Cowlympics with Bessie and Hooves

Cowlympics with Bovine Bessie and covertcow

"No, Bovine Bessie, you don't understand. In the Cowlympics, you can't just stand in one place!"

"Hooves of Fire! Don't put that skate on your tail!"

Honestly, how did I ever get myself into this? Whoever decided that cows could figure skate? But, I'd bet my brand new tractor that they could win. What was I going to do?

Bessie finally slipped her hooves into the shoe skates, although she wasn't quite standing up in them. Can you imagine an octopus skating on tentacles? That's what Bessie looked like. Sure, I know she only has four legs to tangle up, but they were moving so fast, it looked like eight!

Hooves of Fire managed to get his boots on. He stood up. And then he collapsed. His feet spun out on all sides making him look like a bear rug.

All right, you guys," I encouraged and prodded them. "Get up. Do you want everyone to laugh at you next week?"

Bessie groaned. Hooves of Fire lifted up his head and then dropped it. They looked like two cows that were defeated before they'd started. I had to do something. I did the only logical thing.

I sat down and put on my skates. "All right, you two. Let's go. I'll show you how to do it."

They both perked up their ears and stared at me. I decided that it was time to stand up. Nothing to it. I could walk, couldn't I? How tough could this be?

The first skate kept sliding around. I knew it was supposed to do that, but it was a bit tough to stand up when it kept moving. I held my foot in place. The second skate was no problem, except I still wasn't standing up.

"This calls for concentration," I told my two friends. I bolted up, and my feet, no longer being held in place, moved off in opposite directions. I'd never done the splits before. I don't think I'll try it again.

Mankind has managed to get on the top of the animal kingdom. He didn't do that with beauty or fierceness. He used his brains. That's just what I did. I left my skates next to the teeth-chattering twosome and ran to the shed where I chose a couple of pieces of ski apparatus. I picked up enough poles for Bessie, Hooves of Fire, and me.

When I returned I found the cows relaxing. They were playing Poker.

"Stop that, you two," I demanded as I slipped back into my skates.

Spearing the ground with the ski pole, I managed to stand up. It was simple when one used one's brain.

Bessie's big yellow teeth clinched tight to her pole. She managed to rise somewhat gracefully. Her back feet did a spicy tango. I was impressed.

Hooves wasn't quite as graceful, but he also managed to cling and stand, his tail wrapped tight as a monkey's.

Now to get onto the lake. That was a bit of a problem, but spear, step, spear, step, we made it.

Hooves' front legs were doing some kind of exotic South American dance. I really couldn't quite pinpoint the beat, but with Bessie's tango and the poles in between, they really started looking good.

I switched on the radio and slid in our agreed on music, I Could Have Danced All Night.

Hooves back stepped on Bessie's front hoof; Bessie stepped on Hooves' back one. A quick save with the tail and teeth, a slide to the right, and twist to the left. They were hot, MAMA!

The music finished and the two of them collapsed. It was beautiful. I began to think that not only was I going to keep my tractor, but also I was going to get Bianca's brand new sleigh. Yippee!

We didn't practice anymore. Why improve when it looked so great?

The day dawned beautiful. Snowflakes, freezing cold, a little mist, and sniffles of chill. It was a perfect day for Cowlympics.

The cows lined up and drew their lots. Bessie and Hooves were last. Yeah! I cheered, a grand finish! No sense letting anyone copy their style.

We went through the first four acts. The ambulance came and went. Two broken legs, a bruised udder, and a spectator who got in the way. Skates were flying right and left. We dodged and balanced in the slippery muck. The cocoa dealers were having a heyday.

Then a couple of cows made me sit up and look -- Bianca's two from the Netherlands. You could tell they'd practiced. Their legs stayed together, and they never once fell down. I squirmed in my seat, which was good since it was freezing solid to the metal. I stood up and called down for more cocoa. And then it happened. One of the cows was doing a figure-eight, and the ice broke. The cow sank. The other one mooed, and the rescuers rushed in to save them.

All was well. The Cowlympics went on.

"Tough luck," I called out to Bianca. She tried to smile back through gritted teeth. I made up for it and smiled bigger.

Another cow couple slid across the lake. They ended up in a romantic pile-up. The scorekeepers liked that number and scribbled a 2.0. Once more I began to worry.

But I should have known that Bessie and Hooves would claim the audience's favor. Bessie had on her most seductive costume, and she wiggled her little rump in time to the music. Hooves, looking handsome with his Derby hat, did a soft shoe as he walked out to the ice.

The audience loved them already, and the two performers hadn't even put on their skates. With studied nonchalance, Hooves assisted Bessie, and she with several sweet kisses to the audience, slid on Hooves' skates.

The audience clapped. They hooted; they laughed. They loved Bessie and Hooves. And then came the moment. I ran out with the poles, and the audience went wild. A roar went up, and the crowd did a mighty WAVE for the cleverness of our two sweet cows.

But Bessie and Hooves were not finished with their act. With a heave, they pushed themselves up. Bessie's tango started at once. Hooves with his tail clinging to the pole, did a salsa with his front quarters. And then at the end, Bessie and Hooves pole-danced their finish, landing in perfect splits.

Silence from the audience. I looked up, worried that we'd lost them. But I need not have fretted; there were tears in every eye. I hardly have to tell you of the judge's decision. A perfect 5.0 was the score.

I never took Bianca's new sleigh. How could I with her kids all teary-eyed at their loss. But Bessie and Hooves let me keep their trophy inside my ribbon case. It shines there with such a pretty fake gold luster, that I can't help hoping Bessie and Hooves will win next year, too.



~~~~~~~~~