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Rated: 13+ · Editorial · How-To/Advice · #774451
Need help with your love life? You've come to the right place.
W.D’s Advice For Forlorn Lovers

Love is in the air?

Who’s the lame-brain that came up with that phrase? If only it were true. For most of us, love is nowhere to be found. It can be as elusive as heartburn, as subtle as the scent of grandpa's old farts, as puzzling and mysterious as Life itself.

Yet, we follow its tangled path, hither-and-thither, like a leaf blown in the wind. We chase it everywhere. We must have it. We instinctively crave it. Why?

Whassup with that, anyway?

There are no guarantees with love--you get what you pay for.

Now, this, is so true. We often think, “Hey, I want a gorgeous super-model that I don't have to pay for; built like a brick house and loves to do everything that I love to do.

But Life can be really funny sometimes, can’t it? Because what most of us end up with is an old fat-ass that likes to lay around in front of the TV set all day. And, for some, unfathomable reason, we still love these people.

Why is that? Does love eat our brain cells? It kinda makes you wonder, don't it?

Where is the love?

Now, that’s, a good question. Just where the hell is it?

Some people can simply walk down the street and find love. While others, are totally blind, never seeing love at all.

What is it?

What makes people different like that? Do we have to wait our turn to fall in love like a bunch of idiots standing in the unemlovement line?

The answers to these questions and more are awaiting you here at:

W.D’s Advice For Forlorn Lovers

Let’s take a look at a few letters that were sent in last week, shall we? I call this segment...The Love Letters:

Alrighty then! Here's the first letter:

Dear W.D,
I have been looking for love all of my life, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Where is it? Are you hiding it? Can you tell me what color it is?”

-Raul Lopez, Fort Worth, TX.

Well, Randy, I can answer that question simply by saying, there is no love in Texas. Never has been! You’re looking for love in all the wrong places, buddy (hey, that’s catchy). Nobody’s hiding it from you, either. You know, if you got your teeth fixed and combed your hair every once in awhile, you might find love in...oh, I don’t know, New Mexico, maybe? And another thing, you want to know what color love is--love is the color of money. If you got a lot of cash, Tex, I can guarantee you, you’re going to find some love. In fact, it'll find you.

Here’s another one...

Dear W.D,
You guaranteed me a girlfriend, but I only got this weird looking guy following me around all day. I want my money back, you no good dirty #$&*% so-and-so!"
With Love,

S.L.O. from New York, N.Y.

Heya, Slow! Sorry man, I thought you were a girl. Tell the guy following you that W.D said he can go home now, okay? As far as returning your money, well, I’m afraid that’s not possible at this time, Slo-Mo. Perhaps I can send you a girl next time, but that’ll cost you an extra $49.95. Hey, this is a legit business--I got overhead to deal with here!

And how about this one . . .

Dear W.D,
I followed your advice to a tee, and I can honestly say that my social life has completely changed. I’ve got a hundred boys asking me out for a date! Your suggestion about never wearing a top is really paying off. Thanks W.D., you’re a life saver!”

That 26-year-old blond-hair-chick from Hollywood, CA.

Aw, another satisfied customer. That really gets me all bleary-eyed.

Hey, Blondie, you were supposed to send me some full length photos of yourself after your breast enhancement, remember? I’d like to see the new you, you know, transformed. A hundred boys, eh, well, I hope you’re still saving Sundays for me. That’s why I gave you that big discount. Don’t you go forgetting old W.D. now. Okay? Who’s your daddy?

Well, that about wraps-up our column for this week, folks. Remember! Keep those checks and letters a'coming!

Which reminds me, this week’s question for you to ponder upon, was sent in by Pepe LePew of Yosemite, CA.

Pepe asks, “Why does love stink?”

Now, the first person to send in the correct answer will receive a free complimentary bag of airline peanuts. Until then, keep the love fresh, please refrigerate!

Until next time,


(800 words, give or take)
© Copyright 2003 W.D.Wilcox (billywilcox at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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