Authoritarian Elementary

A (fictional) letter to a sibiling in college.

Mom threw away my notebook! I don’t get it. All I need is another piece of paper, and school gives me all the paper in the world. That’s what school does, they give you a number 2 pencil and paper to follow their rules, and moms throw away your papers because you're spending too much time away from family. Why not just take me out of school, huh? If you’re so against paper. What is it about her hatred with paper? What’s wrong with it? Is it too bland for her? I have no idea! I asked her, and she said I should be spending my time outside. Does she like… know what school is? Spending all my time sitting in one spot inside, and when I do that, she says I shouldn’t! And she calls me impossible. Anyway. It’s Monday, so next week is your birthday. Happy early birthday in case mom throws away my next letter. To answer your question from last time, yes, you’re right, dad made me go ice skating yesterday. I had fun. I wish it wasn’t so crowded though, but that’s the way of crowds. They’re crowded. Oh! That’s probably why that’s called that. When you get done with college, make me a button that can copy a place and get rid of all the people so I don’t have to always deal with them. I mean, I like people, right, but it’s just, I don’t know. Is there a lot of people at college? I guess it’s alright if there is. School is fine because everyone’s doing nothing so it doesn’t bother me. And when someone does do something it’s like a really good ice skater suddenly shows up at the ice place. That happened. I think he was famous because a bunch of people went up to him, but I forgot his name. He told me his name. I don’t know why, he just came up to me while I was skating (there was more room because some people left, but only like 5), and he liked the way I skated. I think he was lying, but I don’t mind because he was nice too. He taught anyone who wanted how to skate better and when he did that the room felt less crowded. That makes less sense than mom throwing away my paper because the room had only 2 less people, but maybe those 2 people were the line for what a crowd is. At least 1 of them was. I don’t get that about words. How much is a crowd? 10 and more? 15? It’s not 23 because there were 22 people at the ice place. I asked my teacher today and she said it doesn’t matter. That makes no sense. If how many people a crowd is doesn’t matter, why do all the other words she teaches matter so much? Are there grades in college? I hope not. I don’t get those either. I don’t know why, they just seem weird. Like little aliens popping up every once in a while to remind you that you’re on a planet in the middle of nowhere and you don’t matter. It scares me. Aliens, not grades. Grades are just boring. My teacher taught us a new phrase last week, close but no cigar, and she said it means that something is close to success but not quite there, so I told her that the word crowd was close but no cigar because it didn’t mean anything. She said that’s wrong, so I said she’s close but no cigar because I thought I was right and she didn’t say why I was wrong, and then she gave me homework. I think it’s because I said it in the middle of her teaching. I didn’t mean to, but I didn’t think about telling her later because that doesn’t make sense. I thought I was allowed to ask questions during class, but apparently I’m not, but apparently sometimes I am because the girl next to me asks about 500 questions a day. I think I just picked the wrong second and she knows all the right seconds you’re supposed to ask questions, and she takes all of them. Or my teacher can’t handle another one. Do you ask questions at college? What is college like? I don’t remember which one you go to. I learned another word today. Mom said it. Authoritarian. I had to ask how to spell it. I think my school should be named Authoritarian Elementary. Mom laughed when I said that, and I don’t get it, but maybe you’ll laugh too, so I’ll tell you about it. Mom asked why I think that, and I told her it’s because they don’t let anyone go outside except for recess (but I hear that goes away in middle school, so I guess all hope is lost next year), and they don’t let us do anything that they didn’t suggest. One time I asked if we could do recess early, and I was kind of joking, but it was still worth a shot, and she just stared at me for like an entire hour! Then, guess what! The next week we had recess early because it was a special occasion. I mean, what! I don’t even know what to say about that. She could have just said no and moved on with the class. It’s not like it matters, or maybe it does. You just can’t tell what matters. Can you? In college, anyway. Did you ever think like this? I know you have a different dad, but I don’t know. How do I make sense of people? I know before you told me I just have to keep learning, but I wanna know now. I can’t even tell if the other people in my class feel like that either, but I couldn’t ask them because I don’t even know what I would ask. “Hey, Chris, do you ever think about how nothing makes sense and try to make sense of it?” That question doesn’t make any sense, of course he wouldn’t know how to answer it. You know about Chris, I think. Mom said she was talking to you about my friends, so she probably talked about Chris. One day, couple weeks ago, we were asked what we wanna do when we grow up, I don’t remember who asked, and Chris said he wanted to be a rock. It was hilarious. But then the person who asked was like “That sounds great!” I don’t even know. I couldn’t answer her, so I said I would be grass, but Chris said cows would eat me, and I said I wouldn’t care, I’d be grass, and he said the cow would feel sad for eating me because the grass was me, so now I’m wondering why grass isn’t people, but that’s just an impossible thing. I know what my teacher would say if I asked her. She’d tell the principal there’s something wrong with me, and then mom and dad would think that too, and they’d try to do school at home even though I already have homework, so I’m not going to ask. What do you do when you want to ask questions? Why can’t I just ask a question? Am I allowed to ask that? I don’t know. The guy at the ice place said I could be whatever I want to be. I think he wanted me to be an ice skater, but I don’t know. I think I want to write letters to you and turn into grass. I’ll be like those animals that paint except I’ll be grass that writes letters to you. How did you choose to do that brain stuff, whatever it’s called? I remember you used to want to be a veterinarian. I couldn’t do that. Too much hair. Anyway. This letter is getting long, and you probably have 500 times more homework than me, so you can get back to that, and I have to go eat dinner now. I’m hungry now. What do you eat there? Is the food good at college? Send me some food from there in a box, if that’s allowed, and if they even still give you food by the time you’re at college, or do they bring stuff like recess back? Do you remember recess? Okay that’s enough letter. Mom says to come down. I don’t want her to throw my paper away again, so I’ll end this now. I don’t want it to be so quick, though. It feels weird. Can you teach me how to end a letter?