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Rated: 13+ · Article · Fantasy · #651007
Ever tried reading LOTR? It's pretty long! Here is the answer! Short and funny! Enjoy!
BOOK THREE: THE RETURN OF THE KING

Continued from "LOTR in 30 Minutes! --FOTR and TTT Disclaimer also in that part.
I don't mean to offend anyone by this, it's just a bit of fun!

SCENE 1: THE ROAD TO GONDOR

[GANDALF and PIPPIN are riding along a big piece of grassland heading to Gondor.]

PIPPIN: Where are we?
GANDALF: Gondor.
PIPPIN: Look, fires!
GANDALF: Long has it- oh bother they?e just beacons you silly hobbit, now go back to sleep before Ihe Great Hall. DENETHOR is sitting on his throne.]

DENETHOR: Who is entering the presence of the Ki- ah, Steward?
GANDALF: It is I... umm... oh yeah! Gandalf the Grey- I mean White! And this is Peregrin Took, of the Shire.
PIPPIN: Pleased to meet you.

[A guard passes the door. PIPPIN sees and is impressed.]

PIPPIN: Ooooo, snappy uniforms! Chicks dig guys in uniform! Can I have one?
DENETHOR: Only if you swear alleigance to me.... and Gondor.
PIPPIN: Is that all? Okay. I hereby promise to do as I obey the King of Gondor. Now can I have a uniform?
DENETHOR: First, tell me about the Fellowship. Was Boromir brave and noble and good?
PIPPIN: Yep.
DENETHOR: Oh good. Soooo... what is Isildur? Bane, who is the halfling, and what? with this Aragorn guy?
PIPPIN: [Opens his mouth, GANDALF nudges him, he shuts his mouth.] Not telling.
DENETHOR: I see Gandlaf has told you not to tell. Well, that? a shame. Now you don? get boots with your uniform.
PIPPIN: [scowls] AWWW! GANDALF! ITf in the shins and stomps off.]
GANDALF: [rubbing shin] But Hobbits don? wear boots!

SCENE 2: RIDERS OF ROHAN

[MERRY, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, THEODEN, EOWYN and EOMER in hall. MERRY is still suking.]

THEODEN: So what are you going to do now, Aragorn?
ARAGORN: I will take the Paths of the Dead. Legolas and Gimli will join me.
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: We will?
THEODEN: Well, me and Eomer are going to ride to Gondor.
MERRY: No one ever picks me. I I. [he stands. MERRY jumps up.]
MERRY: Please can I come?
THEODEN: You aren? a Knight of Rohan.
MERRY: Then I hereby promise to do as It of breath. He stands and looks around, then brandishes Sting and runs at the tower, free hand over his eyes and sword waving madly.]

SAM: Iere are you?
FRODO [from above]: Up here!
SAM: Oh!

[SAM climbs up ladder and sticks his head up. Camera from below.]

SAM: Mr. Frodo? Mr. Frodo! There you are! Bless your cotton socks, you?e- NAKED! ARG!
FRODO: SAAAM! Don? look!

[SAM turns and climbs back down, one hand over eyes.]

SAM: [to camera] Nothing to see here, move along, come on.

[Pushes camera away. CAMERA PERSON strains for a glimpse of naked FRODO. SAM puts his hand over the lense.]

SAM: Come on, move it!

[CAMERA PERSON falls over. SAM immediately sorry.]

SAM: Oh, I didn? mean to push you over, Iurry, you understand...
CAMERA PERSON: Oh, yep yep, sure, absolutely. Nice meeting you, Sam! [they shake hands.]
SAMand FRODO: Bye!

[they wave and go off down the stairs. Silence. CAMERA PERSON sighs. ?ell then.?Suddenly FRODO dashes back.]

FRODO: Sorry, forgot something.
SAM: Oh no, I?e got it, don? worry.
FRODO: [stiffens, then goes mental.] Give it to meee, It? MINE! etc

[SAM runs away, crying 'Don't kill me, Mr. Frodo!' until finally silence again. CAMERA PERSON turns camera to self.]
CAMERA PERSON: See that? [points to eye] That? fear, right there.

SCENE 4: GONDOR

[PIPPIN walks out of his house wearing new uniform, looking happy. Glances at bare feet, and sighs with regret.]

PIPPIN: I could have had lovely new boots on my feet right now, if it weren? for Gandalf. I wish Merry was here to help me sort him out.

