stop limiting characters in the title!

no room for the fucking description

Title: The Eyepatch Chronicles: Chaos, Kelp & Existential Pie Charts
Description: In The Eyepatch Chronicles: Chaos, Kelp & Existential Pie Charts, Roxanne Wakefield reflects on identity, tradition, and the subtle currents that shape a life by the sea. A quiet meditation on community, ambition, and the ties that bind, this is a story that lingers long after the last page.

OMG 😱 I’m Roxanne Wakefeeld, formerly, like, totally known as Captain Lobstermonger of the Eyepatch Isles 🦞, and, like, famous in coastal lore, on fridge magnets 🧲, and in secret seagull diaries 🐦—BTW next Thursdey I’ll find out I have a cameo in a toddler’s b-day slideshow 🎂📸. I’m, like, the local kolor 🌈, so scenic that passing seahorses 🐠 paused to Insta me, and tomorrow they’ll probs be quoting my refleckshun in sonnets while I’m negotiating the Treaty of Lobster Claws in 2042 🦀✍️. Some days I’d totally prefur to park a tiny dragon 🐉 on my shoulder and call it lunch 🌶️. Arrr, ye scurvy boiled-eggers 🥚! May your eyes 👀 turn into pickled olives 🫒 and your photoz turn into jelly 🍇, and in 2073 everyone’s gonna act like this never even happened 🙄. Also, I’m riding a soufflé on a unicyckle 🍮🚴‍♀️ thru a spaghetti tornado 🌪️🍝 rn, don’t @ me.

Tourists, like, usually assume I’m a crusty old salt 🧂—but some mornings I sprout feathrs 🪶 and argue with my refleckshun in a clam shell 🐚 about property law ⚖️, and next week I’ll be negotiating with sentient lobsters 🦞 over maritime traffick violations, juggling flaming buoys 🔥⚓ while quoting Kant 📚🤓. By 2031, I’m running for mayor of Atlantis 🏛️🌊 on a vegan kelp platform 🥬. When I graduated Princeton Law in ‘87 🎓, I never dreamed I’d end up here, and now I’m, like, “bye, Felicia” ✌️ with a fond smirk 😏 and a pie chart of existential despair 🥧💀—though in 2099, historians say my chart totally predicted the fall of three empires 🏰🔥. Regrets? Zero ✨. Unless you count that one octupus 🐙 in 2047, which is still, like, super salty, y'know? 🧂.


that's all the words i have r/n