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Rated: ASR · Short Story · Comedy · #806149
“I need to write a story or a poem about the emotions of the color red.”
Safe Boating

         “Hey Goose?”

         “Yeah Joe, what do you want?”

         “Remember the other night when you were over at my place fooling around on my computer and you found that prompt for Writer’s Cramp?”


         “Well they did it again. They gave me a prompt that makes absolutely no sense to me. I know these people stay up nights trying to think of the craziest possible thing to write about. I thought maybe you’d want to come over for some nachos and grape soda and tell me what you think.”

         “Geez, Joe. I just got off work down at the mill. Today was a tough day. We were bending pipe for use in those new playground sets that all the schools are buying. We’ve got enough orders to last us until the devil gets old. I’m pretty tuckered and the wife wants me to take down the Christmas decorations tomorrow. Couldn’t you just tell me what it is on the phone and I’ll pretend I’m eating the nachos?”

         “I need to write a story or a poem about the emotions of the color red.”


         “That’s it? That’s all you have to say?”

         “Well I could say that imaginary nachos aren’t nearly as good as real nachos. But the bright side is they’re less filling. The emotions of red...hmmmmm."

         "Ok I got it, Joe. Red is angry. That’s an emotion. Yeah, that’s it. Red is angry. Can I go now? Millie has my supper warming in the microwave and I’d hate to miss out on four-day-old rigatoni surprise. Come to think of it, it's red too, but I don’t think ugly is an emotion.”

         "I can’t just say red is angry. What’s that mean? Red is angry.”

         “Some writer you are Joe. Do I need to explain everything to you? Remember last duck season when Skitch and Little Jim borrowed Lou Monahan’s boat to go hunting?’


         “Remember, how they were in such a doggone hurry to get to the lake with the boat that they forgot to hook the safety chains up or put the lock on the trailer hitch? When they hit the railroad tracks at the top of Sawmill Hill, the boat trailer broke loose from Little Jim’s truck and went trolling its way back down the hill. It crashed through the park gazebo and then through the blackpowder magazine behind Ben’s Sporting Goods, and landed in the borough pool, which is where the keg of blackpowder that landed in the boat decided to detonate. Remember that?"

         “Yeah-yeah, what’s your point?”

         “Do you remember how Lou acted when Little Jim told him his boat was spread out over the better part of three townships?”

“He got mad. Real mad.”

         “What color was his face?”

“It was redder than a Harvard beet. I see what you mean. The emotion of red is anger. Got it.”

         “Of course, I guess the emotion of red could be passion. As angry as Lou was, he sure was being passionate about his desire to hunt down Little Jim and Skitch. Said death was too good for them but he wouldn’t mind slow torture one bit. Things really got nasty when he had to pay for the powder magazine. Same red color in his face for months afterwards whenever he talked about it, and he talked about it passionately.”

         “Ok Goose, I got passion and I’ve got anger as being the emotions of red. Anything else you can think of?”

         “Well, Valentine's Day is coming up and red is big at Valentine’s Day, so maybe the emotion of red is Love. Hearts are red, and let's not forget those red teddies they’re selling down at Wal-Mart this year. I tried to get the wife to wear one Joe, but all it did was get her red up and I don’t mean passion. So I guess you’ve got anger, passion and love as emotions of red.

         In fact, come to think of it there was love involved in Little Jim’s boating accident too. When the boat crashed through the park gazebo it flushed out Mayor Benson and his secretary who were, by some accounts, busy doing a structure stability inspection to see if the Gazebo was safe for use by the public. Knocked the two of them flat on their keisters. They landed over by the water fountain, out colder than a frozen haddock. Yep, there's another one. You can add embarrassment as an emotion of red also."

         “I see. The mayor was embarrassed about being caught in a compromising position with his secretary?”

         “Not exactly. The mayor was embarrassed because the force of the collision knocked him clean out of his pants and George Wainwright from the Elk County Bugle got a photo of him before he came to.”

         “Big deal Goose. It couldn't have been the first photo of the mayor knocked out cold or without his pants on.”

         "Nope. But it was the first one of him wearing a red teddy from down at Wal-Mart."

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