[BEREGOND walks up]

BEREGOND: Hi, Inever before defeated by the armies of Darkness. Note the fine old structure of it, and the intricate dwarven archetecture. Now, just below me on my right, is the barracks, and just below that the Mess Hall, where you can get a delicious slap-up meal for absolutely free if you?e a guard. Now to my left is the monument to Isildur...

[PIPPIN? face brightens and the word e nature of the horses, emphasised by regular training. Next to that is... [he moves off, still blahing.]

SCENE 5: ROHAN

[Many soldiers ready to leave. A strangely familiar soldier sits at the side. MERRY comes out to watch and sulk.]

MERRY: I wish I could go. It? not fair.
DERNHELM: You [clears throat and lowers voice dramatically] could ride with me.
MERRY: Really? Awesome! [MERRY runs off to get his stuff. Returns with many piles of stuff.] Okay, Iough.

[scrambles on horse. DERNHELM sighs and shakes his head.]

DERNHELM: I am Dernhelm.
MERRY: Itime LEFT is said, the left foot should be down. At RIGHT, the right foot. At WHOOPSEE-DAISY, you do a funny hop-skip thing and change legs for RIGHT.]

SCENE 6: MORDOR

[SAM and FRODO walking along tiredly. Suddenly from behind marches a band of ORCS.]

ORCS: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-....
ORC LEADER: HEY! You two! Get back in line! [shoves SAM and FRODO in line. They have no choice but to march. FRODO nearly falls over with fatigue. SAM helps him carry on.]
LEADER: We?e going on an Elf hunt
ORCS: We?e going on an Elf hunt
LEADER: We?e going to catch a BIG one!
ORCS: We?e going to catch a BIG one!
LEADER: Iey are ?crishing and GANDALF: [pouncing on words.] ANOTHER ONE???
FARAMIR: Yeah, I met these other two the other day. I let them go, although they were headed up Cirith Ungol way. That? a bad neighborhood.
DENETHOR: You LET THEM GO????
GANDALF: Thank goodness you were always the sensible good son.
FARAMIR: Actually, Frodo did say something about that. Stars some guy called-
PIPPIN: Lemme guess. Elijah Wood? Yeah, he? fed us that line too. Man, does he go ON about it! Elijah Wood is cool, Elijah Wood is awesome, Elijah Wood is talented. He? obsessed! Besides, everybody knows Billy Boyd is better.
FARAMIR, DENETHOR, GANDALF: He is not! David Wenham / John Noble / Sir Ian McKellan is!
PIPPIN: [shakes head.] Nope, sorry, you?e wrong.
FARAMIR, DENETHOR, GANDALF: Are not!
PIPPIN: Are too!

[This carries on until PIPPIN kicks GANDALF again. Then a SINGING MESSENGER GIRL arrives.]

SINGING MESSENGER GIRL: Ahem! Singing and dancing telegram from Rohan! [begins to sing and dance, with lots of high kicks and not a lot of tune.] Dominic Monaghan is the best, is the beeeest oooooooo yeeah! Dominic Monaghan beeeeats the reeest beats the reeeeest oooooooo yeah! Billy Boyd is coooooool toooooo!!! Taadaa! {she exits, much the relief of the watchers.]

PIPPIN: Hah hah! See!
[FARAMIR, DENETHOR, GANDALF pout]

SCENE 8: PATHS OF THE DEAD

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI and RANGERS head towards gate. GIMLI is strutting along, but then just as they?e about to enter, he gets the jitters and makes a suddenly dash for it. LEGOLAS and ARAGORN grab him by the arms and drag him in, kicking and screaming.]

SCENE 9: GONDOR

[PIPPIN and BEREGIND sitting outside. SINGING MESSENGER GIRL approaches.]

SINGING MESSENGER GIRL: Hi! Singing telegram for Peregrin Took!
PIPPIN: Yeah, that? me.
SINGING MESSENGER GIRL: Okay! [breaks into an enthusiastic rendition of ?ey Mickey?only its ?ey Pippin?]
PIPPIN: Thank you, go away now. [SINGING MESSENGER GIRL exits.]

[Trumpets. FARAMIR is brought in, looking sick.]

FARAMIR: Urg. I have been shot with a poisoned dart!
BEREGOND: Oh no! Faramir, my lord!
PIPPIN: Oh dear, Faramir! [SINGING MESSENGER GIRL taps PIPPIN on the shoulder.]
PIPPIN: What? Can? you see Irs! CHARGE!!!! [ROHIRRIM charge ORCS. Battle ensues. Very Dramatic.]

