A satirical essay on people and events in the Bible.
| The biggest enigma in the history of literature are the passages in the Judeo-Christian bible. No work has had more interpretations. Archaeological findings have not proven very helpful.
The only profound evidence that could’ve clarified these passages is the Dead Sea Scrolls. However, these treasures may not yield relevant information since many have been damaged beyond recognition. Unfortunately, most weren’t damaged from natural causes like decay and weathering, but through human error.
In fact, the most significant scroll was destroyed through human error, before it was deciphered. This scroll contained the answer to the meaning of life, along with a cure for cancer and AIDS. They left it unguarded in a museum, and some redneck walked in and mistook it for a roll of toilet paper.
Now there is little evidence to corroborate Biblical passages. We must rely on subjective interpretations. Below are modern interpretations of the most controversial people and events in the sacred scriptures.
THE DESTRUCTION OF SODOM & GOMORRAH
Before God destroyed Sodom & Gomorrah he and Abraham negotiated. God said if Abraham could find 50 righteous people he would spare the cities. God eventually promised to spare the cities for ten. Abraham couldn’t so the cities were destroyed.
Why did Abraham stop negotiating at ten? Why didn’t he negotiate it to nine or even one righteous person? Two reasons, first he just remembered his mother-in-law still lived in Sodom, and second, he recently reviewed the insurance policy on the house he just purchased in Gomorrah, which stated destruction by acts of God were covered.
ISAAC AND ABRAHAM
The Bible says God ordered Abraham to kill his son Isaac to demonstrate his loyalty, but sent an angel to stop him. God would never do such a cruel thing. Abraham’s wife divorced him, so he tried to kill Isaac because he didn’t want to make child support payments. A child services agent ran and stopped him. He was dressed in white so witnesses described him as an angel.
Abraham avoided jail time by pleading insanity, claiming God told him to do it. This story has stuck since.
MOSES TURNS HIS STAFF INTO A SERPENT
Ever wonder why Moses had that two-foot- long beard? Well, when he confronted the Pharaoh he threw down his staff, distracted him by saying there was a comet. When the Pharaoh turned his head, he kicked his staff away, pulled a snake from his beard, and threw it on the floor.
MOSES AND THE BURNING BUSH
What the hell would God be doing in a bush!? I think Moses was out in that hot sun too long.
THE LOCATION OF MOUNT SINAI
The location of the mountain where Moses received the Ten Commandments has stumped archaeologists for ages. What these people haven’t realized is that it’s right under their nose. It’s at Disneyland at the mountain which is know as the Matterhorne. The abominable snowman you see at the top of the ride is actually Moses with his white beard. Several years ago a few drunk college students as a prank climbed up to the mountain and took the two tablets containing the Ten Commandments from his hands which is why he has an angry look when you pass him by on the cart.
DID MOSES HAVE A LAW DEGREE?
He issued the Ten Commandments. You would have to assume that God would not allow anyone to issue a set of laws without the proper credentials. The only question remains is where did he obtain this degree? Since the commandments only consist of ten short sentences it’s obvious he didn’t have a thorough education in law. The U.S. Constitution and the Napoleonic codes are sets of laws that take up many pages showing the highly educated nature of the drafters.
Because Moses was traveling through the desert he could not go to a well- respected University. Instead he took correspondence courses from a college that is known today as the University of Phoenix. This college allowed him to complete his degree since it fit in well with his flexible schedule. However, the program was notorious for cutting corners and not thoroughly challenging its students.
This was also a reason why they didn’t let him into the Promised Land. The people at the gates of Jericho told him they wouldn’t allow a person to govern them who received his degree at a second- rate University. They also wouldn’t let his fellow alumnus Joshua enter the city, but fortunately for him he double majored in music. He told the trumpeters to play a tune that he composed at this college, which was so bad it knocked down the walls.
