Seven

The trauma of being abused by a sibling

Things never made sense to me
Why did I hate dresses?
Why did those men whom I had known for so long suddenly make me uncomfortable?
Why did I hate being hugged?
Why was I always so angry?
It never made sense to me before
I didn't understand then
What you were doing to me was wrong
You were my big brother
Why would you do that to me?
I never understood
Now I do
Now it weighs so heavily on my heart
And you don't remember
You don't feel sorry for what you did to me
And I am so angry, still
I mourn the brother I never had
But I don't want that brother back
It feels so wrong now
Everything feels wrong
I don't think I will ever know
The answer to my loudest question
"Why?"
"Why did you do that?"
You were supposed to protect me
I wasn't supposed to be sexualized
I was seven
I was supposed to be playing with my stuffed animals
I was supposed to play dress up
It's the big mystery of my life
It will never be solved
I will never find closure
You took my body from me and made it your own
Shaped me into the person I see in my mirror
The person who disgusts me
I hate my bare skin
I want to cut it all off\
So I don't have to look at every bit
That you deviled
I don't feel like myself anymore
I feel so much all the time
I try to get better
But you live in my head
You remind me of it every day
And I was only seven