Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/322908-SEBASTIANS-GROVE
by Joy
Rated: E · Bulletin · Comedy · #322908
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See for yourselves. As a testimonial, we are offering the first chapter of “Wallowing in the Mud at Sebastian’s Grove” by the famed travel writer Joy Cagelybird.

“As if I was tracing after the Holy Grail, I went to Sebastian’s Grove with a quest to find out about the special diet. Sebastian’s Grove is a tiny town situated among the Appalachians, so tiny that we almost missed it when we flew over it in a helicopter, which was –and still is- the only means to get there. Since the houses with their thatched roofs were slightly larger than four-poster beds with canopies, they got lost among the thickets and the town blended in with the environment.

The fine trick of those thatched roofs was that everything fell through them. Since the roofs were closest to their natural habitat, all the pets, varmints, hamsters, mice, rats, along with bugs and other creepy crawlies lived in them. If it rained a little too much and the straw got soggy, all those animals fell in through the roofs.

During the deer-hunting season, the abundance of venison in Sebastian’s Grove amazed the hunting associations throughout the area. It shouldn’t. Since the deer kept falling through the roofs, no one ever went for deer hunting. It was always a God-sent feast there.

The kitchens stood with pride outside the houses in Sebastian’s Grove. In two steps, one managed to sample from three different kitchens, as kitchens were big kettles hung over a fire. If you are an aesthete with your senses and if you ever ate on the patio of Tavern on the Green in Central Park and was mesmerized by the scents of horses and outdoors, Sebastian’s Grove would be the perfect place to dine for you. The cuisine was truly original and adventurous, reflective of the ethnicity and environment of the place. Some five-star dishes worth mentioning had to be Venison stew with varmint, possum rollups with peppercorns, skunk-tail soup with straw, and rattlesnake ravioli. Also, that fast food place in the corner--the Road-kill Heaven--would make Burger King enthusiasts cringe with envy.

I met Darlene at Road-kill Heaven, the second day after I landed with a parachute on the Sebastian’s Grove airport. Miraculously recovering from the parachute-lag and my falling luggage on my head from the sky, I had decided to find a bite to eat, take in the sights, and get to know the people. I sat down across from her, unaware that her entire south was covering four chairs in a row. I am embarrassed to admit that, at first, I thought--like Ronald Mac Donald--she was the plastic mascot doll of the place. I was startled when she moved.

“Sorry,” I said. “Was this seat taken?”

“Relax, Hon! I can take only as much as I can cover.” She laughed. “You look like an outsider. What brings you here?”

“I came to write a travelogue. I’m trying to find out about the secrets of success of that special diet,” I said, hoping that I would find the right stranger or contact in her or through her.

“Sweetie,” she snickered, “Don’t even try. No one will give that away. I’ll show you a thing or two though, if you are game.”

I agreed to meet Darlene early next day by the Skunk Crossing Bridge.

After an itchy night in my straw bed, I got up and showered in the outhouse. The showerhead was most original, having been specially adapted from a garden hose. The icy water brought me to my senses and cooled the hot itching spots. Feeling incredibly fresh, I skipped along toward our meeting spot with my mini-corder hidden in my purse.

By the bridge, there was only one other person, a skinny girl in a green polka-dot sundress, sitting on a rock-bench and reading a book. After waiting for quite some time, I thought that Darlene had stood me up. As I turned to leave, I heard a cascading laughter.

“Hon! You’re funnier than a yowling cat in a beaver dam!”

I turned around. There was no one else except that girl in the green polka-dot dress but she was looking at me, giggling. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I neared her to take a closer look. From inside her instant figure, Darlene was making fun of me.

“What! HHHow?” I stuttered.

“The diet, Silly! This is how it works. Overnight you change from fat to thin. Or from thin to fat, if you wish. Personally speaking, I prefer yesterday’s figure. It has such an effect on the tourists...”

“It is like magic.”

“You said it. But it’s more than that. You have to acclimate to the environs for a month. Then you’ll learn the ropes in a short time. The problem is no one stays here that long.”

“If I stayed, would I be able to do what you can do?”

“Hon, if you’re that image conscious, sure. You’ll have to go through the rigors and be sworn to secrecy not to talk about “the secret”, you understand?”

Curiosity had grabbed me by the throat. I nodded in agreement....”

"The Secret" mentioned here in this excerpt is what we offer in our Exceptional Traveler’s Pass Plan as once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The devoted talents in Sebastian's Grove are ready to give you the true keys to paradise.

For Reservations and Travel Arrangements Call 1 800 666 6666
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© Copyright 2002 Joy (joycag at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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