A lovely story, what more can I say?
|Ok picture the scene.
It's about 4.30 today, I'm naked and panting. The bus pulls in at my stop and I get off, slowly and determinedly. I reach into the pocket of my trousers folded over my arm I want to check my mobile to see what time it is. It's not there. I check my other pockets. Nope, not there either. What is there is an intellimouse. It has dirts on it. What can it mean? I realise it's all a ploy, a quickfire substitution by one of my fellow passengers. Hey, I was distracted.
I start thinking about where they may have taken it. I stop some girl who just got off the bus with me and ask if I can borrow her phone to ring my phone. No answer. I start to panic. I shout at her. The same question. She's deaf. And a munter. I gesticulate wildly using my naked body as a canvas for my bizzarre mime. Finally she understands. She hands me a phone. It's a house phone, I presume she carries it round in a misguided attempt at looking cool. My god, she's a munter. I say thanks, but no thanks. She looks at me blankly. I shout thanks but no thanks. I gesticulate wildly using my naked body as a canvas for another bizzarre mime.
I say to her "Shit, maybe I left it on the bus" She looks at me blankly. I shout at her, same comment as before. I can't be bothered and leave her to it. As I turn away she puts the house phone, which she's continued to offer me, back into her brightly coloured shell suit bottoms. At this time I'm really not feeling like running to the bus station to catch it up.
But then she says to me something almost completely irrelevant.
She said: "love is all you need" and offers me the phone again.
But that's all it took to persuade me.
So I started sprinting to the bus station. I felt tired... but then I just sprinted some more. I felt like the guy from "The Graduate" I don't look like him though, my highly accentuated run is causing a slapping sound to be made as my heels strike my buttocks with every stride. I realise it's unnecessary and try to slip out of bizzarre mime mode.
So I arrive at the bus station and see the bus parked there. As I begin to approach it however, it begins to reverse I know the driver's scared. Who wouldn't be? I'm naked and my buttocks are bright red from the slapping. I run over and start banging on the front window. Again I feel like the guy from the graduate. The driver shouts to me "Get on that bus!" and points to another bus. The bus is labelled in bright pink letters "gay exchange outing." Eventually after making phone symbols with my hands, I try a few the classic rotary home phone mime included, and pointing to the top deck of the bus, he gets what I'm on about and lets me on.
And it's just sitting there. Just where I left it, or rather, just where it slipped out of my pocket. I start feeling the biggest sense of relief EVER, my piss is streaming everywhere, on my legs, my feet the seats around me. It's cascading down the stairs of the bus like a rubbish waterfall. I get off the bus thanking the bus driver emphatically he shouts at me "who's going to clean this piss up?!!" I smile and mime a rotary phone at him and skip down the road (literally) off home.
I look at the intellimouse and wonder what it was all about. The dirts on it seem to be calling to me, I lick one and it's familiar. It's a gift. I understand it all now. The taste, so sweet, so full of decay and warmth. This is love. I return to the bus stop. She's still there looking at the phone. I show her the mouse. She opens her bag. God, she's a munter. In the bag, yellowed with age and quite clearly abused by long hours of use, is a 486 pc. It's been nailed to a plank of wood along with a monitor and a keyboard. the plank is hinged and acts to almost fold at a 90 degree angle. Across one side of the plank is crudely scrawled "lapp-topp". She is mental. And a complete munter. The mouse mat is waiting. I connect the mouse and place it onto the mat. "You complete me" I say. She looks at me blankly and holds out the phone. I shout "YOU COMPLETE ME!" she smiles and offers the phone again. I go mental, I'm rolling around on the floor, my red arse chafed by the concrete. Finally she understands.
We are happy now, thank god we found each other.