by Nela Chau
A letter for E
You know how these things go. It's been almost 5 years of love, sadness, tears, joy, and everything in between. When I look back to the times I've wondered if I ever loved you I laugh at myself. It's obvious I do. It's obvious in my hatred. it's obvious in my thoughts and my calculations. You asked me the other day if I thought you were the right person for me. I hesitated.
If I said yes, would that be a commitment to forever, a happily never after?
I've never told you about the failed marriages that surrounded me. Starting with the one I saw in my own household. Two miserable people stuck together because they were too cowardly to let go. Yes, that is one way to put it. A home filled with tension, fights, threats, irony, affairs, lies, accusations, misunderstandings, betrayals, and all of the ugliest words. A house filled with shared values, responsibility, and Saturnian commitment, I wonder what you would say if I asked you if true love should always be akin to responsibility.
What happens when there is no love left, and there is only responsibility? I want a love full of truth, conscious exchanges, giddy surprises, and never-ending learning and respect. Many times I feel like I am asking for too much, who am I to want anything. Is it wrong to have desires? Is it wrong to have a heart that always yearns for more? I know I am not easily satisfied and I am sorry for that. I think I am just meant to love who is in front of me and not so much seek to be loved.
If I said no to you that would feel wrong.
People never end up with the "right" person, there is no right person. There is the person you are willing to work on things with, the person you're willing to pardon and try your best to understand over and over again. You are that person for me. You challenge me to no end. Agitate me. Drive me crazy to frustration. But there is so much love. There is friendship, there is kindness, there is patience, there is understanding, there is laughter, there is joy, there is authenticity, and there is a little flame that never goes out.
I love you, no matter what.