Saucer Ball

Note: This is entirely fictitious. This piece was not written to poke fun at any element of the population. I don't believe there really is an element of the population that acts, thinks, or talks like this -- outside of fictionalized Hollywood. LOL It's just that my Writer's Cramp prompt was to write about soccer, and I did the best I could. FOFL

Saucer Ball

"All right. I think I've got it. Saucer is when you dance around the ball. See, a twist of the arms, a kick of the leg. Oh, darn, I missed it. No matter. Great moves, don't you think?."

"Yes, yes, you're doing fine. The crowds are cheering. The ballet is a success. We shall name it, "Twist, twist, and pirouette."

"Yes, but what I can't figure out is why the others are so clumsy. They are practically graceless, and they've gotten dirty, constantly kicking at that scruffy-looking ball."

"Disgraceful. I know, but that is the game. We must put away our prejudices and carry on for the good of the sport."

"How about a cancan?"

"Yes, that would involve the whole team. It would be great for morale. Let's run down there and get them."

"Should I take the ball with me?"

"Pick it up? Of course not! Saucer allows no hands. You must kick it with dainty little putts of those sweet, little toes."

"Ouch, those big bullies just knocked me down!"

"Tisk, tisk. That is the price of fame. Up lad, up. We must dance across the field on our tippy toes. Let the crowd feel the rhythm. Let them notice the delicacy of our hand movements. Let them sense the music. Then when they least expect it, we shall plunge into the air with a flying leap, in an 'airs above the ground' expression of pure joy!"

"Oh, no! My pants are dirty. I knew I shouldn't have worn white."

"Don't cry. It will be fine. I'm sure they'll be good as new with a tidy up -- a splishsplash of detergent . Remember the slogan, Dirt can't hide from Tide. Shout it out!

"Ah, forget the pants, mon ami. Come on, we better hustle. Our teammates are running down the field. They need us."

"You mean they're stealing all the attention! How dare they take the limelight. I do have the cutest buns, don't I?"

"Oh, indeed, although that breakfast you had was rather heavy. Perhaps one cinnamon roll would have been better?"

"But, you said yourself, I'm a growing boy."

"Yes, but you must grow muscle, not blubber."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh," Simon wails.

"Now, now. It's all right."

"You said I was fat, and I dance for hours, trying so hard to make you happy."

"Not now, Simon. The team is coming this way."

"You never have time for me, anymore. And you're always criticizing."

"Simon, I am not criticizing. You have the most elegant legs of anyone I've ever danced with."

"You really think so?"

"Be careful!"

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhh, they pushed me down again. My beautiful jersey is all stained now. I do not like this job you lined us up with. I want to go back to Hollywood."

"This is Hollywood. Look at the stands. Look at the people cheering you."

"They're looking at all those big jocks. They haven't even noticed me."

"Run faster then."

"I'm panting as it is. Can't you see? It's so undignified. I don't like to sweat."

"Think about this. After the game, there will be photographers taking pictures."

"Oh! Do you think so? But I'll be in my dirty jerseys. Oh, no! The ball's coming to me. What to I do?"

"This is saucer. You dance on it, of course."

"That was mean. Did you see that nasty oh, so big of a brute take the ball away from me?"

"Yes, it wasn't nice at all. I'll have to talk to the coach about this. He'll speak to those boys."

"You did tell him we were dancers, not players, right?"

"Uh . . ."

"You told him we were players? We don't even know how to play this silly game."

"Not important. We know how to move our bodies, don't we?"

"You are so right about that, Gaylord. Oooh, do we ever know how to do that!

"Oh, no, Gaylord, the ball's coming my way again. I'm not going to have them trip me again. I'm just going to give that silly, little thing a good, hard kick."

"Oh, my. Do you know what you did?"

"Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get it caught in that net. What a bother."

"Simon, you made a touchdown. They're cheering for you. The game's over, and you won it."

"Gaylord, they're picking me up. Is that safe? They won't drop me, or anything will they?"

"They're taking your picture, Simon."

"Oh, I like this game. Um, this is sooooo much fun. They're all so big and strong and handsome.

"What did you call this game, Gaylord? Saucer? Sign me up for a permanent position, would you, please? I really like it here."


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