JONAH AND THE WHALE
This tale also has its origins with the Disney theme park. Jonah lived a long time ago in the Middle East. Back then, they had a very popular amusement park near the ancient city of Ur called Ur-O-Disney. Just like the current Disneyland they had a ride with a boat that went into the mouth of a large whale.
Jonah had a reputation as the town drunk. During one of his visits to the park, he drank too many mint Juleps and waded into the water, climbed onto a raft which drifted into the mouth of the whale ride which was closed down due to repairs. He soon passed out. The raft became lodged deep inside the whale.
His friends alerted security guards, who frantically searched the entire park for him. For three days, they searched, calling his name, but he was too hung over from the Juleps to answer. Finally, a malfunction in the hydraulic system of the lake caused strong currents to shoot inside the whale which finally pried the raft, shooting Jonah out of the whale to the delight of his astonished friends. One of them yelled, “Look, the whale just spat out Jonah!” For the rest of his life, Jonah enjoyed telling the story about how he spent three days in the stomach of a whale.
THE LOCATION OF THE ARK
One of the most highly debated questions in history is where is the Ark of the Covenant? A clue to where it’s at is that the possessor of it is supposed to be invincible. Therefore, it would be safe to assume it is in Cuba possessed by Fidel Castro. That would explain how he’s been able to maintain power longer than eight U.S. Presidents, despite having one of the weakest militaries in the world. He’s also using the ark as a humidor which explains why he makes such great cigars.
SAMSON KNOCKS DOWN THE PHILISTINE TEMPLE
The incident where Samson knocked down the pillars in the Philistine temple is an incredible mystery. How did he have the strength? Did it come naturally? At the risk of sounding stereotypical, I never met a Jewish person that could dead lift more than 150lbs.
The Philistines were known for throwing pretty outrageous parties. During this event all kinds of illegal narcotics flowed freely. Samson ingested some PCP, which gave him the strength to knock down the pillars.
After this tragedy the Philistines no longer threw their parties in large buildings. They instead held them in tents with exit areas clearly marked. The organizers of the event were charged with involuntary manslaughter and had to go to public schools, lecturing kids about the dangers of illegal narcotics.
THE MENORAH. A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION?
One of the most puzzling questions that biblical scholars have asked is how were the Jews able to hold their own in battle against the Philistines. The Philistines had the knowledge of forging iron. According to the Bible the Jews did not have this ability. (This fact can be easily proven. Go down to Pittsburgh to one of the steel mills there and you won’t find one Jewish person working there. For whatever reason Jews just aren’t good at forging iron.) So how then could the Jews stand up to the Philistines? If you’ll look real closely at the Menorah it has 9 holders for candles. If you could attach a knife to each one of these holders it would make a pretty lethal weapon. Since each holder was only around a feet across at most you could probably only stab three individuals, so this would not qualify it as a Weapon Of Mass Destruction. However it was likely that during a battle this weapon was launched into the air, and when it reached it’s nadir the holders with the knives which weren’t properly welded would break off hitting the enemy. (Along with Iron, the Jews were not good at forging other metals, like the material used to build Menorahs.) So theoretically this weapon could kill nine people. Since many cities back during this time consisted of around ten to twenty villagers, it would’ve had the capability to wipe out over half a village. This would then qualify the Menorah to be classified as a Weapon Of Mass Destruction. In fact this was the excuse the Babylonians, Assyrians, and Romans gave for invading Israel. In order to pass a war resolution their Presidents stood before their Senates and said that if they didn’t invade the country they could launch these Menorahs within minutes and destroy their villages.
HOW DID DAVID DEFEAT GOLIATH?
Goliath had a bad back.
THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON
Solomon was considered the wisest King in the history of Israel. According to the Bible he had 700 wives. That means he married 700 times. And this person was known for his wisdom? Can you imagine how much money he would’ve lost if half of these wives divorced him? That’s why archaeologists can’t locate King Solomon’s Mines. It doesn’t exist. His wives took all the treasure in the divorce settlements.