SCENE 11: MORDOR

[FRODO and SAM both tired and weary and thirsty. FRODO sighs and sits down.]

FRODO: How much furthur must we go on?
SAM: Not much furthur, Mr. Frodo, look, it? not far away. [Points at sigh which reads ne on a litter behind him. He looks crazy.]

DENETHOR: [tearing at hair] Oh woe is me! Woe! Woe! The end of the World is Nigh!
PIPPIN: What? up with you? Is Faramir dead?
DENETHOR: Yes.
FARAMIR: IIPPIN runs off, bumps into BEREGOND.]

BEREGOND: What? wrong? Is Faramir dead?
PIPPIN: No! He? not! Denethor? gone mad!
BEREGOND: What?
PIPPIN: You?e gotta save Faramir!
BEREGOND: Okahay!

[BEREGOND runs one way, PIPPIN the other. They reappear running back the other way. SINGING MESSENGER GIRL appears running after PIPPIN. PIPPIN runs up to GANDALF]

PIPPIN: Gandalf!
GANDALF: What? Oh, it? you. Iooks towards battlefield, then up at the Citadel, back and forth, making little squeaky noises of uncertainty. Finally makes up his mind.] FINE! Ing horribly. Finally dies down. GANDALF starts trying to talk. Unfortunately, DENETHOR? screaming keeps cutting him off. Just when they think he? finally dead, he starts up again. Finally Gandalf kicks the door.]

GANDALF: Look, shut up! It says right here in the book that you never make another sound, okay? So shut up!
DENETHOR: ..... spoilsport.
GANDALF: Right! Lets go!

[Just before they leave, SINGING MESSENGER GIRL sneaks up on PIPPIN, then breaks into a loud rendition of ?ero? PIPPIN jumps and screams and runs away, SINGING MESSENGER GIRL right behind. GANDALF and BEREGOND glance at each other.]

GANDALF: Oooookaaay.

SCENE 13: THE BATTLE OF THE PELLINOR FIELDS: PART B

THEODEN: Tarran-tarra! I am the king! I will smite my enemies! I kill loads of orcs- Aaah!

[His horse falls over on top of him as RINGWRAITH #1 flies in.]

THEODEN: I?e fallen and I can? get up!

[DERNHELM rides in with MERRY, who looks very scared and small.]

DERNHELM: Begone foul beast!

[RINGWRAITH #1 cracks up laughing at DERNHELM]

RINGWRAITH #1: Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? ooooh, look at me the the mighty and powerful man! [laughs more.]
DERNHELM: Laugh all you want, for I am- A WOMAN! [pulls off helmet dramatically.]
RINGWRAITH #1: [Suddenly afraid.] Oh. [Yells as MERRY stabs him in the knee.] That hurt! [EOWYN stabs him too.] That hurt more! [EOWYN rips the head off the beast. RINGWRAITH #1 starts wailing.] Oh! Oh! I] Oh, uncle, I have avenged you-

[RINGWRAITH #1 totters back saying things like, ? can see my life flashing before my eyes... It? going dark....?

EOWYN: [Trying to continue and ignore RINGWRAITH #1] Oh, uncle, I love you, and soon I shall join you... Sorry, Eomer, I will miss you- SHUT UP!! You?e RUINING my BIG SCENE!! [stabs RINGWRAITH #1 in the head.] Oh, farewell, cruel world, I shall miss thee... [faints elegantly. RINGWRAITH #1still running around wailing.]
MERRY: Oh give over. [trips RINGWRAITH #1 who flails about for a it before lying still twitching violently.]

SCENE 14: THE COMING OF ARAGORN

[Battle. Some ships sail up. Shot of orcs cheering. Shot of ARAGORN on ship. Shot of ORCS screaming. Shot of men cheering. GANDALF come out.]

GANDALF: Aragorn! IGWRAITH #1 still twitching.]

ARAGORN: Oh no! Eowyn!

[EOMER rides up.]

EOMER: My sister! What? she doing here?
GANDALF: She has saved us all from a terrible fate. She is a hero.
EOMER: Oh Good.

[They lift her and carry her away. MERRY totters behind, finally getting lost and falling over. He is left alone. Hands help him up.]

