Is it love or obsession? You decide.
| "So, tell me. Why you are here?," Marie, the councilor, switched on her portable tape recordor.
"I don't know. I guess because I screwed up and fell in love with the wrong girl," I said.
"Why was she the wrong girl?"
"Because she was married and not in love with me."
"How do you know her?"
"We work together. We have been friends for years," I slouched into the soft leather chair.
"Just casual friends?"
"No, close friends. We talked every day. We had lunch and breaks together a lot. I felt close to her."
"You fell in love with her?"
"How did that happen?"
"I guess I just let it happen. I've been attracted to her since the first day I met her almost five years ago. She is kind and understanding. She's physically attractive, outgoing, friendly, caring, fun to be with, and a sympathetic listener. She's great. It was easy to fall in love with her." Too damed easy.
"When did you decide to tell her how you felt about her?"
"Two weeks ago,I had agonized enough, I decided to tell her how I felt no matter what the outcome might be, I was desperate; That morning we sat in her office waiting for the Cafe' to open. We usually had morning coffee together. She shot me a look with her penetrating green eyes that distracted me to the core. At moments like that, it took all my self-control to keep from grabbing her and kissing her.
It was time to leave and I said, "Let’s head for the café. It'll be open by the time we get there.” She stood and started towards the cubicle opening, her cute figure beckoned me to follow.
“Wait up, I’m coming," I matched her pace and stepped in beside her, “Could we possibly sit by ourselves this morning? I have to talk to you about something.”
She turned toward me and smiled, “Sure. What’s up?"
"I’ll tell you when we get down there.” I knew full well that I shouldn’t do what I was about to do. But,I had to do it to get my sanity back, to get my life back."
"What do you mean get your life back?" Marie asked.
"She consumed my mind. I made excuses to call her on the phone just to hear her voice. I longed for the moments I could steal with her, the coffee breaks, the occasional lunches, the not so chance meetings in the parking lot. The more I saw of her the more I wanted."
"Didn't she see how you were getting attached to her?," said Marie.
"She must have, but she never revealed it. Maybe she craved the attention and didn't discourage me."
"What do you think attracted you to her?"
"She is bright, young, pretty, friendly and completely dedicated to her two sons. She's always talking about them. Her commitments in life have been made and she doesn't take them lightly. All the things that make her attractive also make her unreachable.
She has open and trusting nature. I feel the need to protect her from the bad things in the world. Although, in my frequent moments of guilt, I believe myself to be one of those bad things."
"Please continue about the day you told her how you felt," Marie said.
"We got to the café, grabbed our usual breakfast and found a booth where we could be off to ourselves. That conversation will remain in my mind forever.
“She looked at me, smiled and flashed those green eyes , "What’s up?”
“I’ve got something to tell you and I don’t know exactly how to say it,” I took a gulp of coffee for courage and began, "I'm really attracted to you, much more than just as a friend. I know I shouldn’t be. I’ve tried not to be. I just can’t help the way that I feel about you, I love you," It had taken me a year to muster the courage to say those three words to her.
I tried to read her expression as I poured out my heart. She showed no signs of compassion or surprise. She was almost complacent.
After a moment, she said, “I’m really flattered. I can relate to your feelings. A few years back, I was in love with a married man, who I could not have. We dated for a short time and he broke it off. It just wasn't meant to be for us. He moved out of state and made a fresh start with his wife. I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. Who is now my husband. Sometimes it's just the right person at the wrong time."
All I could say was, “I’m sorry about this. I hope we can still be friends. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or lose your friendship." What a loser!
"I'd like to have other people around when we see each other," she said.
"I understand," I choked out.
“I’ve got to go to work now, we'll talk later,” she ended the conversation, walked away and didn't look back at me."
"That's a sad story. What did you do then?, said Marie.
"I sat there alone for some time after, trying to grasp what had transpired. My thoughts raced in all directions. Would she ever speak to me again? Would she tell everyone about my futile attempt at winning her affections? Would she tell her husband? What would he do? One thing for sure, our relationship had drastically and irrevocably changed. I messed up, big time."
"What did happen after that? Why did you decide to come see me?"
"After our disastrous cafe' encounter, she spoke with you. You urged her to convince me to make an appointment. I agreed only to appease her in any way possible. So here I am. Although, I haven't a clue how this can relieve my sadness."
With a compassionate look in her pale green eyes, Marie said, "That takes time and sometimes talking about things helps us get through them. Hearts are fragile but resiliant, yours will mend in time."
Then I did something that I never do. I cried.