JESUS DRIVES OUT THE MONEY CHANGERS
The only time Jesus became violent was when he confronted the money changers. He was whipped, spat on, and crucified, and never became violent. What happened with these bankers that made him so angry?
In the temple he wanted to withdraw money. Since he didn’t have an account with this bank they charged him a withdrawal fee, plus an additional fee because he had his money in another bank.
He said, “Wait a minute, are you saying you’re charging me again on top of the regular charge because I’m withdrawing money from a bank that’s not my own?! That’s double dipping!”
He overturned the tables and threw them out, despite their offer of a high interest bearing CD.
JESUS TURNS WATER INTO WINE
If you drank a bottle of wine produced in the Middle East, I think you could understand how someone can confuse it with water. That region isn’t going to be mistaken for Bordeaux or Napa Valley.
THE ETHNICITY OF JESUS
For most of Western history Jesus was considered white. Recently African-Americans are claiming he was black. He was indeed black. That’s why he was executed. If he was white they would’ve just given him probation.
They executed him instead of Barabbas, who murdered a Roman soldier. The equivalent today of killing a police officer. All he did was say he was the son of God. I ran into someone the other day who did the same. They directed him to a shelter, and gave him a hot meal. I think Pilate asked the crowd, “Who should I release, this black man who goes around saying he’s the son of God, or this white man who murdered a Roman soldier?” The crowd yelled, “Let the white guy go!”
Some people claim Jesus was a Palestinian since he was born in that region. As a kid he used to throw rocks at the occupying Roman army. He was angry because they bulldozed a settlement of houses his father Joseph built, who was a carpenter.
THE ETHNICITY OF MOSES
Moses was definitely black. If you spend 40 years wandering through a desert you have to be black!
THE ETHNICITY OF ST. PAUL
St. Paul was on the road to Damascus and saw a vision of Jesus, which converted him. St. Paul must have been Hispanic because we always hear stories about Hispanics seeing the face of Jesus in different objects.
St. Paul’s original name was supposed to be Saul. Its possible translators misspelled his name by one letter. His real name was probably Raul. There is a lot of debate on what exactly he was doing on the road to Damascus. Some historians claim he was just looking for some aluminum cans.
THE ETHNICITY OF PETER. WAS HE A HOT HEADED ITALIAN?
Let’s face it this was a man who threw a tantrum whenever he went out to sea in a boat and caught less fish than Jesus did. Since Catholics consider him the first Pope, it would make sense since the majority of Popes have been of Italian descent. He showed the best example of his temper the night they came to arrest Jesus. The Bible says he sliced the ear off one of the arresting officers. However some historians believe the man was a delivery person from the restaurant down the street. They say he was upset because he delivered the wrong sized calzone.
THE ETHNICITY OF EVE. WAS SHE A DUMB BLONDE?
Let’s face it if there was anyone stupid enough to take the word of a talking snake over the command of God, eat an apple, thereby condemning mankind to eternal suffering it would have to be a dumb blonde.
DID JESUS HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
One of his early pranks was to walk on water and then convince Peter to do the same. When he pulled Peter up, he was spitting out salt water cursing his name. Jesus replied, “Peter, oh ye of little humor.”
He saved his best zinger for the very end. When the man who tried to give him sour wine, angrily asked why he didn’t drink, he quipped, “The wine’s not Korbel.”
WAS JESUS A SURFER?
He spent most of his life living near the sea. He had long hair, a thin build, and that white robe could’ve been an extra large beach towel. He was an expert fisherman and used the catch to make fish tacos for his surfing buddies.
Some say he didn’t walk on water, but instead was just standing on his surf board. They say he nearly drowned Peter that night trying to teach him how to body surf. One of his associates had the nickname, John the Baptist because he was such a poor instructor his students fell off their surf boards landing face first in the water.
WAS MOSES A GOLFER?
