A cynical, but light-hearted look at leadership, written during main lockdown in Britain.
Good evening, this is the news from the BBC – Boring Broadcasting Corporation
Boris Johnson has announced today that Britain will be entering new, stricter lockdown measures to deal with the outbreak of flu. In his broadcast he paid tribute to Britain's NHS staff. He said that, although they were overpaid, they did “A pretty good job” and he paid tribute to their ability to keep quiet about the unfair conditions they had to work in. He said that if they were unhappy slaving for the public for a pittance, his friends in the private hospitals would be happy to employ them - with a paycut.
Announcing new measures to tackle what he described as an ”Annoying little blighter” - the flu pandemic, he said he was introducing a new lockdown measure – “Operation Saliva” where people would be encouraged not to spit on each other while arguing. Those caught doing so, he said, would be severely reminded not to. On hospitals Mr Johnson announced “Operation Ickey” and reminded the public not to visit hospitals for unnecessary things - like McDonalds, Cappuccino, surgery or ”Popping to the loo.” To ease the pressures in GPs surgeries he announced a new patient consultation time of 15 seconds.
When asked about mixing and socializing, he said that he “Always enjoyed such activities and would recommend such fun to everyone.” When one of his aides reminded him that Britain is currently in lockdown he added “Oh yes, of course, so try not to stay out too late, unless you really really want to, or you've had a few drinks and you think you might get lucky with that pretty nurse collapsed in the corner of the bar.”
Among new measures being introduced were fixed penalty fines for the worst offending parents who refused to send their children to school and, a new hand-washing song – a combination of “I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair”, and “We wish you a merry Christmas.” However, he added that the washing should continue to the line about “Figgy pudding.”
Here - in the studio to explain the government's actions, I have with me the Minister for Porky Pies – Rebecca Pretty-Bully.
“Minister, your government has promised to immunize 60 million people a day but, so far has only managed three people, two of who have since died. Are you a little disappointed with this?”
“Absolutely not, let me be perfectly clear about this, when the opposition, the unameable party were in power, they failed to invest enough in our health service, they didn't predict the pandemic, they kicked puppies around for fun, and they walked past impoversished children in the street without taking the opportunity to have their photo done with them. So our government can hardly be held responsible for those incompetent actions.”
“But Minister, you haven't answered my question.”
“No, I haven't.”
Moving on - “Minister, you have been accused by some of your colleagues of institutionalized bullying, how do you respond to those accusations?”
“Well, there is always the odd whinging snowflake, or pathetic male colleague who is jealous of my rise to power.”
“But, Minister, there have been 4,000 complaints, 10 of them from your own family. How can you justify this?”
“Well, when you look this good, and you have this much money, you don't have to.”
“Thank you Minister.”
In other news, in America, President Trump gave his first public interview since locking himself in the Whitehouse toilets and sticking his fingers in his ears while chanting - “I'm the President, I'm the President.” When asked if he felt that his behaviour in response to the election result was a little immature, he answered “Is not, is not, is not.”
Mr Trump said that the flu pandemic was “Almost gone” and that he didn't know anyone outside of his city that had it. When asked how people should behave, he said “We should go on the offensive, after all, we're at war.” When one of his aides pointed out that there was no war, he turned aside to query this saying “I thought we had declared war on China, Korea, Mexico and Islam?” When told that this was not the case, the president became visibly indignant saying “Well, why not? we should be. Our American arms workers are busting their butts to make weapons, and no one's using them, that's a waste!”
When challenged that he would no longer be president soon, he replied “Well, maybe not, buddy but, I'm still richer than you and I've got super-duper hair, and I've got a hot wife, and a hot daughter, and hot maids and advisors – have you seen my advisors? Man, phew!!”
In other news, Cliff Richards was planning to release his 100th Christmas album - but was asked not to.