Once In A Life Time

A brief essay of my past. Something I truly regret til this day. Love story if you wish.

What if I told you that a person meets their life long love once in a lifetime? That most people miss their opportunity just by a thin hair. Well, before I start the story I would like to say that my special or was a special someone whose name started with a “J” and for privacy reasons I won't use his full name. During this time of fallout, I tried to convince myself that it was for the better not just for him but for myself.

The incident all started when I left him for the sole purpose of making his life easier than being in it. I thought it would be something that I was doing for the both of us. At the time I didn't tell him the real reason why I left, I figured that if he knew he would do something drastic. I knew he was upset while I knew I had to stay strong and stick with my decision. The decision was to leave him, make sure he didn’t know the real reason I left, and let him focus on his life rather than me. I knew what a selfish thing I had done, but what choice did I have? I couldn’t let him be in pain, so I left and kept our small teddy bear key chains we had gotten together as a small token of our past.

Throughout the summer I stayed inside all day trying to distract myself from my decision. I knew sooner or later I would come to regret this fact that I had just broken up a perfectly good relationship for his peace. I didn’t want him to cry, to lay in bed thinking he was completely alone. But that’s exactly how I made him feel, alone– alone in this world only to confide in his friends. What was this feeling? Regret. Or maybe sorrow? I wasn’t sure, but my only distraction was friends and my social life. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking at the time since I was too cowardly and broke it up over the phone. But what was I supposed to do? What to say? How would I look him in the eyes and say “I’m done with this relationship” Knowing full well that I wasn't. I didn’t want to leave, I loved this man. But the harsh reality hit me harder than expected when the next school year came by and heard “J” talking to a new girl.

Around this time, this is where I started to dive into a semi-depression state, it wasn’t bad or major. Just simple things such as not eating full meals, sleeping more, not being social, less talking, and overall not having any motivation. Despite that, I threw myself into school. That's all I could do. This constant fear of not building a stable future drove me to do my school. I couldn’t look like a clown by sulking over a man and be dumb. So that’s exactly what I did, focused on school til the 3rd day passed by.

It was from one of my old social media sites that I forgot to block due to me not using it anymore til a few days ago. He had texted me, that morning I felt anxious and scared of what he might’ve said. As I got enough courage to open the text I found him reassuring me…what? How could he not hate me? After all I did, this man still had enough courage to text me that he didn’t hate me. Why? What did I ever do to deserve a man so gentle in my life? Not once did I expect kindness after what I did. After all, he didn’t even bother to look at me during the last month of school. But to be fair, I didn’t even have the right mental state to look at him either. Eventually, we started talking more- even rekindling our friendship along the way of making up.