He was but not very talented. They say he once sliced a ball so far to the left he needed to part the Red Sea to retrieve it. Another ball he hit so far off it landed in a large sand bunker that looked like a desert. He had to wander around forty years to find it. After he retrieved it at the top of Mount Sinai he was angry when he saw that his followers started to worship a rival golfer that had the nickname, “The Golden Calf.” This was the ancient ancestor of golfing great Jack Nicklaus who has the nickname, “The Golden Bear.”
THE THREE WISE MEN?
Were they wise? They traveled in the dark in the poorest, crime-ridden, section of Bethlehem with a case of treasure. Then they gave it to some poor baby.
If they knew anything about social mobility they would’ve given those gifts to the Roman prince who was born at the same time in the five star hotel two blocks down the road.
A BLACK WISE MAN?
Many scholars believe one of the wise men was black. However, he was given the position through affirmative action, since at least one of the other candidates scored higher on the aptitude test. Actually he was given the position for two reasons, one because he was black, and two because most of the other candidates were afraid to travel in that region at night. They felt since he knew the neighborhood he would be more useful.
Of course, when they finally arrived at the manger and found out that some of the gold and silver meant for Jesus turned up missing, you know who they blamed.
As for the more qualified candidate who was passed over for the black Wiseman, scholars are still speculating who he was. There were reports of an Asian man going around town complaining about how he had to settle for a fellowship to do post doctoral engineering research at the University of Rome.
DID MARY AND JOSEPH HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE?
They were insured by an HMO. During the birth of Jesus, they wouldn’t pay for their hospital stay so they made them go to a barn. The insurer wouldn’t even pay for any lighting in the dark barn. They were told to rely on the illumination from the bright star hovering above. All the gold and silver the three wise men brought was used to make the co-pay.
These events were chronicled by their primary physician Luke who had to moonlight as a Gospel writer because the HMO he was affiliated with kept delaying payments. In fact there were so many complaints about the cut-throat practices of these HMOs that the Roman Empire soon abolished the practice, fearing it would give their government a bad name. It wasn’t until 2000 years later that the practice was revived under the Reagan administration.
WAS JOSEPH A DEADBEAT FATHER?
Can you blame him? Even though he wasn’t the real father of Jesus he was expected to raise him since they didn’t have DNA tests back then. Being a carpenter, he preferred to hang out with the boys at the construction site drinking beer rather than spending time with Jesus. He had a serious gambling problem. Some people believe he lost all the treasure the Wise men gave Jesus betting on the local chariot races.
One of the most controversial incidents in the New Testament is in the book of Mathew where Joseph takes Jesus and Mary to Egypt after he is warned by an angel that King Herod has issued an order to kill every child in Jerusalem two years and under. Since no other account of this event has ever been recorded except in the Gospel of Mathew, many scholars believe the event never occurred. Therefore, the question remains why did Joseph make up this story? The reason is he wanted to get off work to take a vacation in Egypt, so he told the foreman at his construction site Herod was going to kill his son. The reason why he wanted to go to Egypt is because he wanted to visit the Luxor which recently refurbished their casino. They sent him a newsletter and comped him some free hotel rooms and trips to the buffet.
THE ROMAN SOLDIER WHO GUARDED THE TOMB OF JESUS
The Roman soldier who guarded the tomb of Jesus has to be the most incompetent security guard in history. How anyone could lose track of a well built, dead,
male with long hair, cloaked in white is staggering. To add insult to injury there was a giant block of stone covering the entrance to the tomb.
The man couldn’t stand the taunts from his fellow soldiers. He resigned and migrated to Europe. Several of his descendants traveled across the Atlantic. In fact, his direct descendant is currently in charge of monitoring the metal detector at Logan Airport in the city of Boston.
CRUCIFIXION: A JOB OUTSOURCED TO TEMPORARY AGENCIES?
