Happy Endings

How to talk to the perfect A.I. personality and get results.

“Happy Endings. How may I make your day?” The voice on the other end was A.I. Cheerful and it had a too perfect tone, volume, pitch and pace. I groaned at the headache of having another non-human interaction.,

“May I speak to someone in charge of billing?” I asked. “I’ve been double charged for having you euthanize my cat.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your loss. We offer a free introductory session with a professional grief counselor. Would you like an appointment?”

“Only if they are in charge of billing,” I lamented. “Can I speak to a person?” Finding a live human being was beginning to feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.

“What person would you like to speak to?” The voice asked with cheerful sincerity. “Do you have a name?”

“My name is Henry Swallow, for starters. Look me up and connect me with whomever handled Fluffy’s demise.”

“I’m afraid there is no Henry Swallow working here. I’m sorry to hear about Fluffy’s passing. We have a professional grief counselor available right now. Would you like to talk to him on the phone free of charge?”

Finally, the chance to talk to a real human. “Put him on.”

“Hello. Handling Grief is a five stage process, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. May I ask which stage you are on>” It was the same perfect A.I. voice I’d heard before, this time in male mode.

It was the last straw. "What's the third word in the sentence you just spoke?" Asking a real time contextual question can trip up less sophisticated A.I. personalities.

“Please wait and I’ll connect you with one of our executive consultants.”

There was a pause. “Yeah? Waddah want? Speak up, I ain’t got all day.”

Finally, a human voice.

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