A letter/poem to my children. I am proof that A good Mother can lose custody.
|Monica and Bill,
Let me explain something to the both of you. When you left Alaska that summer in July so many years ago, I didn't just lose my children. I lost my soul, my sanity, and the majority of my heart. You begged me to let you fly to Georgia to visit your father before our divorce was final. Who would have thought he would never send you back to me? During the long drawn out custody battle, I could not continue to see the pain on your faces. Every time you were called to the witness stand, my heart went out to you. To this day I still cannot write about this experience without the tears streaming down my face. The keys are blurry, because of the tears, but I have four pages in front of me that are the makings of a poem. As you know by your visit last summer, this is the only way I feel I can express myself, so that you can grasp exactly what I’m trying to say to you. I jotted these feelings down on these four sheets of paper, but have never been able to look at them. Because to look at them brings great pain. I have to relive those awful times when I thought I would die from a broken heart. Sometimes in life, we must finish something that we started, whether we want to or feel that we cannot. This is that kind of moment. Bringing you both here last summer has healed a lot of the pain that the three of us feel, over the time we all lost each other. It will never totally heal, but we can diminish the pain by looking to the future and never letting anything or anyone ever keep us apart again. I love the both of you more than you could ever imagine. My heart breaks at the thought of the years I missed and if I had to do it all over again, I would have done something different. Unfortunately we can’t predict the future or know what consequences lie in our actions. All I know is I love you with all my heart. Here is the poem that after ten years I've decided to arrange, on those four sheets of paper so many years ago.
I have tremendous words to say to you, but where do I begin
I hope you don't feel the pain I do, I couldn't function then.
It’s most important that you know, just what I feel for you
You’re the Ocean’s breeze, my breath of life, and calm in the sky of blue.
The music of an ice cream truck echoes through my mind
As I'm looking in a department store for clothes I'll never find.
For I don’t know what size you wear or what you like at all
So what in the world am I doing, walking in this mall
Every child's face I look in always turns into you
I look in to the toy department, but I haven't got a clue
For I don't know what you like or what games you like to play
Confusion and distance is the price I have to pay.
I walk out empty handed as the tears come streaming down
Mothers walk with their children hand in hand, but mine are not around
It's Easter day, celebration is near, and here comes the big parade
With no Easter basket for me to fill, very quickly my smile will fade
Everyday I tell myself that I just can't go on without you
But with every night there comes a dawn and somehow I always do
My life is now a punishment, without taste or flavor
Will time continue to destroy me or will it be my savior
The dreams I had for now are gone, but my dreams still are wished
There's nothing that will ever replace the birthday parties I missed
The tears I cry for you each day could surely fill a cup
With all my heart to you I say I NEVER gave you up!
To those that can easily criticize, you've never walked in my shoes
For nothing in this world can replace a child you've had to lose
This poem has been the second hardest thing that I have ever done
The first will always be when I lost my daughter and my son
I didn't send this to you to make you sad. As I said before It's something that I started and never finished. I just wanted to let you know all those years we’ve been apart, I have loved and thought of you and kept you in my heart. Now that your older and can make your own decisions, please continue to include me in your life by knowing how much I love you and continue to spend the summers in Alaska with your family that loves you as much as I do.
ALL MY LOVE, FOREVER