PIPPIN: Hello, Merry, my lad! I?e found you at last.
MERRY: Are you going to bury me?
PIPPIN: Indeed yes. Naaah, just kidding. Or am I? Yeah, I am. Or am I?
MERRY: Shut up.

[PIPPIN helps MERRY along until he can? go any furthur. Then he sits down with MERRY? head in his lap. SINGING MESSENGER GIRL sneaks up on him, singing ?, we need to get Merry up to the Houses of Healing.

[He picks up MERRY, PIPPIN follows closely, very scared of SINGING MESSENGER GIRL]

SCENE 15: HOUSES OF HEALING

[EOWYN, FARAMIR and MERRY in beds. PIPPIN and BEREGOND standing guard at the door. ARAGORN and GANDALF enter. PIPPIN jumps forward.]

PIPPIN: Aragorn! Fantastic! I knew it was you, but everyone kept running around yelling about Pirates and wouldn? listen. How are you?
ARAGORN: Fine, thanks. And you?
PIPPIN: Great!
BEREGOND: Can we heal Faramir now?
ARAGORN: Okay.

[ARAGORN walks over to FARAMIR.]

ARAGORN: Here? some Athelas I prepared earlier!

[Drops 2 leaves into a bowl of water, Everyone breathes deeply, smiling.]

ARAGORN: Abra kadabra, oogedy-boogedy, make Faramir AWAKE! [Waves hands about. FARAMIR sits up suddenly.]

FARAMIR: Ibra, Hocus Pocus, wake up Babe!

[EOWYN opens her eyes.]

EOWYN: Don't call me babe.

[EOMER enters and jumps on EOWYN, hugging her. BEREGOND sees this and jumps on FARAMIR, hugging him too. FARAMIR shoves him off.]

FARAMIR: Hey! Get off!
BEREGOND: Well, they were!
FARAMIR: They?e related!
BEREGOND: Oh. [gets off.]
PIPPIN: Do Merry now, oh lease do, go on, do Merry!
ARAGORN: Oh-kay.

[ARAGORN goes to MERRY and repeats the same process.]

ARAGORN: Higgedy bijiggedy, blah blah blah, wake up now Merry!
MERRY: [rolls over.] Just five more minutes Mummy.
PIPPIN: [jumping on MERRY] You're alive! Yay yay yay!!
MERRY: Pip, you're choking me!
ARAGORN: My work here is done. [rubs hands]

[BEREGOND jumps on FARAMIR again.]

FARAMIR: Do you MIND?
BEREGOND: But they are too! [Points at MERRY and PIPPIN]
FARAMIR: They?e also related.
BEREGOND: Oh. ..... ..oooooh. I understand. It? okay with me, some people go in for that sort of thing....

[Everyone looks at him worriedly. MERRY and PIPPIN and EOWYN and EOMER let go of each other, glancing at each other strangely.]

FARAMIR: Hey, angel, what? your name?
EOWYN: Your worst nightmare.
MERRY: [stage whisper.] She? got the hots for Aragorn!
EOWYN: Have not!

[Everyone goes ?ooooooo!?EOWYN folds her arms and sulks.]

SCENE 16: MT. DOOM.... almost.

[SAM and FRODO climbing mountain. Suddenly GOLLUM jumps on FRODO. They struggle until SAM helps pull him off.]

FRODO: How DARE you?!? The next time you try that, you shall be cast into the very fires of Mount Doom, you hear me.
SAM: Yeeeaah, scram! Nyah!
FRODO: Sam, that? not helping.
SAM: Sorry.
GOLLUM: Ha ha, you got told off!
SAM: Shut up, you!

[FRODO and SAM walk off. GOLLUM sulks a little before following again anyway.]

SCENE 17: COUNCIL OF WAR!!!

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, GANDALF, FARAMIR, ELODIN, ELROHIR, EOMER and PRINCE IMRAHIL sitting around a table with candles and half-empty pizza boxes on it. ARAGORN rises and clears his throat.]

ARAGORN: Gentlemen, elves, and dwarf. We are gathered here today to discuss the prospect of War.
OTHERS: Hear hear!
ARAGORN: What are your opinions, good sirs? We can sit here and wait for the rest of our city walls to be destroyed-
OTHERS: Booooo!
ARAGORN: -Or we can meet them head on, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part! [PRINCE IMRAHIL raises a hand.] Yes, Prince Imrahil?
PRINCE IMRAHIL: Ik you.
ARAGORN: Aaaaaaanyway, which is it, men?
ALL: FIGHT! FIGHT!
ELODIN and ELROHIR: We will fight alongside you!
ARAGORN: Good! Are we all agreed?
ALL: YES!!
ARAGORN: Then lets go to war!
ALL: YEEEAAAH!!! WAAAAR!!!

