some point, it got really hard to breathe, and there were times I zoned out. I just wasn't myself. Cole had been disturbing me with calls and I felt it was right I picked his call. Ever since he got my contact a few weeks ago, he made it a point to call me every day. I mean every day. I told him to reduce the calls but he wouldn't listen.
I listened to his rants absentmindedly until I caught a word. "Place." He reminded me about how he has been asking me to come around his place since he stays close to mine. I thought it could work as a distraction for me and wanted to leave the confinement of my room. I had begun to feel it closing in on me. I need a safer place. Just a place. For the first time since the Snapchat thing, I left my room for someone else's.
Cole told me about himself, went on and on about things I could care less about. I simply nodded my head in response just so he doesn't feel stupid not that I cared at that moment. He caught on moments later that I haven't been listening to a single word he's said and asked me what was wrong.
"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked with his eyes firmly fixed on me. I prefer the rambling Cole. I made a mental note to myself and promised myself to avoid the serious sided Cole that does observations.
"I'm fine," I said giving him the fakest smile that there is in the whole history of man's existence.
"Meg, a five-year-old can tell you're not in any way near 'fine' what's wrong?" He repeats. I shrugged my shoulder in response.
"Common Meg." He cajoles.
"I'm sorry, I need to leave now. I'll see you around." This isn't the place for me. I concluded jumping on my feet.
"Just like that? You're leaving?" He asked with a crestfallen face.
This!!! is what I don't want. I have to figure out where it went wrong with Dean, I need to know why he has chosen to do this and do not want another drama in my life and not one that is practically handing over his heart to me. I shuddered at the thought of what I could do to all these Cole's giving out. I felt scared and scurried away from him as fast as the thought came.
Thank God, he didn't come after me, I wouldn't have known how to handle having him around while in that mess. As I walked home I couldn't help but reflect on what I had thought earlier.
I'll break his heart.
He's too soft for me.
The way he looked at me? Like I'm the prize he's been waiting to receive all these years. He doesn't even know me. I scolded him mentally.
I'll ruin him.
I was sure that these were the things I'll give back to Cole. And wanted to be as far away as possible from him. Just so I don't hurt him.
I don't want to hurt you, Cole. Please stay away. I thought as a tear slipped from my eye.
I managed to hold back the tears and dragged my feet. The seven minutes walk to my place seemed like a walk to eternity. When I finally got home after what felt like forever. I unlocked my door and plopped myself on the bed with my phone in hand. I did not even bother to lock the door behind me. I woke up right after I had closed my eyes, hoping that sleep (my best buddy) would envelop me in its arms, I was more than ready to welcome it.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes vigorously, the memories were rushing back. It was as if a tornado had hit me and each breath I took felt hard.
"Why? Could it be that he chose her? Of course! that would explain the kissing." I said out loud.
I prepared myself for the one thing I've been restraining myself from doing.
Badu! Badu! Badu!
There goes my heartbeat. I pressed my palm to my chest, a funny thing I do to calm myself.
Aside from the urge to discern the answers to these things, another part of me felt like she knew it all and the answers I needed, then the other had doubts and believed things couldn't have gotten this bad. That I could fix it. We could.
I searched for Dean's number and paused with my right thumb hovering above the dial button. My breath was ragged. I was also feeling this constricting pain around my chest. I let out a long breath and dialled his number, after the third ring, I heard his voice.
That voice. The voice I had always dreamt of listening to forever. The voice I had once hoped would wake me up every morning and would be the last thing I'd hear as I give in to sleep at night.
My Joy, everything that has ever mattered to me. Why have you done this? I had lost myself to my thoughts again when I heard him clear his voice.
"Meg?" He called out. "Are you there?"
It took all willpower to not break down right on the phone. I shook my head as if to clear it.
"Yeah. I'm here."
"What's wrong? You don't sound like yourself." He pointed out.
"Yes, of course. I've been restless, I need to tell you something."
It was the only way I could get him to come around. It has been six years of friendship with Dean, I know what would bring him to my place since he never comes around.
"Sounds serious. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Is that a question? Or you'll be here tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure about that." He said with uncertainty laced in his tone. I shook my head to myself, this is one of the rejections I've had to face since that year.
Deep breath, deep breath, take it slowly.
"Alright," I said in a sharp tone, to cover up how I felt, to stop myself from saying it all over the phone. That would be the end. I had to be strong.
"Yeah. Take care." He said and the line went off.
Hearing his voice for the first time in weeks lifted my spirits a bit but I remembered how he wasn't even sure of coming and felt the sadness wash all over me again.
Then, I did the unthinkable.