IN THE YEAR 1492

prose piece

Edward Simmons has just ordered a brand-new refrigerator and is sitting in a slouched position watching a televised billiards game. Edward is unmarried, overweight, and underemployed. He does not own any pets, dislikes cantaloupe, and can never remember where he places his keys. Edward has many keys, most of which unlock nothing he knows about. There are only a few keys he actually uses. So Edward likes the weight of the keys on his key ring.

As he waits for the arrival of the refrigerator, Edward’s mind drifts from the billiards game to a day long ago when he and a friend decided to rob another friend of some baseball cards. Edward thinks about this for a good while, and finally the doorbell rings; the refrigerator is probably here.

Edward gets up out of his slouched position, turns down the billiards game, and goes to answer the doorbell. He assumes it is the delivery guy with the refrigerator, but of course can’t be sure. Edward peers through the peephole before opening the door, just to make sure who it is he will be opening himself up to.

When the door swings open, Edward comes face to face with the refrigerator delivery guy. He looks really young and smart and is dressed in his neat gray jumpsuit uniform that has embossed in red cursive lettering above the shirt pocket, MOOKIE. Edward studies the name for a moment and looks into Mookie’s face. Edward sees no connection whatsoever between the way the refrigerator guy looks and the silliness of his name.

So Edward deducts that “Mookie” isn’t really his name.

“Are you Edward Simmons?” Mookie says. Edward Simmons nods. “Well, I have your refrigerator downstairs.”

Edward blinks. “Would you like to come see it before we bring it up?” Edward nods again. “Okay,” says Mookie.

So eventually Edward Simmons obtained a brand-new refrigerator and to this day still sits slumped in a slouched position watching televised billiards, is unmarried, overweight, and underemployed, owns no pets, dislikes cantaloupe and cannot remember where he places his keys, which still number in the double digits.