[ALL run out, yelling and whooping.]

[Periodically through the council, hands have been emerging from under the table and nicking food. As the council leaves, a loud belch is heard from under the table.]

MERRY: Shhh, Pip!

[Quiet. Then sudden burst of 'Chapel of Love'. PIPPIN dashes out from under the table.]

PIPPIN: ARAGORN! ARAGOOOOORN!!! Take me with yooooouu!!!!

SCENE 18: WAR

[ALL (except EOWYN, FARAMIR and MERRY) marching, looking grim.]

ARAGORN: [starting to speak all narrator/inner-monologue-ish.] And so we departed, the last alliance of men, and some others tacked on for effect. For five days we marched, sending out scouts and-
GANDALF: Look, we?e still on a time schedule, okay? Lets move it already!

[ALLhurry, then halt at ARAGORN? command.]

ARAGORN: [stepping forward.] Open the gates and face me, for I am Isildur? heir and I will smite you!
PIPPIN: [whisper to GIMLI] What does he mean by ?mite ass! [clicks fingers. an ORC runs forward with a bundle containing FRODO' Mithril, cloak and SAM' sword.] Roncise dis sheet? Yo betta, it? you homie?. We busted his ass! You wess wid us, yo gonna pay da price. Yo wan?yo buddy, yo gotta reconise da South Side and pay us Respec?
ARAGORN: Shut yo mouth, foo’! We ain’t neva gonna reconise yo asses! {whisper to others.] I told them we’d never surrender.
EVERYONE: Oooooh, riiight.
PIPPIN: But what about Frodo?

[GANDALF runs forward and grabs the bundle and runs back.]

MOUTH OF SAURON: Respec’ da South Side, or else!
GANDALF: Nu-uh, mo fo! We’s kikkin ass! Ready men? KICK ASS!!!
ALL: KICK ASS!!!!!!

[Battle commences. EVERYONE battles bravely, trying to overcome the Enemy. SINGING MESSENGER GIRL appears. PIPPIN makes a TROLL sit on him. Suddenly EVERYONE stops and gasps and looks south.]

GANDALF: It can’t be! Can it?
LEGOLAS: Frodo....

[GIMLI fishes PIPPIN out from under the TROLL.]

SCENE 19: MOUNT DOOM

[FRODO and SAM approach the edge.]

SAM: Well, Mr. Frodo, this is-

[GOLLUM jumps on SAM’s back. SAM and GOLLUM wrestle. FRODO walks to the edge.]

FRODO: Here is the place, but can I do it?

[Holds out hand with Ring on it. Struggles to throw it, but suddenly cries out.]

FRODO: It is MY precious! I claim the One Ring and defy Sauron! [he puts it on and vanishes.]

[SAM and GOLLUM stop. The flames roar. Shot of an Eye suddenly looking in their direction. GOLLUM howls and leaps forward. SAM stares in horror at the spot FRODO was in a moment ago.]

SAM: No Mr Frodo! [struggles up and watches GOLLUM grapple with the invisible FRODO. FRODO cries out and reappears, clutching his hand. GOLLUM jumps up and down, waving Ring around.]

GOLLUM: My precious, my precious, mine mine mi- [wobbles on the edge, then falls in with a squeal.]

SAM: Mr. Frodo! [Runs forward and helps FRODO up] Oh, your poor hand, Mr. Frodo! Are you alright?
FRODO: Oh Sam, dearest Sam, I’m so sorry.
SAM: Never mind, Mr. Frodo, it’s done with now. Come on, the walls are caving in. Lets get out of here.

[They exit. When they finally get outside, they huddle together and look up at the sky.]

SAM: Is that- an eagle? [Both SAM and FRODO faint as GANDALF flies down on his eagle.]

SCENE 20: MORNING AFTER

[SAM wakes up in bed.]

SAM: Where am I?
FRODO: At least they let you wake up beforedragging you off to council. Come on, Sam.

[They get up and go to council. There, ARAGORN and ARWEN are all goo-goo eye at each other. FARAMIR’s still trying to chat up EOWYN, who’s watching ARAGORN jealously.]