There has never been a more ruthless for profit entity than the Roman Empire. (With the possible exception of GM and RJR Nabisco.) Therefore when you consider the costs of paying a full-time crucifier benefits such as health insurance, vacation days, retirement benefits, holidays off, and workers compensation claims, it’s easy to see why the Romans chose to go the temp route.
This practice was even more appealing when you consider the fact that you had wild fluctuations in demand, business usually skyrocketed during Passover and declined dramatically during the summer season as criminals migrated near the ocean side resorts to prey on unsuspecting tourists.
The downside to this practice was you could never accurately predict demand so you always had to keep a few full-time experienced crucifiers around just in case there was a sudden “spike” in demand. This is where the temp to hire concept was created. If you hire someone immediately you ran the risk of hiring an incompetent worker who didn’t get along with his co-workers. In a stressful business like crucifixion, you want to find out if the candidate has a sense of humor and can work as a team.
The only good aspect of this type of work for the employee was that you received your paycheck every week instead of every two weeks. You therefore had less money taken out in taxes. In other words you rendered less to Caesar that belonged to Caesar.
DID THE BIBLE HAVE ADVERTISING SPACE?
The Bible is the best selling book ever, easily outselling Oprah’s entire book of the month club entrants combined. The publisher had to make money to offset the cost of Mr. Guttenberg’s effort.
The first set of Bibles had one advertisement. It was on the page introducing the New Testament. It said:
CONGRATULATIONS YOU CAN NOW EAT PORK!
Come to Noah’s cured bacon house!
In business since 1 A.D.
MARTIN LUTHER’S GRIEVANCES WITH THE CHURCH
Obviously, Martin Luther isn’t in the bible, but his impact on Christianity was so profound, he can’t be ignored. Luther’s conflict with the Catholic Church caused many Christians to break away, forming the Protestant Sect.
Scholars insist Luther’s disagreements with the church centered on their corrupt practices, like selling indulgences. However, after seeing portraits of this person, I conclude he had a different disagreement.
This guy had a serious weight problem. I think he broke with the church over the ritual of serving those thin wafers during mass. He instead wanted a sirloin steak with grilled mushrooms.
The 95 theses he nailed to the church walls was a menu of 95 alternate food items, all high in cholesterol. The reason they called his trial “The Diet of Worms” was because the Catholic Bishops suggested he go on a diet of eating worms to control his weight.
Church officials never threatened to burn him at the stake. They said if he would end the campaign they would invite him to dinner and burn him (cook him) a steak. Another standard that Luther introduced into the church was that all priests had to wear robes with hemlines reaching below the ankles. He pushed this law through because he didn’t want people to see his gigantic 28 inch thighs. (Previously priests wore robes so short they resembled mini skirts.)
Critics believe the main reason the Counter-Reformation became so successful was due to the excellent publicity campaign launched by the Vatican. They told parishioners the reason why they went to such extremes to sell indulgences was because they needed to hire engineers to reinforce their altars with steel bars, fearing that they would collapse if Luther stood on them to deliver a sermon. They also argued he might walk out into the audience and sit down so they had to replace their seats with ones made of cast iron.
Martin Luther was also an anti-Semite, who some historians believe through his writings created the culture in Germany for Nazism. Coincidentally a writer during that time named Al Franken wrote a book criticizing him titled, “Martin Luther Is A Big Fat Idiot.”
Everyone wonders when this final battle between good and evil will occur. Some scholars believe it never will. For the disappointed who made hotel reservations there should be some description of how this battle would appear.
But where would it take place? I think the most competitive area in our culture is professional athletics. So the event should be on a baseball field. I considered having this on a soccer field since it’s the most popular sport in the world. However, I feared the outbreak of a riot. (I have to keep this in good taste.)
So, here’s the call from the bottom of the ninth:
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a hard fought game. We have one out to go, with the bases loaded and two outs. The score’s 13-13. The count is full on King David.
Facing him on the mound is the relief pitcher, the notorious Whore of Babylon. The most feared closer in the New Testament. She has a wicked slider, if you know what I mean.
