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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/870071-MadMan-on-Driving
Rated: 18+ · Essay · Comedy · #870071
A rant about people who can't drive
         The inability of most people to operate a motor vehicle in a rational manner simply amazes me. I used to enjoy driving. Actually, I still love to drive, but it has gotten to the point where I avoid going anywhere, simply due to the colossal idiots out there that I am forced to deal with. I’m the last guy in the world to suggest MORE government involvement in our lives, but I think it should be much harder to get a drivers license. Too many people out there behind the wheel don’t have the faintest fucking clue as to what they are doing, and that just drives me crazy! (pun intended)

         I used to be a professional driver (and I still have a Commercial Drivers License) but I quit driving for a living. I’ve had so many near-death experiences due to the stupid people who can’t drive that I can’t count them all. I finally decided to quit while I was still alive.

         People do the stupidest things when driving, people who are otherwise nice, normal, intelligent folks. My favorite is the person who passes you just in time to slam on the brakes and make their turn 100 yards down the road. Did that half a second you gained by passing me really make a difference in your arrival time? Was it really necessary to make me lock up my brakes to avoid hitting you and nearly get rear-ended myself? Those people are only rivaled by the ones who drive in the left lane all the way to the street that they need to turn right on, and then cause all kinds of havoc trying to get over. Did you not know that you needed to turn there ten minutes ago? This especially applies to people going to Wal-Mart. They just seem shocked that Wal-Mart is in the exact same place it was last time, and still on the right side of the road. So, the whole town has to come to a halt so that they can cross the right lane and turn into the same parking lot that they’ve turned into for years. Way to go, Jackass.

         I also love the people who pass you out on the interstate and then slow down to a lower speed than you were going all along. If you don’t want to go as fast as me, but can’t handle the idea of me being in front of you, then wait until 3 am to go so that you’ll be the only car on the road. Oh, and perhaps my favorite highway driver is the one who tries to pass someone who is going 1/10 of a mile an hour slower than them (both cars going 10 miles an hour under the speed limit). In the thirty minutes it takes them to pass that one car, a seven-mile traffic jam has formed behind them. And those of us who get angry and flip them off as we pass are guilty of road rage! Oh, they should be glad that I don’t have a missile launcher in the back of my truck like I want!

         Of course, we all know and love the idiots who drive down the road with the turn signal on constantly, and their close relatives who turn right with the left blinker going (and vice versa). They are in the same category as the people who step on the brake pedal every thirty seconds, just to make sure it’s still there and functioning properly. This is a common technique, usually used when there is no fathomable reason for them to hit the brakes. Also in this category are the people who drive the slowest going down the highway, and refuse to get out of the fast/passing lane, and those that sit at a green light for ten seconds just to make sure it isn’t going to turn red again immediately before going.

         I realize that not everyone can be a NASCAR-level driver like me. I do, however, believe that there should be a much higher standard on the roads. For those (many) who don’t make it, God invented the bicycle, busses, and taxis. Use them! Then you can talk on the phone all you want without endangering anyone. I realize that many of you reading this fall into one of the above-mentioned categories. My intent is not to offend you, but to enlighten you. Take a taxi and save a life!


Want more? See "MadMan on Driving II: The Rage Continues [18+]



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