Empty

to my father

your words are gifts
they light up my night
when you compliment me
i want to stay with you
when you tell me you love me
you’ll change for me
you care about me
you’re sorry
sorry
gifts i will treasure
i will keep forever
just us
together
too bad they have no meaning
they drift away
empty

your words are knives
they slice me open
in your fits of anger
you say
you’ve given up on me
i need to fix things
i need to forgive you
it is my fault
you won’t keep me there
you don’t care
i’m not trying enough
i’m not good enough
i am not enough
but
she tells me not to listen
not to worry
because you don’t mean that
those words were for an instant
a moment
before drifting away
empty

your words are promises
they pledge to me
you’ll stop smoking
you’ll stop drinking
you’ll stop lying
we’ll be okay
we’ll fix things
we’ll be us again
i promise
this time i mean it
i promise
but you’re a dreamer
good intentions
good heart
good father
but why bother follow through
why not
just dream
with thoughts that drift away
empty