David steps in the batter’s box. In the last inning, his pitching provided miraculous results when he knocked the power hitter Goliath out of the game with a 98 MPH fastball from his sling.
Should he make contact, he faces formidable opposition. In the outfield, we have the Pharaoh and his two Generals roaming on their chariots.
At first, the Emperor Nero is playing his fiddle. During the seventh inning, he played a rendition of, “Take me out to the Ballgame,” that made the fire-sprinklers go off.
At second, King Herod nervously paces. He just had two of his assistants killed because he thought they were stealing his position. Words out he’s still after Jesus. He ordered stadium security guards to kill every man in the stadium 30 years and older. He’s definitely two candles short of a menorah.
At third, we have the traitorous Judas, who decided to join the forces of evil after they offered him a signing bonus of thirty silver pieces. And who was the manipulative weasel who brokered the deal? None other than the shortstop Jezebel who’s filing her spikes. This isn’t quite what the feminists expected when they demanded equality in sports.
David needs to drive in just one of his teammates. On first, we have the young prospect Isaac, who scored on a sacrifice fly by his father Abraham in the eighth inning. The remaining runs in that inning were scored by the Sicarii rebels of Masada on brilliant suicide squeeze plays conceived by the manager Solomon, along with his coaches, the Three Wise Men.
Presently, they’re using their cognitive powers to figure out what to do with the catcher Martin Luther, who’s lying on his back five yards away from the batters box. He ate too many stadium hot dogs and became stuck at home plate. Unable to make it back to the dugout, they had to roll him away to begin the inning.
On second, the hot-tempered Peter takes a lead. He’s spiked several opponents today with his cleats. Jesus, being the good sportsmen that he is, ran from the dugout and healed them. Sadly, all he received from these opponents were insults. Several spat chewing tobacco at him.
Solomon gives a signal to Saul of Tarsus, who represents the winning run on third. Saul is one fine prospect, but he’s having problems working with his Christian teammates. He almost came to blows with Peter in the last inning, arguing whether it’s sacrilegious to eat pork rinds in the dugout.
The whole stadium is nervous, fidgeting with anticipation. All except Lot’s wife who ignored God’s order not to watch and was turned into a pillar of salt. Vendors are using her to season the peanuts.
The Whore of Babylon winds up. Here’s the pitch! It’s a 666 mph fastball. David swings late, barely making contact. It’s a fly ball to center. Apparently, David was distracted by the billboard sign in centerfield of Bathsheba lying in a bathtub holding up a can of light beer. The Pharaoh and his cohorts converge. It looks like the final out.
Wait! From the dugout, Moses raises his arms. The turf begins to split down centerfield. He’s parted the green sea of grass, carrying the Pharaoh and his crew back to the edges. The ball lands untouched. Not bad for someone who talks to a bush!
It’s an easy jog home for Saul. Hold on. A serpent just appeared in the base path. It’s Satan. He bites Saul in the leg, sending him to the ground.
Unfortunately, God can’t intervene since he used his one-pass when he turned Lot’s wife into salt. What a shame! (Damn good peanuts though.)
The Pharaoh and his men have recovered. They’re headed towards the ball. But again, it’s Moses to the rescue! Upon lifting his arms the stadium sprinklers arise, flooding the outfield. The Egyptians are slipping and sliding!
The Whore of Babylon is furious. She’s yelling at Moses for interfering in the game. She tells him to get back in the dugout or she’ll take his staff and twist it around his neck.
Jesus runs out of the dugout to heal Saul’s bite. But before he reaches him, the catcher Caiaphas throws off his mask, accusing Jesus of blasphemy for not following league regulations by wearing sandals instead of cleats.
The umpire Pontious Pilate agrees. Jesus is condemned to the locker room. All will be lost if Saul can’t be healed. Who’s that running from the dugout? It’s the Gospel writer Luke, who is also a physician. Only one problem. He’s on his cell-phone trying to obtain permission from his HMO. They ask him the rationale for treatment. Luke explains, “To heal a life threatening bite, and save humanity from plunging into eternal darkness!” The insurer states, “Invalid reason, procedure denied.”