FARAMIR: What is it he’s got that I don’t, baby?
EOWYN: Stubble. Plus, he’s king.
FARAMIR: But he made me Prince! And he’s getting married to Arwen.

[EOWYN thinks about it.]

EOWYN: So, Prince, huh? Hiya handsome. [FARAMIR grins.]

[SAM and FRODO go up to ARAGORN.]

FRODO: Sooo, finally king, huh?
ARAGORN: Yep. And I got my Lady-love, didn’t I schnookums?
ARWEN: You sure did, cupcake sweet cheeks.

[They snoogle. FRODO and SAM look disgusted.]

SAM: Oh, ew, that’s disgusting!

[MERRY and PIPPIN run up.]

SAM: Merry! Pippin! You two look really smashing in that armor!
MERRY: Don’t we just?
PIPPIN: And guess what else? Singing Messenger Girl got “accidentally” shot in the battle! I’m free!!!
FRODO: Yay?

[GANDALF walks up with a crown.]

GANDALF: Oh, good, you’re all together. Here, Frodo, put this crown on Aragorn, then we’d better be off.

[FRODO goes and puts crown on ARAGORN.]

ARAGORN: Oooh! Don’t I look so Kingly?
ARWEN: You sure do, snugglepuss.
ARAGORN: Thank you, cuddlekins!
PIPPIN: [to MERRY] There’s some places even the toughest gun-shoe shouldn’t go.
GANDALF: Now say goodbye to everyone, it’s home time now.
HOBBITS: BYE!
EVERYONE ELSE: BYEE!! [FELLOWSHIP group hug, BEREGOND tries to hug FARAMIR again, then HOBBITS and GANDALF leave.]
FRODO: Wow, look at us, walking home without any adventures.
SAM: Yep! [They walk for some time.] Yep.
GANDALF: [stops] Well, farewell. Good luck with everything and goodbye! I am off to have a good ol’ gossip with Tom Bombadil- Ooops! He’s not meant to be in the mocvie, is he? Oh well! Bye!
HOBBITS: Bye Gandalf! {They separate. The HOBBITS walk on.]
PIPPIN: I don’t suppose we’ll ever have any more adventures, or do anything unexpected ever again, will we.
MERRY: I wouldn’t count on it, Pip.

SCENE 21: THE SCOURING OF THE SHIRE

[HOBBITS ride up to gates.

MERRY: ‘Ello ‘ello ‘ello, what’s all this here then?
SCARED HOBBIT: You can’t come it!
PIPPIN: Why not?
SCARED HOBBIT: It’s against the Rules!
MERRY: But I live here!
SAM: Screw the rules, [kicks gate open] come on, lads!

[They enter. SCARED HOBBITS stare at them.]

SCARED HOBBIT: Why, it’s Master Merry! And Pippin Took! And Frodo Baggins! And Sam!
PIPPIN: Of course it’s us! What’s been going on here?
ALSO SCARED HOBBIT: Ooooh, Master Pippin, these ruffians have been takin’ over our Shire, and stealin’ all our beer and leaf!
VERY SCARED HOBBIT: It’s horrible!
SCARED HOBBIT: Don’t say things like that! The Chief’ll be down on ur heads!
MERRY: Well, we can’t have that! Come on, it’s time we sorted this out! Let’s get to Bag End.
PIPPIN and SAM: Yeah.

[They march off. SCARED HOBBITS look more scared, then relieved, then more scared again, then relieved. The four HOBBITS come across 3 RUFFIANS.]

RUFFIAN #1: Hello, what are you three doing? You shouldn’t be walking about like this.
MERRY: We’ll do what we like. It’s our Shire. Who are you to stop us? Did you know that evil has lost? There’ll be King’s Messengers riding up here now, not more ruffians like you!
FRODO: Please leave. We don’t want any trouble.
RUFFIAN #2: Ha ha! I bet you don’t, you little cockawhoop! As for “King’s Messengers”, I’ll believe taht when I see it!
PIPPIN: [throws off cape] Then believe it! You are talking to some of the most respected and well-thought of and bravest and most heroic people in Middle-Earth, talked about from the Black Gates to Bree and beyond! We have the favour of the Kings of Gondor and Rohan, and we are the friends of elves! If you don’t get out of our Shire, I will SMITE you!
RUFFIAN #3: Smite?
PIPPIN: KICK YOUR ASS!! [jumps forward. RUFFIANS turn and run away.] Right! I’ve had enough! Merry, blow the horn of Buckland!

