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Rated: E · Article · Cultural · #538572
It's sarcastic. Do not read unless you have sense of humor.
Smoking Out Obesity

The fitness center was unusually empty as I began 20 minutes of cardiovascular biking. Almost instantly who should appear next to me but a roly-poly gentleman grunting away as he struggled to pedal. He was a blimp. His girth ballooned out, over and around the bike attacking my personal space. I watched - I had no choice since we both faced mirrored walls – as perspiration built over his brow and worked its way down his rotund frame drenching the football jersey draping this elephantine creature. It was disgusting – couldn’t something be done about it?

The airlines are doing something about it. Fat people now pay for two seats. Those of us who are the ideal weight, or somewhere in the ballpark, no longer have to sit there having anxiety attacks as fatties - now 60% of the population - barge down the aisle, we hoping they are not headed for the seat next to us. When the big guy ends up at our elbow, we cringe as he force fits himself into the seat. We fear he may explode, ala the Hindenburg, a calamity that would certainly ruin our day. Forget about the armrest – his whole being surrounds it. Thank goodness the airlines do not serve food anymore – watching behemoths inhale a meal makes a strong case for anorexia. My solution - head for the nearest empty seat.

So far, I haven’t mentioned that I smoke, for good reason. You might think me less socially unacceptable. So, I make my case before your biases get in the way. We smokers have been outnumbered, surrounded and corralled for going on 20 years. First, we were penned into smoking rooms and that was before whole buildings went off limits. It was the right thing to do. Why subject others to this dirty habit? Now we do it alone or near others who are puffing away. Sometimes we do it walking down city streets knowing that the odds are we will not come upon anyone who knows us. Even then, kids we don’t even know come up and say, “That’s not good for you.” What snots! Do these young snips ever greet the big guy with a line like “How about Weight Watchers so you can lose 100 pounds?” I don’t think so, but now it is fair game to hit on fat slobs.

Weary is the smoker who lives with a fatty. She was always on one diet or another – I was the one who lost the weight. She took her shots with comments like “You know you gotta quit that smoking.” She knew all the statistics, all the odds, all the ways it was gonna kill me. Now we have fatality odds on fat people. It’s real bad for them. More than that, it’s a drag on society as porkers run up medical bills well beyond the norm. In fairness, I would like to see more data on this one because, once it kills them, there are no more bills. Risks aside, it is incontrovertible that fat people take more space – my space.

As our next step toward tidying up the environment, let’s go after obesity with a vengeance. Beyond obesity, there are any number of vices we can attack. With the help of the Internet, we can define them, prioritize them, expose them, criticize them and weed them out. Once we zero in on one, it won’t stand a chance. Vices will fall like dominos. Former smokers and the newly svelte will ban together and lead the way. Or will they? Will they instead realize that there is no end to human weaknesses that we might ban? Will they instead realize that some of us enjoy our weaknesses? Will they instead realize how sad we might all be without a few holes in our program?


With all that is going on in the world, it may be difficult to see the humor in this piece. Hey, I value your inputs - please R & R.

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