by Spike Daft
Lord of the Rings role-playing game notes con't. Mind the language.
|My cronies and I bought that LotR game with all the models and stuff, and although we cannot eat for a week because of the money we spent on it, it's still fun. Here is my account of what happens during our games. I have omitted games one and two because of space issues, and because they're not as funny.
Lord of the Rings Role-Playing Game Journal: Scores/Notes of Middle Earth
In which the mayhem of three player’s battles against one another is documented for the amusement of...well...whoever finds it funny.
NARRATED BY SPIKE DAFT, OFFICIAL RECORDER
Please note that herein the sides of each person goes as follows: Dave-O as the evil army of goblins, the cave troll, and a Nazgul; and Liam and Spike as the Elven Army with Fladnag, stand-in for Gandalf, whom at present we cannot afford.
On to the mayhem...
Liam vs Dave-O
I got a new box Turtle, Neville. He's cuter than my men of Gondor but not as cute as the Elves, even if he *is* just a widdle baby.
Evil wins roll for first turn. Dave-O, as usual, takes forever making his move. Sounds like real life, really.
Liam reminds me of our spoof on Galadriel's little scene in Rivendell, but in place of the One Ring we substituted Sweet 'n Low:
"I must admit that my coffee has greatly desired this. Instead of plain coffee you would have it sweet, delicious and low-calorie...All will drink it and have to pee!" Etc.
Dave-O's lack of control yet again reminds us of real life.
Dave-O likes shooting at men.
Neville leaves two mutilated halves of mealworm on my carpet. I contemplate sneaking them down Dave-O's pants, but I really don't wish to go on a spelunking adventure that could result in a very unpleasant death. Not tonight. Rather, Orlando the fish gets the corpse.
First death of the battle: a little Moria goblin gets it up the heavily armoured ass.
Fladnag terrifies with his aura....a stinky aura.
The official slaughtering of goblins begins: apparently Liam offs a lesbian goblin. I don't see how he can tell.
Oh. He has "gaydar". I forget these things. I'll have to remember to paint a little rainbow on its shield.
END OF TURN ONE
Neville slaughters mealworms on my carpet.
There is a discrepancy concerning Dave-O's weekday mum, this time over whether or not she has a vagina. He asks if it is hairy like her other lips. Our lips curl in disgust.
Neville possesses a deathwish as he parks his little self beneath my shoe. Hey, even I don't know where that shoe's been.
Elf archer flies off of mountain and perishes. It's up to Liam to tastefully suggest the frat idea to these poor souls.
He tastefully suggests the frat idea. Good boy, though rather a dry presentation. "I tastefully suggest the frat idea." Kudos on the enthusiasm there, mate.
The Men of Gondor don't get to join the Elven frat, according to Liam. That's fine with me...because I hate them. Elven swordsman who bites the dust, however, is not too sore at embarking upon the afterlife. Shit, what sane Elf would be?
First Man of Gondor dies and sits by his little stocky self (...because I hate him), hoping for his comrades to join him so they can try and outdo the Elves (which, of course, isn't possible on several levels).
I wonder if Liam's nose-germs have left the tape measure by now? Either way....I don't desire to touch it.
Man of Gondor wets his pants during confrontation with goblins.
I make the lone dead Man of Gondor sit on a stain on the carpet...because I hate him. I fear this feeling of power may manifest itself permanently. Hmmm.... now I can become a communist dictator! Or Tony Blair....Or Linda Blair...
Another Moria goblin descends into death rubbing his bottom.
Two Men of Gondor bite the stained carpet, and have to sit on yet other spots. No whoopee for them....because I hate them.
Liam threatens to "squirt some proper" at Weekday Mum. Dave-O urges me to remind some readers not to masturbate at this....Weekday Mum really is quite manly.
NOTE: I didn't really want to print the aforementioned information, but Liam bribed me with a honey packet nicked from the coffee shop.
END OF TURN TWO (thank goodness...)
Stupid Dave-O gets hot and bothered about Liam's attempt at cheating with the tape measure, which is an item that I have an idea where to stick right about now....
According to Liam, Dave-O is a filthy lesbian. I knew about the filthy part...and am hurt Dave-O never told me about his other secret himself.
Three goblin arches bite the carpet on one roll. Liam is good with his dice, among other things.
Sorcerer's Butt-Blast knocks back two Moria Goblins. I know how they feel, especially when we're locked in the car with one of those Blasts.
"I'll just use a big one." -Dave-O. Heh heh.
Three are present among dead Elves. I fear for them because Neville's running round somewhere and likes to eat things off the floor. The frat, however, doesn't seem to mind.
Another Man of Gondor is banished to a spot.
Damn my dog is cute. I gave her a haircut and she's so soft and cute and she's sleeping on Dave-O's jacket and yet doesn't mind the smell, even though she can be pretty ripe hersel- oh...the game. Yes.
A discrepancy of some sort, during which Weekday Mum is yet again mentioned and I hear Liam instructing Dave-O to "take it like a man". I fear to turn round in my chair for fear of what I may witness there.
My tattoo itches. Irrelevant, but still more important than Dave-O.
"Don't interrupt me while I'm beating your ass." -Dave-O. Um.... he's on a roll tonight, but not a very good one, if you get my drift.
The Nazgul is a Nazhole. He attacks our Elves and Men but Liam confides in me that he's messed his otherworldly pants. I feel sorry for his horse.
Aaaaa! Dave-O throws a Man of Gondor into the frat! For that I throw fish food at him and hit him in the crotch. Gods bless Betta Bites. Unfortunately my fish Orlando now has to eat them....
Another Elf bites the spot. Er...carpet. Aw fuck... it's the same thing, really. The bloody carpet's just one big stain.
"Ow! That was a big one and it hurt!" -Dave-O. He's told me the same things about his weekly bowel movements.
I have to dissuade Liam from sticking the dice up his nose.
GAME STATUS: OUT OF TIME
WINNER: Dave-O, determined by amount of men still on the battlefield. Bastard.