Friends - The One with all the Farting

The guys get gassy, but Ross feels he can't fart in front of Rachel.

Monica, Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel all sat in their usual spot at Central Perk. Chandler sat on the side, reading a newspaper. Joey sat across from him, sipping from a mug of coffee. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe all sat on the couch eyeing a People magazine, and Ross sat on the arm between Monica and Chandler, enjoying a croissant.

"Hey Chandler, any acting opportunities in that paper?"

"Nothing I could find, unless you're between 10-12 years old and looking to be the next Dakota Fanning."

Joey snapped his fingers and pouted.

"Oooh look at this, Mon!" Rachel pointed at the People magazine. "Barbara Streisand always has the nicest outfits..."

Without warning, a loud, bassy rumble echoed throughout the coffee shop.

BRRRRRT!

Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, and Chandler all quickly turned in the direction of the sound, revealing the culprit, Joey. He was sitting back in his chair, with his legs squatted upwards on the edge of his seat. He looked at the other five and nodded, a cocky smirk spread across his face.

"Oh, Joey!" The girls exclaimed, almost in unison. They each started holding their noses, all the while Ross and Chandler giggled like school children.

"Oh geez..." He said playfully. "'Scuse me..." He fanned the air in front of his face.

"Good rip!" Chandler laughed, reaching over and giving his friend a high-five.

"Joey, that's awful....what on Earth did you eat?" asked a nasally Monica.

"Hm...well, I had the Carne Asada with extra guac, onions, and peppers, some loaded nachos....and two heaping scoops of REFRIED BEANS!" He exclaimed, lifting up his leg and letting out one more bassy toot.

BRRRT!

"Ahhh~" Joey sighed and smiled in relief. "Thank you, Tio's Cantina!"

The boys erupted in laughter once more.

"Hey Joey..." Chandler said with a grin.

"Yeah?"

Chandler pulled himself up in his chair and grunted.

BRAP!

He sat down and smiled, wafting the air toward the table.

"Oh, Chandler! Really?!" Monica scolded.

"Oh great, I'm going to have to throw out this tea now..." Phoebe groaned. Chandler just chuckled and pointed at Joey.

"Toasted roast beef on rye, with a pitcher of beer and a side of egg salad..." He bit his lip and rubbed his tummy.

"Dude, nice! But dig this one..."

BrrrrRRRRAP!

"Ahhh~" Joey sighed and playfully sniffed the air.

"Buffalo chicken wings, LOTS of broccoli and ranch, and a cup of chili!"

Chandler, Joey, and Ross cracked up. The girls, however, just rolled their eyes as the cafe got smellier and smellier. Gunther looked over in disgust, grabbed the nearest can of air freshener, and starting spraying.

"You guys are so gross..." Phoebe said, shaking her head.

"Boys will be boys..." Rachel said with a shrug.

"So...got anything you'd like to contribute, Ross?" Chandler asked. Ross was desperately trying to catch his breath from laughing so hard. He looked at Chandler, his smile suddenly disappearing.

"Uh...like a fart?"

"No, we're at church and we need to donate to the collection plate..." Chandler retorted with a smile. "Yes, a fart! Go on, let one rip!"

"Yeah dude!" Joey joined in. "Don't hold out on us. We're all friends here, right girls?"

The girls, still holding their noses, gave Joey death stares. He awkwardly smiled and chuckled.

"Well, maybe more like acquaintances is this aspect..."

"I certainly feel more acquainted with your guys' digestive systems..." Said an annoyed Monica.

"Sorry guys, I'm not so sure I can..." Ross said quietly.

"Oh, thank God!" Rachel said, taking her hand off her nose.

"Why not?" Joey asked.

"Well, uh...I haven't really eaten anything all that...flatulent today."

"That's a lie!" Chandler exclaimed. "I saw you take those extra helpings of coleslaw earlier! And that bag of low-calorie bean chips you thought looked 'reeeeally good'!" He said, sing-songingly mocking Ross.

"Sorry! I just don't..." Ross looked at Rachel, who was eyeing him curiously.

"...I-I just don't have a fart...brewing...right now." He blushed.

Joey shook his head.

"Aw man, you're weak. Luckily, I have several." He lifted his leg once more.

BRAP!

"Ewwww! Joey!" The girls squealed.

"So don't I!" Chandler exclaimed, lifting up his butt.

POOT!

-----

Back at home, Ross and Rachel cuddled on the couch.

"Boy, it sure is nice to have all this fresh air, huh?" Rachel asked.

"Oh yeah." Ross giggled. "I felt bad for everyone behind us in the shop. Joey and Chandler were really going at it earlier." He planted a soft kiss on Rachel's forehead.

"I'm surprised one of them didn't end up needing to change." She joked. Ross chuckled. Rachel put her head on his shoulder as they watched the evening news.

"Hey, Rach. Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Would you...would you still be attracted to me if I happened to let one loose back there?"

"Like, if you farted?"

"...Yeah."

"Well, DUH." She said, looking up at Ross like he had six heads.

"...Is that a yes?"

"Ross, of course I would still find you attractive. Everyone farts. Just because you fart doesn't mean you're not sexy to me." Ross looked at Rachel for a moment, then smiled.

"Thank you, Rachel. I love you."

"I love you too, Ross." The two kissed passionately on the lips.

Ross started to tense up.

"You alright, honey?" Rachel asked. She sat there and watched as Ross sat completely still, his scrunching up. After a couple seconds, he sighed and relaxed his body.

"Ahhh...." He sighed.

"What?" Rachel then sniffed the air. "...Oh no!"

She covered her nose and groaned.

Ross sat back on the couch and smiled a toothy grin.

"Silent...but deadly...." He said with a chuckle. Rachel fell back onto the couch and buried her face in a pillow. Ross fanned his bottom and leaned over to hug her.

THE END