A Narrative In Our Minds

Reflection, the things no one wants to admit, or say aloud, but I choose to do so.

Dear feelers, thinkers, writers, lost souls, people pleasers, and the curious
We forget to realize that in every moment, memory, every emotion we feel, every thought we think, all is adding or dictated by a narrative. Sometimes in an unconscious one. One we resist. One we never want to admit is happening. During a fight, a confrontation of a mistake, or a regret we relive, we may convince ourselves and tell the story in such a way in our minds that we are the victim, that it was not our fault, that we were never a bad person. In other cases, such as my own, I often painted myself as the one completely, and entirely at fault, the bad guy, the problem. We do this because of our past, present, and even future. I've learned control of my own narrative, it's a great accomplishment, but it is one that goes without outside recognition. As long as you do not crave external validation with your whole soul, I'd recommend questioning your own, kind of all the time. Recently I quite brutally called out a now ex friend of mine. That was my wake up call, she had been a friend of mine for four years, all of my time in high school. I called out her actions and choices, calling her a bad person because of them. She later went through the process of confronting parts of herself and her life she had not had to face instead of joking about them. That is when I get a text from her in the late hours of the night, calling me a horrible person. Quite an unusual wake up call, but with the way my brain works, it only makes sense. I question peoples behavior, what emotion, what charges them, as result I questioned why she would say that. In her narrative I am the villain, when in reality I was a truth teller and exposed her out of nowhere, this same friend, along with just about everyone, call me "too nice," which was rather ironic given the name calling from her. A paragraph about telling her just how bad she is was something everyone was shocked by. It sparked a realization and a deep dive into what my day to day narrative is. After years of convincing myself and persuading myself into truly believing I am a terrible person, I changed that. I truly do not believe in a general consensus of good or bad, any action can be argued to be good or bad believe it or not. Being a person comes with the struggle of that, a constant one. Adding this into this messy life equation, I've become unbiased in my head until I can reach a solution or conclusion. If you were to spend a day in my mind, it's as if one side of me packs an emotional tornado, another a well researched AP English level argument, integrating certain devices from those classes even, then my narrator, the third party who watches it unfold, questions both sides, and finds the answers, the one who shakes things up, the embodiment of controlled chaos. In other words, that's me. As I remember, live, and hope, I open my eyes into every perspective, why I'd be a bad person, why I'd be a good one, why I am the way I am. Being this philosopher I am at the age of 18, I've answered the, "hard," life questions. Who I am, who I want to be, why I do things, why I feel things the way I do. This heightened my self awareness, I think I can finally call myself my home, where I belong, as my inner story teller told me I had nowhere I would feel whole. That's what I mean by changing the narrative, as you go about life think about the story that unfolds in your mind with those inner monologues, thoughts, memories, or even feelings, or however else people think. The visual thinkers, the writers, the philosophers like me, the hurricanes of thoughts and feelings, to anyone out there, just think. Think about what you think, question it all, see where it leads you. I mentioned the people pleasers and outside validation addicts because you will not be recognized for changing the way you think, for true inner change. It sucks sometimes, being around people feels like solitude because I am this way, face it or embrace it.
Sincerely,
A storyteller