When I Look Back

Sometimes, I look back on life, and think about how far I’ve come. In my minds’ eye, I picture myself as an innocent child, who had no idea about the worst of the world. I lived in a fairytale world, in which every evil could be defeated.


The world turned on its ear when I reached the age of 11. No longer was the fairytale a safe place for me to live, it was surrounded by darkness and beady-eyed creatures I didn’t know existed. An emotion that chilled you down to your very soul overpowered me on a daily bases.


I stumbled on a thin tightrope, a line between feeling the freedom of a child and the idea that the universe isn’t a fairytale, but a black hole which you fight but can’t win against.


I’d take steps forward, steps towards the door of my fairytale world, and then my foot would hit a poisoned sword and I’d stagger backwards, innocence dripping like blood stains on a carpet.


My innocence clung to me and I tightened my grip on it, determined to not be an adult in a little girl’s body, but each day was a bang that shook the walls of my childhood.


The world didn’t see me as the person I had been. It no longer thought of me as a girl who had innocence and her head in the clouds. It saw me as a shadow, an unturned stone, a mystery they didn’t know how to solve.


They placed me and themselves in the blackness, they couldn’t understand me, because I was a new concept that society was forced to deal with, when all they wanted was a warning. I didn’t come with a directions box and they didn’t know how to handle me without a rule book to guide them.


Being different in a world of normal is like being hit with rocks coming from all directions. I had to constantly put a guard around my heart.


The little girl version of me would be so confused if she saw me now. I wouldn’t expect her to understand any of the changes I’ve made. Me finding love would be an unheard of concept for her, if I told her about my love life, I’m sure she’d think I was fooling her.


Time can shift the minds of many people, but so can age and maturity.


The little girl inside of me grew up too fast, she carried too many boulders on her back, but her mind has changed like the wind.