The story of my own life as a trans teen with autism
|I'm not special. I'm not the hero of a great story. I feel spite eaven writing this but I guess I will. Sometimes I wish I was a narcissist and to be honest I fear I am. Right now my hands tremble and my mind screams. 2 “voices” in my head. Not like the devil and the angel, but like pity and neglect. I hate myself for writing this. I find it funny to see myself. I don't have anything really important to say. I've done nothing. I hate myself for this, just writing this to gett myself out. WHO CARES?! Why do I care. It doesn't matter- and there the other voice goes telling me I pity myself for a narcissist. I find it funny. I feel like overtime i've learned to become friends with myself. I mean, not like being alone, like myself, I mean living with myself. Its, confusing. To explain. It's like, well- I guess it's becoming familiar with yourself. Learning the way you think. I don't mean like learning wise- altho that's part of it. I guess it's the WAY to think. Like how exactly I do…What exactly goes on inside my head. The different things I think and not.. My fears, and concerts, altho I tend to hide the depth of it all even from myself. It can't exactly be described or thought tho. To be honest, as much as I hate myself and at the same time admire this, I can sense emotions. I don't even have to see or hear you. I can feel it. |
Wherever I am or whoever. It's strange. I guess I'm connected with the world more. It's like I get a gut sense, meaning 1 or 3 things. I did something wrong. Somones sad or pationett, or at some point later in life something bad is going to happen. I think most people think I'm crazy, altho rarely, only once in my life have I ever met someone who exactly understands that, thinks the same way. I think I might be crazy- weight, and I am saying this for attention, what if i am, i'm not, why are u writing this down here- YOUR JUST SELF CENTERED- but if i'm writing this that. Ok, ok. I guess I should explain this all. I think like this. ALL the time. It's exhausting and believe me it gets so dang tiring I just always want to sleep but my mind always wanders. Wondure. I do it alot. Just sit and think, even if it's not intentional. Even if I don't want it, this strange- wonders is still there. I like to think I might have been an animal before this- before me-I mean, it seems to make so much sense to me atleast. I find it embarrassing, but I really do believe this. I think that- uh, no. ok ya- I think this might just be a book, a personal book altho i'm not sure. Maybe people would want to see this.
I'm writing this now in school, so I don't really know what I'm doing. hehe. I think that this is going to be a book of writing. Like, writing to write about writing. Ya. Perception. Ok. Perception. Ok, day 2! So, I guess I'm going to actually do some good writing at the next page. Maybe this is some sort of like, introduction without the introduction? I don't know tho. Ok, I guess I'll write about my life. I'm not going to start from the beginning, but, ya. I don't really know why I'm writing this, I guess I want this book- well, it's supposed to be themed around perception, so I just want you to think. Emagon. I want you, whoever reads this sometime to emagon, step into someone's shoes in a way. Feel more relly I guess, altho he'll know I'm not going to write this whole book this way. Watch- It's kinda funny, well, just like, i don't know- I guess just writing down my thoughts, but I want to introduce myself, in this book I guess. Well, hello! I hope you enjoy this book. It's just going to be about my life. I don't know, I just feel like writing this. Well, I hope you enjoy it.