Is it Intuition or High Expectation?

I feel really lost within myself, like a broken record. I feel I'm never happy or content.

I wanna be free,
sat by the sea,
perched in the warm sand,
in complete awe of an enchanted land.
I wanna let go of all expectations, pressure and
daily human customs.
I wish to be at complete peace, with no distractions.
Being by myself, without people causing commotion.
I wanna live by my own rules and use my own tools.
Why do I have to do what I'm told?
Lots of times I find myself craving independence and freedom.
I wanna chase my dreams.
I love seeing life in color. Why can't we all do that?
Why can't we all see eachother as friends, not enemies?
Why can't the world be positive like all the time?
I want mental clarity, stability and calmness.
Why can't I seem to find or experience this?
Wanna stick my toes in the water or climb a tree.
So many things I wanna do.
Wanna romanticize my every move.
Wanna be a different girl, a new girl, with so much more
happiness and self acceptance for who I am.
A tug is what I feel, for acceptance, an urge for more than this.
For adventure, adrenaline, peace and more gratitude for how much beauty there really is.
Wanna let ALL my creative spark fly. I know it's inside.
Just can't seem to get it out, I don't know why.
The insides of my brain are colorful and the energy I possess is wonderful.
I know I can do more. I want to experience more. The whole world is my oyster.
It all seems to be a dream after all in my head, and I always seem to dread
what I do, day after day.
Always singing the same song. I want a new one to play.
Think I need help from a therapist to tell me who I am, because I can't seem to figure who I am,
by myself most the time. So lost on what my purpose in life is, what God's path for me is.
Feels most the time, like I'm alone and all this dreaming is made up, trapped in a box.
Never fully satisfied with what I have, always wanting more, but God's in control, he's keeping score.
Why can't I be happy? It doesn't feel like an emotion that I have at all. Depending on other people,
to tell me who I am, and what's acceptable or not, but I always seem to fall.
Like a rocky cliff I start to climb up, but then all the rocks scrap my knees and cut me up.
Once one feeling of happiness and confidence takes place in me, I start to feel shame. It's not
something I can be. Everyone around me seems to tell me how I can act. Why does it have to be like that?
I'm like the weird exotic creature, you see in a lab, not made like everyone else. Everyone else always seems so much more fab.
I want so many things, many things indeed, but second guessing myself always impedes.
Self expression is something I'm trying to work on, but it's really hard for me, most days.
I feel my wants are all a big con. Will I ever get what I want? I don't know. Feels like all my big visions are much too slow,
for this world that always seems to go.
The pressure really hits me now, like snow that hits the aggressive plow.
I'm already 16, so will everything really work out?
Everyone is always telling me, be confident or be yourself, and when I do, I feel shame,
because the discouraging words or looks hurt like hell.
I love all things that make life life, after all.
A push and pull effect is what I feel.
One thing after another, decided.
Feels like I'm not even real.
Wanna draw, dance, be bold and live loudly.
But I'm stuck, I really feel like I'm drowning, in a large puddle. My fear and thoughts don't come up to the surface,
but start to bubble like hot water, overflowing in pot, just wish my anxiety, self doubt and negative thoughts would just rot.
Feels I'm alone in everything I do, that I need to do everything, so much more in front of everyone, just to prove
that I am the most amazing girl ever and I can be inspiring to people. I need to be strong and act like I have it all together,
light as a bird and as graceful as a feather, because I know within myself, that when I start to falter,
I slip to the deepest pit and can't pull myself out. I really hope my brain can work it's self out.
I feel like flesh, walking without a personality,
A gray cloud flushing over white clouds that surround me.
Why do I feel ashamed for feeling empathy or any vulnerable emotion? When that's really what I think life
should be more about, but I can't get myself to live in that state,
but instead contemplate and hate on myself. I think I need help.
Maybe I should eat kelp.
I'm a building without any structure holding me up, like a sunken ship,
I've given up. The hardest part is starting, but I can't even flip the first page,
can't seem to identify, what my future looks like, I'm just on a stage.
Like a stage with one microphone and blank stares from a few members making a crowd,
quiet as a mouse, too scared to make any sound.
I'm always non talkative or too loud. There's no in between for me, just extremes.
So much regret and baggage I've carried around. I'm the only person who wants to block
and shut out the whole world, paint my wall my way, and turn up my sound.
Poem writing and eating are two easy solutions I've found, that somehow make the world feel
more quiet and less proud.