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Rated: 13+ · Prose · Comedy · #882613
Just in case you come to visit, I don't want you to look like a Yankee!
1) Don't expect to find fillet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak WITH white gravy. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your butt.

2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your butt.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda.
In Texas, it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper (the national coke of Texas), 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. You will ask for a coke and then the waitress will ask what kind. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to a butt kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J.Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll assault your buttock.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers, Johnson Space Center). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Ann Williams, George W. Bush). However, we don't like it when people use our miscalculations to judge our State. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious butt kickin'.

6) Don't laugh at our war monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. It was a handful of Irish immigrants that successfully kept the Union Army from entering the Sabine River. General Eisenhower saved Europe. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your butt.

7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your butt and let ya bake.

8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing the corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your butt kicked into next week.

9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are and I10, 20, 35, and 45 run both ways. Move your butt on home --before we kick it.

10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, shut up, or we'll kick your butt.

11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state smell of oil or cow pies. If your livelihood depended on those wells and cows you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Oh, wait they do! Besides, None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your butt all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA or dump you into the East River.

12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am." We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks and pregnant women. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your butt -- just like they did ours.

13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and the whole town will kick your butt.

14) DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your butt shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box -- minus your butt.

15) Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your butt out.

16) Do not mess with Texas Women. Do not be fooled by their ability to make you feel like a man because they are secure in their femininity. They were found in the ordnance of the Alamo just before they were about to blow the place up. Try something improper and they will kick your butt while wearing 3" heels.

17) Y'all enjoy your visit to the Lone Star State.
© Copyright 2004 Texas Belle (texasbelle at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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