A short parody of the Lord of the Rings
The Fellowship Of The Wing
Inside the smoke filled room of the Prancing Phony, Ono sat at a small corner table with his friends, Hairy, Sippin, and DamnFlies.
“They have great beer here,” said Sippin. “Aren’t you going to try some, Hairy?”
“Naw, I can’t drink while Ono is looking so depressed,” Hairy said, combing his very furry feet. “Look at ‘im. He looks as if he’s carrying the weight of the world upon his shoulders.”
“Suit yourself,” said Sippin, throwing back another big slug, “more for me.”
“Master Ono is on a secret mission,” DamnFlies said angrily to them. He swatted at the large swarm of flies buzzing around his head. “This is no Robbit picnic we’re on, you know. We’re supposed to be looking for the great wizard, Randolph. He said we were to meet him here.”
“Don’t look now,” said Sippin between gulps of beer, “but there’s some guy hiding in the shadows over there. He keeps staring at us.”
“Where?” asked Ono, coming out of his thought-trance. “I can’t see anyone.”
“Oh, well, he was there a second ago,” said Sippin. “Can I have your beer, Ono? I’m feeling awfully thirsty right now.”
“Sure, go ahead,” said Ono, staring toward the corner of the room. “I, too, have this feeling of being watched. Oh, DamnFlies, I wish Randolph were here.”
“Oh, no!” yelled DamnFlies.
“What...?” asked Ono. “Did you call me?”
“No, but look at Sippin! He’s drinking with the humans,” he said, slapping the side of his face and killing a couple of flies. “I’ve seen him get like this before. He’ll blab everything for sure.”
Ono glanced at the bar where Sippin was laughing and talking it up with the human folk. “We’ve got to shut him up,” Ono said. “I’ll get him.”
As Ono stood and moved toward the bar, he carelessly felt in his front pocket for the chicken wing. He usually kept it around his neck on a chain of gold, but since they were almost discovered on the road earlier, he took to keeping it in his pocket. He felt an overpowering urge to slip it into his mouth. The feel of it, as he wrapped his hand around the greasy wing, was warm and soothing to the touch. He knew that if he gave in to the pangs of hunger for the thing, that he would bite down on it, and become almost entirely invisible. (Except for his feet and hands, and sometimes his pudgy belly. Well, really... he didn’t become invisible at all, but it felt like it when the One Wing was used.)
Ono remembered what the wizard, Randolph had told him. “You must not give in to the urge of The Wing. It calls out to be found! Once you start gnawing on it, the Evil Guy will be able to see where it is hidden, and then none will be safe in all the land.”
“Ono,” said Sippin, drunkenly, as Ono approached. “Tell these kind gentlemen about the dark riders we met out on the road today. They don’t believe me.”
“Sippin, you’ve had too much to drink,” said Ono, as he tried to lead Sippin back to the table. “Are you making up crazy stories again?” As he turned, Ono’s foot caught on a small stool. He tripped and fell. Unconsciously, he stuck the Wing into his mouth.
The magic of the Wing took over, and Ono became...almost invisible. His senses were immediately heightened and he could smell fried chicken everywhere. Amid the absolute quiet of the Inn, he made a mad rush for the stairs leading to his room. He thought he caught a glimpse of someone hiding in the corner. Whoever it was, had seen him use the Wing. Everything seemed to be going wrong. First the riders almost catching them, then no Randolph here at the Inn, and now this. He hurried up the stairs. Ono didn’t remove the Wing until he was safely locked behind the door to his room.
“I thought you were to remain quiet and out of sight,” came a voice from behind him. Ono twirled around and found himself looking at the point of a sword.
“I did not see you,” said Ono, startled. “Who are you? And why are you in my room?”
“Are you scared?” the man asked. “There are scarier things than me hunting you this night.”
“How did you get in here?” asked Ono, backing away.
“You did not see me because I was hiding,” said the tall human, arrogantly. “My name is Hider, and I’ve been sent by a mutual friend to aid you in your quest.”
Just then, the door burst open and Hairy, Sippin and DamnFlies came charging into the room. They stopped short when the tip of Hider’s sword quickly swung in their direction.
“If you harm one hair on Master Ono’s head, you’ll have us to deal with,” threatened DamnFlies.
“Bravely said,” replied Hider, as he sheathed his sword. “You’ll need your courage before this night is through. Evil is abroad, and it hunts you, Ono Saggins. They are drawn to the One Wing and will not stop until they have it. They are called...the Nauseated. The Nine Kings of mortal men bent to the will of the Evil Guy by the Nine Wings which they chew upon. Riders, all in black, sniffing the air for the One Wing.”
