A Graduation Speech

A valedictorian delivers his commencement speech. It's a little blunt.

“Now I’d like to present our class valedictorian, high honor society member, and National Merit scholar, Arthur Bernstein.”

Moderately loud applause greeted Arthur as he stepped up to the podium. He looked out at the students in the caps and gowns seated before him on the basketball court, to the families in the stands. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and cleared his throat. Unfortunately, the microphone picked that up, and there were a few titters that quickly subsided. He took a deep breath.

“Students of Westham High School, faculty, friends and family. This is indeed an auspicious occasion, as we all begin our post high school journey. We will all be taking different paths through life. In my case of course, it will be a full ride to MIT, but there will be other journeys just as fulfilling. Take for example, our star quarterback, Vince Williams, who led us to the playoffs for the first time in twenty years. Sadly, that ended with a 64-19 shellacking, but it’s the journey that counts.”

“I became well acquainted with Vince over my four years here, or at least with the inside of his locker, which I got a close up view of on several occasions. Even though the confident predictions he constantly made that he would be recruited to a big-time college never panned out, I’m sure he will enjoy a fulfilling career in custodial engineering.”

He heard laughter at that, and saw several students turn and look at each other. Vince himself appeared ready to explode.

“I also fondly remember Jennifer Anderson. Sweet, sunny Jennifer, captain of the cheerleading squad, who was always quick to pick me as her lab partner in chemistry, although never seemed able to recognize me outside of class. That’s probably due to poor eyesight, as she could never tell the difference between the symbols for oxygen and carbon dioxide, or any other chemical symbol for that matter. Still, she always did fairly well on the tests, at least when she sat next to me.”

There was more laughing at that. He could see Jennifer’s face turning red enough to match her hair.

“We also have Bill Robinson, who did quite well in chemistry, and is blessed with an entrepreneurial spirit. He’s done very well as a small businessman in the pharmaceutical industry, and will no doubt continue his career after high school, as long as he avoids the notice of law enforcement.”

“Then of course there’s all the other memories we will always share. Take for example the party, well it was really a rave, at the old Smith barn just a couple months ago. Well, I don’t remember it, since I wasn’t invited, was, in fact, pointedly told not to come, but I hear it was a great time. That is, until the police showed up and arrested everyone, having been tipped off by some lowlife snitch. Such a pity.”

There was no laughing after that last remark. In fact, Arthur could see glowering expressions in the audience, and the phrase “lynch mob” briefly passed through his head. Nevertheless, he continued.

“However, enough about the past. We must now look to the future. A bright and promising future for all of us. Well, most of us. Okay, maybe just a few. While not all of us will be doctors, like my friend Alex will be, or lawyers, like Sarah and Mike will no doubt become, there will always be a need for beauticians, farmers, Uber drivers, and lawn care specialists. At least, until AI robotizes everything and blue-collar occupations become a thing of the past. I’ll keep you all fondly in mind as I’m designing those very AI systems that will render your lives meaningless and empty. Never fear however, there is always welfare.”

The glowers turned to muttering. He could see it was time to wrap this up and perhaps make a quick exit.

“So, let’s hear it for the class of 2025. We will all fondly remember our time here as we go forth, some of us to college, most of us not, but really as I said before, it’s the journey that counts. Here’s hoping all your journeys will be fulfilling and rewarding, or at least adequate. Thank you for your kind attention.”

There was a conspicuous lack of applause as he resumed his seat. He didn’t really care. Maybe it was the journey that counted, but the end of his high school journey was satisfying indeed. Assuming of course, he could make it out alive.