Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/229867-GOOD-STUFF
by Joy
Rated: E · Monologue · Comedy · #229867
The man has good stuff!-For the tall-tale contest-
My wife was really ill and she refused medical help. I thought it was because she was a Christian Scientist. She denied that. She told me that she had never been a Christian Scientist. Well, I could have sworn! That was news to me. "Why, don't you let me help you?" I asked her. "Wasn't I always there for you?"

"Yeah, sure!" she said. "You were there all right! On our wedding night you stayed up until morning shooting craps with your two buddies in our apartment.
" When I had our children you were the one with a wide smile as you kept passing out into the arms of the student nurses.
"You were also there when we had the kitchen fire. You handed me the fire extinguisher and got in the car and left.
"You were there when our son was having problems in third grade. You ended up giving comfort to his teacher in her bedroom. Poor thing she suffered so!
"When I lost my job you were there again, sobbing louder than me because you had lost your allowance. You cried harder than me when they accused you of stealing stuff from the Goodwill Industries.
"You were there when we lost the house because I gave you the money for the mortgage to deposit and you misplaced it. You know what, Randy? "About your offer, I think, I'll pass. You have been just too good for me."

Upon saying that, she closed her eyes and was motionless. Although I enjoyed being appreciated, I let her sleep. She had said so much, and it was deep. I didn't know I had it in me. I mean I didn't know I had been such a considerate and gentle spouse.

Well, she kept sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. She slept nearly a week, and a strange smell invaded the room. I tried to wake her up so she could clean the house and get rid of the smell. No luck! When this woman sleeps, she sleeps like a log.

Another week passed. I started getting calls from the neighborhood. I tried to explain that my wife was sleeping, but they kept calling and calling and knocking on the door.

Finally I thought I wouldn't listen to my wife anymore. I would call for help. Something was fishy about her sleeping too much. People kept talking about biological clocks those days. Could be that hers needed readjusting. I dialed the operator. She asked me where I lived.

"10 Albuquerque Road, " I said

"Would you spell it for me?" she asked in her sweet sexy voice. Women will say anything to keep me talking. What she asked was too tough for me. Only my wife spelled these things.

"Well how about Main Street? I'll drag her over there for you," I offered. She told me to stay on the line and she'd figure it out.

Finally they came and made a big commotion. Then I was taken in for questioning. That's when I learned that my wife had kicked the bucket.

At last, they figured out where I stood. "Can you take care of the paperwork?" someone asked.

"Sure," I said. So I went right over to the local newspaper and placed this ad. "Carport sale. Wife dead. Antique mattress and woman's clothes. Good stuff."

Right now, I'm sitting in front of the carport waiting for customers. I wonder why they are not showing up. Maybe they didn't believe that I always offer good stuff.

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