No Racoon

No raccoons in the garbage.

No Raccoons In My Garbage

Most nights they trundle across our small deck on their way to what they hope is an open garbage can. Can’t tell if it is the same raccoon every night or different ones, maybe there’s a family nearby.

It’s kind of great when I look at just the right time and see a raccoon, head turned, looking at me with two pinprick eyes of reflected light.

Really, they aren’t much of a problem and I wouldn’t care at all if they filled their stomachs without making a mess, but they do make a mess, which means I have to clean it up and that means no raccoon buffet at my house.

I heard the lid come off and some banging around so I opened the sliding screen door and stepped out.

“Honey, a raccoon is in the trash, I’m going to need some garbage bags.”.

“New box under the sink.”.

I didn’t want to give it time to scatter last week's left overs so I was quick. I stepped off the deck and around the corner of the house waving my arms, “Ya Yaa Ya Yaa Ya Yaa”.

“Crap!”.

Equally quickly, I covered my face and ran into the backyard.

Janet looked out, “What’s going… Oh man!”, she slid the glass door shut and locked it.

My eyes were watering and my nose was running as I was pleading to get into the house. I just wanted to rip my clothes off and stand under the shower but Janet was gate keeping, “Not a chance, you’re not coming in my house smelling like that!”.

“Honey!!”.

“Use the hose, I’ll throw soap to you, you’ll need vinegar and tomato juice too... if we have any.”.

“It’s barely fifty degrees out here!”.

“It's almost seventy.”.

That skunk sprayed me full on, point-blank. Nine o’clock at night, I'm in the backyard, in my underwear, covered with soap and tomato juice while scrubbing with rags soaked in vinegar. Wash Rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat.

Janet had been kind enough to go to the store. She filled a big bowl with vinegar and set out open cans of tomato puree.

An hour and a half later I was back inside with fresh clothes, most of the smell was gone.

Janet said goodnight, “There’s a bunch of blankets on the couch, see you in the morning.”.

I really wouldn't mind the raccoons...