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Rated: 13+ · Short Story · Comedy · #572304
You can take it with you.

There I was caught in a funeral procession listening to NPR examine the growing shortage of golf course sites. A line of cars passed by me through cast iron gates into a smallish cemetery surrounded by industrial buildings, which sparked a novel idea: why not merge cemeteries with golf courses?

Both cemeteries and golf courses have commonality. They chew up gobs of space, suburban space we are running out of, large sprawling spaces with hills, vales and vistas, peaceful spaces that inspire. Sometimes I mistake a cemetery for a golf course or vice-versa.

Make cemeteries and golf courses one in the same. Call the places a Golfetery. (And add the word to the dictionary.) Calling them a Cemecourse could be misinterpreted as a newfangled form of human interaction. Golfetery is better. The word “lie” would now refer to the golfer’s ball or to the deceased.

Look at the possibilities as out-of-this-world; bury any challenges. Wide varieties of burial sites are available on a golf course. Fairways are prime spots. Closer to the hole costs more; greens are primo. Want a headstone? Put these plots are in the rough or in the woods. Want your ashes spread? Hey, azaleas lining the course need fertilizer.

Golfers often have challenging lies. When they land on a grave marker, move the ball back to a thick, lush patch of grass. Too many markers? An Astroturf covering here and there would solve that one. And it is not fair to use mausoleums for bank shots? C’mon guys, rules is rules.

What golfer would not want to sign up for a package deal, like the “Play and Lay” pact, for those who prefer “fun to the sun” or “families that play together…” adventures. Golfers who live close to their courses will minimize commute time. Their final trip will be a short one.

Loved ones will come to understand that, unless services are held in the dark of night or on rain days, they must be vigilant for the cry of “fore”, not a call from on high, but an errant golfer yelling in their direction. Get out the way. Better yet, combine a round of golf with your visit to minimize congestion.

“Clubhouse” will give new meaning to the word “multi-use”, but let’s not go there; we have gone far enough. The Japanese will figure it out when they pick up on this idea.

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