“Oh, no!” said Hairy.
“What, Hairy? Did you call me?” asked Ono.
“No, but I was thinking about the dark riders that were chasing us earlier today,” said Hairy. “They must have been the Nauseated.”
“They know you are here,” Hider said. “We must leave with all haste to meet with Elwood.”
“The leader of the Elves?” asked DamnFlies.
Hider smiled at him. “Yes, my brave fellow, the leader of the Elves and more - much more. His domain can not be entered by the Nauseated, and we’re sure to find great help from his wise council.”
“But we’re to meet the wizard, Randolph, here,” said Ono. “We cannot leave without him.”
“Randolph has sent me to guide you,” said Hider. “We must leave now! Hurry!” He pushed them out the door with their baggage and down the stairs to the basement. It was damp and cold. The Robbits complained whole-heartedly, but Hider threw their blankets on the floor. “Sleep while you can. I’ll be hiding over here and will keep watch.” Hider sat in front of a small basement window, watching the street outside. No one would think to look for them here, he thought.
The dark riders entered the town of Flee and rode straight for the Prancing Phony. They were shrouded in black cloaks and their horses were as black as the night (except one, which was more of an evening shade color). They dismounted, and then entered the little Inn with their swords drawn.
One carried a small bag that he kept barfing into from time to time. Every so often the bag would be passed around and the sounds of retching could be heard throughout the Prancing Phony. The Nauseated quietly entered the room of the Robbits. Several beds could be seen filled with unsuspecting sound sleepers. They stood above the beds with their swords poised for the killing thrust. A regurgitating signal was given by their Leader, and then they all began stabbing the occupants in the beds.
DamnFlies suddenly awoke, startled. A high pitched scream could be heard in the rooms above and the sounds of heaving soon followed. All the Robbits sat up in their beds, eyes wide with fear. “What is it, Hider?” asked Ono. “What unearthly creature could make such a sound?”
“Sippin sounded like that once after a long night’s drunk,” said Hairy.
“It is the Nauseated," Hider explained. "They have discovered that their prey has eluded them. They’re very sick about the whole thing. Hurry, we must slip into the forest and away from this place while we still have the chance.”
They quickly put their things together, climbed out the small window, and then tip-toed into the forest. It wasn’t long before they were tearing through the woods at break-neck speeds. They were soon miles from the town and followed Hider up into the foothills without question.
“How do you know we can trust this hide-and-go-seek guy?” asked DamnFlies, walking next to Ono. "He might just want the Wing for himself.
“He knows Randolph,” Ono whispered back. “Besides, he saved us once already.”
“I just want to go back to the Mire, Master Ono, that's all,” whined DamnFlies.
"I know, Damn," Ono said warmly.
“It's the flies out here, Master Ono...they're really big, not like the ones back home. These are kind of scary looking and bite something terrible.”
“Once we reach, Elvensmell” said Ono solemnly, “I plan on giving the One Wing to Elwood. Then we can go home, DamnFlies. How’s that sound to you?”
“That sounds wonderful - just wonderful!”
“Now, do you think you could get back at the end of the line, please. Those pesky flies of yours are starting to drive me crazy. They, too, can smell the Wing...and they keep trying to eat it!”
They traveled most of the day without stopping. Finally...they stopped.
“We must reach Weatherman Top before nightfall,” yelled Hider to the worn-out Robbits. "Keep moving!" So they crawled to their feet and started walking again. Hider took another twenty steps, and then stopped. “This is it,” he said, “Weatherman Top.”
“But it bloody well looks just like the place we stopped at the first time,” complained Sippin.
“No it doesn’t,” said Hider, smugly.
“Yes...it does!” shouted Sippin. “What’s different about it, then?”
“Well...uh, there’s a pile of rocks over there,” Hider said defensively, pointing to a small stack of stones.
“He’s right, you know, Sippin,” said Ono. “That pile of rocks was not visible twenty steps away.”
“Okay, okay, okay...” said Sippin, plopping down on the cold wet grass. "I'm bushed."
“You three look around for some wood,” said Hider. “We’ll need plenty of it to get through the night.”
“But there’s not a tree for miles around,” said Hairy. “It’s nothing but rolling hills of grass. Just where do you think we’re gonna find any wood?”
“Well, there may have been some trees around here earlier,” said Hider with a scowl. “Spread out and look for it!”
Sippin, Hairy, and DamnFlies began walking around searching for wood in the grass. Hairy scratched his shaggy chin in puzzlement, while Sippin, with arms crossed, just kept shaking his head in frustration. "There's no wood around here," he mumbled. But DamnFlies had already found a stick, which he took as a promising sign.
