What happened to Alice?

Alice doesn't work here anymore

It was Friday at noon and Smity’s was a monotone of mixed voices. Not a raised or mumbling but more like the dull monotony of the ocean pushing on the shore.
Bill and Stewie were perched on their usual stools, and Alice was jumping about like a fly with St. Vitus Dance. In short, normal for the end of the work week

As I walked up to the counter, Stewie stood up and said, “Early lunch today, Vic. See you next week, and isn’t it great in here since they passed the law about no smoking in restaurants?”

“Some like it some don’t” I said carefully. Stewie was death on smoking and we all knew it was best to leave it alone with him.

Bill mumbled, “I think it is Un-American.” but he let it go.

After Stewie left, Bob said “OK.” and most everybody lit up – ashtrays appeared like magic.

I emptied the ashes from my pipe, filled it, lit and packed it and took a long pull, “Do you think Stewie would turn us in?”

“In a New York minuet” observed Bill, “He might feel bad about it but would be convinced he was doing it for our own good.”

“It wouldn’t be for my good” said Bob, “I would be fined or maybe closed down. This way is better. He knows but chooses to leave it alone.”

Another example of Smitty’s Justice, I thought. Live and let live, just don’t rub my nose in it.

Having been served my unasked for but expected coffee, I took a puff on my pipe and looking at Bill sitting next to me asked, “So besides the smoking ban, what’s new? Alice seems a bit upset or is that just me?”

Having a little fun with Alice was always a way to start some playful conversation.

As Bill started to respond to me, Alice ripped off her apron, threw it on the counter and yelled, “I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS PLACE – I’M OUT OF HERE!”

With that, she marched to the door.

Bob called out from the kitchen as she was arriving at the door, “Don’t let the door hit you in the Butt on your way out!”

She turned glared at him and left slamming the door behind her.

For a moment or two Smitty’s was a quiet as a tomb. The “regulars” were stunned and seemed to be waiting for some kind of punch line. None was forthcoming. We all knew from knowing Alice and Bob for all these years that this was serious and something major had changed. We all depended on Smitty’s and wanted no change.

Bob went back to his work in the kitchen and his wife Freda took over the waitress duties. Smitty’s moved along but in a kind surprised shakiness.

After about five minutes of silence, Bill turned to me and in a stage- whisper said, “I told you not to push her so hard.”

“I said nothing that should have caused that outburst. I thought of Alice as a friend, well, not an enemy. At least when she was holding a pot of hot coffee.”, I explained.
But Bill was relentless and in his best lawyer voice pointed and me and said, “The evidence is clear, you were the last to talk to her before she exploded. So, you look guilty of being the cause.”

“I’m innocent” I protested, “This is a drummed-up charge. When have I ever cause trouble here?”

Leo, the fireman said, “Well, there was the time you said that the new mailman couldn’t get in the mail box outside the store.”

“That was a misunderstanding, he came in and said some one had parked too close to the box and he couldn’t get in. I just said he was too big to fit in the slot of the mailbox even if the car wasn’t there. Even with that he just looked at me and left - there was no trouble.”

“Sure, after the guy blocking the mail box moved his car and the mailman left. I’ve never seen that mailman around here after that.”

“That’s not my fault; besides male man is redundant so what does it matter?” I rejoined.

There was a pause.

Dan, the plumber, said,” this is getting off the subject. The question here is who caused Alice to go off and specially was that who, you?”

Bill ever that one to enforce Robert’s Rules, stated that he would be forming a grand jury to looking to possible charges against me for inciting possible change.

I protested but was overruled and told that I would be notified of the result of the jury’s deliberations. But that would have to wait until Monday.

I came in on Monday and there was a new waitress named Kim.

A cup of black coffee was placed before me before I asked for it. She stood for a moment in front of me locked eyes and said “I’ve heard about you.”

I said “I was innocent.”

She said “Right.”