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Rated: 13+ · Serial · Biographical · #2293208
My private thoughts as I struggle with relationship issues and life. Updated often
(Newer posts first, if you want to read in chronological order, start at the bottom)


Sometimes I wonder if I am too emotionally demanding. Over the weekend my husband took me to see the Mario movie. We went entirely because I wanted to see it as Mario brings such good childhood memories for me. I was so happy and appreciative that we went to see it together, but I couldn't help but be brought down by how distracted and bored he seemed during the movie. He kept moving around which was also distracting, although to be fair the chairs weren't the best, so he might have just been trying to get more comfortable.

I think what made me saddest was after the movie when I was trying to discuss it with him and he said he wasn't really impressed with it. I felt like at that point I needed to shut up about it. I wasn't angry, but did feel sad that it was yet another thing that we couldn't share the way I wish we could. It makes it hard because it seems like there are few things we can both share and enjoy together anymore. I know this feeling is about way more than a simple movie, but it did sadden me.


Writing my feelings out on this blog have enormously helped me as I work through personal issues. Which is why I was incredibly touched by the email I received today saying that someone gifted me a year-long upgraded membership! Whoever did it was anonymous, so I can't personally thank them, but wanted to show them my gratitude in some way, so in hopes that they read my blog....THANK YOU SO MUCH! You truly made my day and now I will be able to share even more of my life and writings here on WDC!


Things have been quiet the last few days. I'm struggling with my own issues, mostly trying to find treatments that work for my ADHD, anxiety, and insomnia. The doctor has me on two new drugs, Trazadone for the insomnia, and Wellbutrin for the anxiety and ADHD. The Wellbutrin and I do not get along. I took it once and got so sick I was done. I can't force myself to take something that makes me want to vomit and unable to eat. The trazadone is ok, but doesn't work to help me fall asleep quickly. It makes me miss my Ambien, but I know it isn't good to take that every day.

I can't help but feel that my insecurity in my relationship adds enormously to these anxiety issues. Since I have an anxious attachment style, feelings of rejection trigger me instantly. I know the issue is made so much worse by the fact that my husband is the only real relationship in my life, although not for lack of trying. It seems like every time I find a group I love and feel a real kinship with something happens and the group falls apart or quits meeting. I don't work outside the home due to physical disabilities, which makes the isolation much worse. I've thought about joining a church, but I don't want the dogma and religious stuff that comes along with it. I've been burned badly by that in the past (more than once) and don't wish to put myself through it again.


Feeling a little bit better about us today. You were kind and understanding yesterday when I got sick at the Ice Dancing show and we had to come home early during intermission. You even steadied me a few times as we were walking to the car because I was so dizzy and nauseated. I love that kind, caring side of you. I just wish I saw it all the time and not only when I'm crying or sick or melting down. Today you have been great as well, offering to go pick me up some Panera for lunch and doing a little bit of grocery shopping for me since I'm still not feeling well. I feel supported and cared for today and I'm grateful.


Our relationship has been a rough road so far, especially the last few years. We did therapy already and it seemed to help for a little bit but it wasn't too long before both of us reverted to old ways. I think the major issues are our attachment styles. I'm definitely anxious most of the time but can become fearful avoidant when I face too much rejection. I have an internally driving desire to be loved, adored, and to feel like the most important person in the world to you. You are definitely avoidant overall, more the dismissive type. I know most of our issues stem from our childhood patterns. I was from a physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive household and you were from an emotionally neglectful household. Of course, knowing all this intellectually doesn't make it easier to actually deal with while living it. It always seems like the more I try to reach out and connect with you, the more you close down and retreat. So I decide to give you some space and then end up feeling entirely disconnected and isolated, causing me to once again approach you hoping for love and acceptance. You feel fear and threatened by confrontation and emotional demands, so you turtle yourself even more and hide in that spiky shell of yours. If I keep approaching, eventually I end up getting pricked and drawing blood.


It would take a long time to tell my entire story up till this point, so I'll just start with where we are now. Yet another night of not being able to sleep as I ruminate over what my life and relationship with you has become. Feeling too alone, trapped, and disrespected to be able to rest and relax my body and mind. It feels like the closer I try to get to you, or the more interest I try to show in you, the more I am pushed away. I can't keep trying to reach out and connect, only to feel rejected yet again, all the time. I'm tired of feeling tolerated rather than loved. So tired. I think I'm just going to back off, do my own thing, and see if you ever bother to reach out. But I'm not holding my breath. Probably a good thing as I'd likely die if I did.
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