A Cold Reality

The Cold Reality that you were just narcissistic supply to your parents

It is a cold reality when you realize your parents never truly loved you! They saw you as a means to an end! I distinctly remember the moment my mother said to me, "You don't want me to work for the rest of my life, do you?" This made me terrified and scared, and angry! I was 17 years old and was working 100% of my efforts in school and sports! Through sports, I brought glory to my seemingly hopeless family! We were immigrants from China! We had nothing! What I thought was love turns out to be a transaction between my Malignant Narcissistic Father and Covert Narcissistic Mother! Growing up, I felt what I thought was love, but all my parents ever wanted me to do was achieve, achieve, and achieve! They never cared about me having fun! Maybe this is the plight of all immigrant families, who come to the United States with nothing but the clothes on their backs? Christmases came and went with no presents! There was a cold, hollow emptiness in our existence for many years! I felt nothing but sorrow, suffering, pain, fear, and uncertainty! I never felt like I could rely on my parents for anything! We never bought new clothes, well, my brother did. He worked as a newspaper delivery boy at the age of 12! He would jolt me up at 4:30 am and tell me, "Hey, wake up, help me wrap the newspapers." I never wanted to, but for some reason always did! I hated wrapping the papers. I did not get paid or rewarded for it, like everything in my life back then, work, work, work, but never any reward! Maybe this was the plight of all immigrant families! My father never looked happy! He was always angry! He always screamed, and mom always looked sad-she did not speak any English. There was such a deep suffering inside me all my childhood, it makes me cry now just remembering it! I felt everyone's pain, but no one saw mine, and just expected me to perform! I wanted to die, screaming on the inside-make this stop! I know now, our lives were all to serve my Malignant Narcissistic father! We were simply a narcissistic supply for him! I hate him so much now! He never loved us; there was never any love in his heart! We all just existed to serve his illusions of grandeur! From the time I was in Elementary School until I went to College, I trained in sports, studied, and worked on Sundays. The only happiness I thought I had was when I was with my friends, once in a while, but looking back, even that was tainted with sorrow, deep unconscious sorrow-there was never any pure love or joy, it was always tainted! My father would always try to be in control of everything! If I were at my friend's house, he would call and demand I come home! If my friends invited me over, they would demand their number, when I was coming home, and what I could and could not do! I hate him! Looking back now, I understand it was because he was Evil! He was absolutely Evil! The only momentary joys in my life were moments of freedom away from him; even then, I felt guilty for having any fun! This is what it is like when you have a Malignant Narcissist for a father! I want to kill him now, but what good would that do? I want justice, but I don't know what that looks like. I watch videos on how to break away from people like him, but his seeds of doubt in my mind, from such a young age, have been almost impossible to break! I hope he burns in hell forever when he dies!