Trials and Tribulations

Middle of the night, sobbing on the floor

Life has a funny way of working things out. One moment, you’re going one direction, then suddenly life throws your whole mind for a loop. One moment, you're sure where you're going in your life, then all of the sudden everything is going against you, and there's nothing you can do to stop it, or even try to see it coming.

I’ve had more than my share of trials and tribulations, yet it seems as if they are around every corner, no matter where I go. It’s like problems follow me and danger lurks in every corner, waiting till my guard is lowest to strike. Struggle has been burned into my mind like a brand left there after unwillingly committing to some stupid cult called life.

Every beat of my heart in my chest echos like a reminder that I still have more than a million heart beats to go till I’m finally pulled from this stupid world. Everyday, another incision like thought pierces through my mind, saying everything is useless and there's nowhere else to go.

Every prayer I murmur on the cold bathroom floor in the middle of the night gets farther and farther away from reaching the ears of the God I was told loved me and died for me.

Who would die for me? Who would willingly give up their life for a girl who can't go a day without letting someone else down, whether it’s her family, friends, or peers. Who would die for a girl who lost all hope years ago and cannot see even the smallest chance for a reality where she will get it back.

I have pains in my heart that I will never be rid of, even if I dont even remember how I got them, and even more that will come to settle like another weight in my chest, pulling me further and further to the bottom of the seas of sorrow that swallowed me when I was little.

Yet the more I go through, the less serious my struggle is taken. The longer I soak up all the liquid death that seeps and oozes from every word, action, and thought that people give me the tighter I am held by chains of jealousy and hatred. Pure unadulterated hatred for the world and the people around me.

I hate you. I hate this. I hate her. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate my thoughts, my feelings, my words, my personality, everything.

There is no rainbow at the end of my road, no pot of gold, no lucky charm. But I pray for it every day. No I don't, thats a lie. I dream of it, every day. I dream of an easy life with easy situations and easy feelings. I dream of an life without pains and trials and tribulations.

My roots are soiled in hatred, they are fed by jealousy, and thrive in downpours of spiteful breakdowns. But I do this in silence. I sit on my island of scars and tears, hidden under plains of lush green grass, and bright sunny days so that no one knows how much of a hateful person I was destined to be.

No one knows. And I just thought that maybe it was time to uproot one or two, and finally let people know.