“Wasn’t Randolph going to meet us here?” asked Ono, when he and Hider were alone.
“He may have been here, but had to leave in a hurry,” Hider said, searching the ground for clues. He walked over to the pile of stones and removed the top rock. Feeling under it, he soon discovered what he was looking for. “Ah-ha!” he said. “See here, Ono. Randolph was here, after all! He’s left a small sign under this rock.”
“What is it?” asked Ono. “A message?”
“Well...no, not exactly” said Hider sheepishly.
“Scratches in the rock, perhaps?”
“No...not that either, Ono. It’s a...it’s a booger!”
“A booger? Randolph left us a booger?”
“Well...yes," Hider beamed. "It’s still fresh, though. He must have been here just last night!”
“How do you know that Randolph would put a booger under that rock, then?” asked Ono, totally unconvinced.
“Well...who else would do such a thing?” Hider laughed. “Randolph is a very meticulous wizard.”
“Yeah, I know, but...”
Ono was cut off by the three Robbits returning with armfuls of wood. “There’s plenty more out there,” said DamnFlies. “You just gotta know where to look for it.”
A nice warm fire was soon set up. The four Robbits with Hider, sat about the fire eating their meager meal and softly talking about better times they had all had.
“Tell us of Elvensmell, Hider,” asked Ono, "and the elves that live there. They say it is the fairest place in all the land.”
“Aye, ‘tis true, little ones. There is one who lives there that is beyond beauty to compare.”
“A sweetheart?” asked DamnFlies.
Hider nodded his head in acknowledgment. Closing his eyes, he began to softly sing.
“The leaves were long, the grass was green
the hills were all covered in dew...
Alone was I, hiding unseen,
‘til she said ‘ Ah-ha, I see you...!’
Stony mountains, cold and gray
traveled by oh so few
hide-and-seek was a game I played
‘til she said ‘Ah-ha, I see you...!’
Immortal maiden, elven-wise
she walks without a shoe
I long to hear her say once more
Ah-ha, I see you...!”
The Robbits gazed at Hider. It seemed that he was learned in old lore, as well as the ways of the wild.
“Who is she?” asked DamnFlies, after Hider had finished. “What is her name?”
“She is the love of my life, DamnFlies,” he said, dreamily. “She is Elwood’s daughter, Thumbthimble, the most beautiful elf in all the land.”
The fire began to burn down. “I will go collect some more wood from the grass,” said Hider, standing up and stretching. “Stay close to the fire until I return.”
The Robbits sat close to one another. The cold night air chilled them to the bone. Even the fire could not keep them warm.
“Hush!” whispered Sippin. “I thought I heard something.”
They all strained their eyes to see into the surrounding dark. A tall shadow rose up from the hill side, then another, and another. There were four in all standing there watching the Robbits. Sippin and Hairy fell flat to the ground, trying to hide. DamnFlies hurried to Ono’s side. The shadows approached them.
Ono had a great temptation to use the Wing. He fought it off and instead reached for his sword.
“Oh, no,” cried out Hairy.
“What, Hairy? Did you call me?” asked a frightened Ono.
“No, it’s the Nauseated! We’re being attacked!”
The three Robbits pulled out their small blades and formed a circle around Ono. The Nauseated advanced, quickly moving around the fire toward them.
Ono could not resist any longer. The urge to use the One Wing was too great. He slipped it into his mouth.
At that moment, he saw the Nauseated for what they really were, fat little balding men with short goatees. They reminded him of Col. Sanders.
The Nauseated, drawn to the Wing, immediately attacked. Ono brandished his sword, and it shone fiery red. Three of the dark ones stopped when they saw it, but the Leader, rushed forward and came down upon Ono reaching for the Wing. Ono stabbed out with his weapon and skewered the dark rider’s foot. A terrible scream was heard, then Ono felt an icy blade pierce his shoulder. He looked up in time to see Hider swinging flaming brands of wood from the fire.
Hider spun the wood through the air juggling three, then four burning pieces at one time. (He was very good.)
The Nauseated were hypnotized by his actions, and dropping their swords, began applauding wildly. Among the “ooo’s” and “ahhh’s” of the captive audience, Hider tossed one fire brand high into the sky, and as his crowd looked up, he flung the remaining pieces into their faces. They ran screaming down the hill engulfed in flames. They reminded him of stick matches with legs running hurdy-gurdy across the countryside, while whacking and hitting at themselves in a feeble attempt to extinguish the flames.
Ono removed the Wing and tightly clutched it in his hand. He watched a single drop of grease slip between his fingers and fall upon the cold hard ground, and then blacked out.