[MERRY take out his horn, takes a breath and blows. HOBBITS come running from all sides.]

FARMER COTTOM: Here, what’s going on?
SAM: Hello, Farmer Cotton! We’re taking back the Shire!
FARMER COTTON: Oh, it’s you, is it, Samwise? It’s about time someone did something!
ROSIE: Hi Sam.
SAM: Hi Rosie. [Both grin and blush shyly.]
PIPPIN: [rolling eyes] Anyway, back to the battle!

[ALL hide, except FARMER COTTON. RUFFIANS march up. As they pass, HOBBITS creep out after them.]

RUFFIAM#1: Oi! You! What’re you doing?
FARMER COTTON: None of your business!
RUFFIAN #3: Right! I’ll have you!
ALL HOBBITS: No! WE’LL have YOU!
RUFFIANS: Oh, bugger.

[Most RUFFIANS surrender. Some try and fight, but MERRY and PIPPIN fight them back. They ties the RUFFIANS up.]

ALL HOBBITS: Yay! We win!
SARUMAN: [stepping out from behind a bush] Not so fast!
MERRY, PIPPIN, FRODO, SAM: [gasp!] It’s Saruman!
SARUMAN!: It is I! Saruman!
MERRY: We just said that.
SARUMAN: Oh, shut it! I will win!
FRODO: No. You will leave. We have hobbit archers trained on you. You must leave. Now.
SARUMAN: Fine! [As he passes FRODO, he tries to stab him, but the knife breaks on FRODO’s mithril shirt.] Oh bugger.
FRODO: Sucker. Now leave.
SARUMAN: You really have won. Come Grima.

[GRIMA leaps on SARUMAN and kills him. HOBBIT ARCHERS shoot GRIMA.]

MERRY: Poor soul.
PIPPIN: Yeah. He never got a single line.

SCENE 22: THE GREY HAVENS

[FRODO at desk, clean and well-dressed. 2 YEARS LATER sign held up.]

FRODO: Sam?
SAM: [entering.] Yes, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: You know how you moved in with me, married Rosie and now have little Elanor?
SAM: Yes.
FRODO: Well, I suppose you can’t go on long journeys these days, can you?
SAM: Not very well.
FRODO: That’s okay. We’ll only be gone a little while. Come on.

[They leave and go to trees. There they are met by ELROND, GALADRIEL, CELEBORN ELODIN, ELROHIR and BILBO.]

BILBO: Hello Frodo! I’m so- zzzzz... {falls alseep.]

[They travel on to the Grey Havens.]

SAM: Wow, the sea!
FRODO: Yeah.

[MERRY and PIPPIN run up.]

MERRY: you aren’t leaving without saying goodbye to us, now are you?
PIPPIN: Gandalf tipped us off.

[loud “Toooot! ALL ABOARD! Last boat to the West!”]

FRODO: That’s my boat.
MERRY: Take care. We’ll miss you.
FRODO: Me too. [FRODO and MERRY hug.]
PIPPIN: Make sure Gandalf and those elves feed you right.
FRODO: I will. [FRODO and PIPPIN hug.]
SAM: Mr. Frodo, I- [bursts into loud, dramatic sobs.] I’ll miiiiss yoooou!!!! [wails into FRODO’s shoulder.]
FRODO: Saaam, you’re embarrassing me!
BILBO: Pull yourself together, Sam lad. You- zzzzz.... [falls asleep again.]
FRODO: Well, gotta go! Goodbye!
MERRY and PIPPIN: Bye! Farewell, Frodo Baggins.
SAM: [sobbing still] You- are- my best- fried- EVER!
FRODO: Perhaps we shall meet again someday. Goodbye, dearest Sam.

[FRODO and BILBO leave and get on boat. MERRY, PIPPIN and SAM wave until the boat is out of sight.]

MERRY: Thus passes the Third Age, and the End of the story.
PIPPIN: What’re you on about?

[The three turn and head for home. As MERRY and PIPPIN leave SAM, they call out and wave.]

MERRY: Goodnight Sam.
PIPPIN: Sleep well!

[They exit, singing “The Road Goes Ever On.” SAM reaches Bag End and sits down. ELANOR climbs on his lap. ROSIE comes to his side.]

SAM: [taking a deep breath.] Well, I’m back.

[End with a picturesque family scene.]

THE END!!!
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