by º§RaRa§º ©
A perverse deterioration of a young and vibrant mind, slipping into hopeless self-loathing
| I came home and fell apart. Without my knowledge I let everything I had been clutching to me go. My REM cycle was the first to go insane with need for rest. No matter how long I slept, it never seemed to be enough. No matter how strict I was in my routine, I was restless and tired. I knew life was going to different, but this was ridiculous.
The next thing to go was my thoughts. Errant and undecipherable, I seemed to be losing my mind. Then suddenly, there was an eerie quiet within my brain, and everything seemed to run on a low hum. I hadn't lost my smarts, far from it, I felt even more intelligent than I had before I came home. It wasn't that I hadn't already tried to channel that intelligence back into the major arteries in my lifeless brain, it was my brain itself that seemed to refuse to use it. Not on purpose, and I don't blame it, it's only a muscle afterall.
School seemed to be something that fueled my tiresome brain, but only enough to a point. After that point, my mind stopped responding to any and everything that came it's way. I became suseptible to fear, overwhelming panic and constant dread. When I was questioned, all of my feelings balled together and became a fist within my stomach, a fist I wanted so badly to hurl at whoever caused the offense of speaking to me. It was totally and irrevocably irrational, yet it was there, waiting for the last restraint to snap so it had total control over my body functions. Because of this indifference, and my fear of being questioned constantly, and never knowing when it would break free, my marks and presence at school slipped into almost non-existence.
Family life, although hadn't been great to begin with, became even more unbearable. My ears ran away, my mouth spoke of it's own volition, smiling and laughing when it was expected to. My eyes, boaring(sp?) holes into the person I'd be speaking with, them not realizing it was a blank, lifeless stare. My family, how much I do love them, didn't seem to notice the change in me. The restless body of mine began to swim in everything consumable. And, as I lapped up each piece that passed my uncaring lips, my belly showed it's distaste in bloating to a girth I could not begin to get accustomed to. My belly, although enjoying the tasty and not so tasty food, was the only thing that seemed to try to wake me up. No one said anything, but I could see their thoughts afloat of their skulls, and in their all too readable eyes. Disappointment seemed to be the shared feeling. Unease and not knowing what to do next were others that followed. I didn't blame them, I felt a little hurt but I am sure that was that pesky security issue.