Luke swears out the employee, threatening to sue. The man finally relents telling Luke he’ll authorize the treatment since he hasn’t requested any services for over 2000 years. However, he tells him if the real person in charge was answering the request it would be denied, but he called in sick saying he had to go interrupt a baseball game.
Luke disinfects the wound and patches Saul up. Luke then runs over to Martin Luther giving him CPR. Luther’s having serious problems with his cardiovascular system. Being an anti-Semite he refused to eat the Hebrew National hot dogs, instead opting for the higher in fat regular ones, which clogged his arteries. Since he’s a W.A.S.P. white Anglo-Saxon protestant, he can afford a preferred provider health plan which allows Luke to give him immediate treatment.
Meanwhile, Moses and the Whore of Babylon are still arguing. She takes a baseball from her pocket and throws it at Moses just missing him by a foot. Moses falls back into the dugout. She just brushed off Moses! Moses is furious.
He charges the mound, his teammates follow. The members of the opposing side rush the mound also. Fists are flying. It’s a pier 666 brawl! Moses and the Whore of Babylon are going at it tooth and nail. In fact, I think Moses just broke off one of her nails.
Since Saul is completely, healed he can now trot home with the winning run. Wait, Satan’s not finished yet! He’s lost his venom, but now relies on his manipulative skills. He tempts Saul like he did with Jesus. He offers to make Saul the ruler of his entire kingdom.
He makes a vision of the world appear saying, “All this will be yours Saul if you just follow down my base path.” Satan then plays on his anti-Christian animosities.
Motioning to the hot-headed Peter who’s trotting past third base he says, “Here’s your chance to give it to him. Run past Peter you’ll cause the third out!” He starts walking towards the protesting Peter. Peter is screaming at him to go forward.
It doesn’t look good! Hold on, Jesus from the locker room appears as a bright light over home plate. But what can he do to persuade Saul who’s already been offered revenge and dominion over the world without.
He says, “Saul! I know why you’ve been bitter your whole life. It’s because you have the name Saul! If I had that name I’d be bitter too and take my frustrations out on a minority religious sect!” Jesus makes an offer, “If you follow down my base path I can give you a Christian name like Paul.”
“Wait a minute are saying I don’t have to have this hideous name?”
“Correct Saul, and I know you’ve been eyeing those pork rinds Peter’s been eating in that dugout.”
“You mean I’ll be able to eat pork?”
“Yes Saul that sinful delicacy can now be yours. Just don’t overdue it, or you’ll end up like Martin Luther over there. That guy’s ready for the Deal-A-Meal program.”
Saul is ecstatic! On the “Road to Home Plate” he changes his name to Paul, he runs forward, stepping on Satan’s face in the process. Look at that man run he really wants to eat pork!
In the outfield the mud-splattered Pharaoh, has risen, picking up the ball he hurls it straight for Caiaphas. Paul dives! It’s going to be close!
And......he’s safe! Game Over! The Judeo-Christians have won the pennant!!! The Judeo-Christians.....
Who’s that running onto the field!?! It’s the scorekeeper Josephus, the traitor who collaborated with the Romans during the Jewish Wars, and then wrote a history favoring his Roman masters which was notorious for omitting key facts. Waving the scorecard he claims Isaac was actually called out on strikes this inning, making it the third out! That negates the run by Paul!
Isaac, Peter, and David are furious. Kicking dirt on the historian. Paul would be angry, but he still hasn’t recovered from the euphoria of no longer having the name Saul.
Pilate looks at the scorecard, and goes by what’s on paper. There are three outs; the score is still 13-13. We’re going to extra innings! And the game goes on!
We’ll be back after this intermission. I have to go buy me some more of those great tasting peanuts!